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InHisHands,

Make sure you find a counsler who is solution based, not one that runs like He Said/She said which will accomplish nothing. Your line in the 2nd paragraph appears that you both agree they neither of you are interested in pointing fingers or re-hasing ugly things. That's good.

You both have plans of great things in the future and I am envious of you both. Date Night, weekend plans together are all positives to me. And even if you can't get away once a month for what-ever-the reason, work related issues may come up, children issues (I don't know if you have any children, we have two, ages 11 & 9), things to look forward to, etc. These are all great signs and I wished I had those.

My Wife hasn't worn her wedding ring since June, but I have never nor will acknowledge it either. Knowing my wife, she is puzzled why I don't and probably thinks that once again in her mind, I have no clue as to what is going on around here.
CY

I know that what you're saying about forgiveness is right, I just can't seem to live it yet. I'm glad that my husband is past the point of believing that saying "I'm sorry" once, twice or three times should be the end of it. He has committed to talking about it, answering my questions about it, and apologizing for it as often as it takes. He's past the point of believing that forgiveness is something he's entitled to just because he said "sorry." Thank God he is because I honestly don't believe I could have stuck it out much longer without that commitment from him.

Jesus is capable of a lot of things I'm not capable of and I'm sure that once I get to the point where I can give Him control of my life again and lean on Him again, He'll give me the ability to be more like Him, but, sadly, I'm not there yet. I'm trying to get back and I'm talking to God more than I have in quite a few months, but, like everything else I've lost, it's a long, slow process.

I read somewhere that betrayed spouses usually re-visit the pain, want more and more details, ask for things that they know are going to hurt them and basically keep picking at the wound until they can pick at it and it doesn't bleed any more. That's how we know we're healed, when we can think about, hear about and visualize the details without feeling the sickness in our stomachs, without feeling the lump in our throats, without feeling the pain. I know that re-visiting this is painful for him, too. He has to remind himself that I'm not throwing it up in his face just to hurt him, he has to make a conscious effort to sacrifice what he needs and to relive his pain in order to help me heal mine. Thank God he's willing to do that now, I just wonder sometimes if it's too late. I hope not. I really do love him.

IHH, we sound so much alike as far as our feelings go, and its nice to know that what I am feeling isn't out of the ordinary!
I want to go to MC, and told h that when he said he wanted to work things out, but first had to let him work on his own issues first.
Now I don't think if I suggest it he will want to go.

As far as affairs go, I never had one nor intend on doing so because I know its a sin of adultry and God would not be pleased. I don't think my wife has commited adultry either, because I don't see where she would find the time. I am telling you this because I don't know how to give you advice about what betrayed spouses need. Is it right to ask more details about the affair even though it will cause that person to hurt more? I don't think that is a good idea but I haven't lived through what experiences you went through. Perhaps others here can give you advice on that one. Or maybe its written in the DB books by Michele. I didn't read that section of the book because it doesn't apply to me. Although, I still have to wonder what good does it do you to know every single detail of the affair. I don't see or understand how you can keep picking at that wound until it doesn't bleed anymore. Is that even possible where it doesn't bleed anymore? I don't think so. It will be too hurtful to you. It doesn't mean you can forget it though either.

None of us are capable to be like Jesus. As hard as it may be for you and for many of us going through life's struggles, what ever they are, give yourself to Jesus. I pray at least 2 1/2 to 3 hrs a day and it really does help me. Remember, God doesn not will it for people to have broken marriages but Satan takes great delight in that. I wish I could tell my wife these things but she is not receptive to things like this. Keep praying as hard as you can and ask Jesus for strenght every single day.
CY

InHisHands,

How's it going?

It's been a wild ride the last couple of days. Thanks for all your thoughtful words, they really do help and I hope I didn't sound argumentative . . . I'm just confused and I'm not very good at handling confusion.

Okay, first the good news . . . the biopsy is done & they set up to do five and only did one, which has to be a good sign, right? Also, the doctor said that his best guess is that it will be precancerous cells that are nearly 100% treatable. Of course, we still have to wait for the final word from the lab, but his best guess is good enough for me right now.

Then we had our first counselors appointment. I have mixed feelings about her. She seems like she has some real, solution-oriented ideas, but I guess I'll just have to see how they play out. My homework assignment is to think of a "punishment," like a penance, that will help me and him both feel like he's "done his time." I have a couple of problems with this. First, I am NOT the creative type so the only thing I can think of is to go have my own affair (probably not the best idea if the goal is to save the marriage and probably not what the counselor had in mind). Second, even though I'm sure deep down I want to see him suffer like I have, I hate to admit that and act on it consciously. Third, there is no way, no matter how creative I can get with it, that he will ever suffer like I have. There's nothing he could do that would compensate for the pain he caused. It's that simple. It was meant to help me heal but all it's really done is drive home just how severe his "crime" and how awful all the consequences are that I've paid for it and how all he's gotten is rewarded for it.

You know, Contyankee, you are probably right about picking open those wounds. I really don't think the questions or the answers serve any useful purpose whatsoever other than to demonstrate whether he is or is not the kind of man who can tell the truth no matter the consequences. That's really the only thing I could gain from it. I have to say, if the goal is to find out whether he's honest to his core, it's not looking good.

So, I'm back to the old "I don't know what I want so I sure don't know which way to go about getting it." I hate this. I used to be decisive and confident about my decisions. I used to make a decision and move mountains to make it happen. I used to make a promise and break my back to keep it. Now I'm just kind of existing. It sucks.

I don't post much anymore because there isn't much to tell. H and I are still piecing but your posts made me get on this board and share with you "stuff". First of all, you don't need to beat yourself up about "making a decision" make a decision NOT to make a decision today about anything so permanent. Sweetheart, I feel for you. I've been exactly where you are. I hated being there but I hated looking at my H and know that HE was responsible for putting me where I never wanted to go. But you know what? As cliche as it sounds, time does heal. My H and I separated for 10 months, but I'm now home and things are good. They aren't the same, but in some aspects, it's better for me. I've actually become more independent. Not because I'm trying to punish him or anything such as that, but I make decisions of where we go or what we do, if he wants to join in, great, if not, I'll get a girlfriend to go rather than forego my want all together. Before, if my H didn't want to, it was a done deal because I wanted to be with him. I was totally co-dependent. Take this time to grow. I know that you love your H and your H loves you, so give it some time. I mean real time. I'm two years into this and trust me, it does get easier. So many wise posters on this board told me the same thing and I thought well they must not had it as bad as me. Some did, some worse, but they were all right. GIVE IT TIME. Let it go. The more you think about it the more junk you have to get over. Keep busy, love yourself, love your family, and the rest will fall into place. I promise!