Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy He cannot get over the OW help us...

I will tell you from experience....if he feels that he loves the OW it will take time for him to "unlove" her if that is what he is trying to do....she is an addiction at this point....he keeps returning for his fix (if he is doing this behind your back)... sometimes the best thing to do at this point is to let him go and carry on like you are fine....focus on the children....do lots of things with them and for yourself when they are with him...this will show him you are not "needy" as most OW are...at first this is appealing to them....but it does get old and starts to feel like controling...

I know this is hard....I have been at this since 9/04....finally my H is home and really trying to make things work....it is going to take time for him to love me again....he had to unlove her first....that has been done....so onto my next hurdle....get him to fall in love with me again...

Hang in there....you are in the right place...vent here and talk as much as you need....I found this helped me keep my focus so I didn't beg and plead with H....

Take care, Linda

I am in the same situation, too. Although, some days H says he wants to work on us, some days he even says he needs to break it off with her, some days he gets all "dreamy" looking and I'm sure thinking about OW, and some days he just can't stop from "feeding the addiction".

I guess I'm "lucky" in that my H refuses to leave home. However, I also almost want their R to play out more quickly and see that happening only if he leaves. On the flip side, it's easier to work on "us" and show him the changes I'm making while he is living at home...

It's the most hideous roller coaster ride in the entire world. But, if you make a plan and figure out why you are here and change your behavior and the way that your act in situations, you H WILL recognize those changes. Do some 180's. Read as much as you can. I can't emphasize enough that you need to make a plan to be the best you possible.

I've also been journaling what has been working and what hasn't. I know for sure that the sobbing, needy, pleading person I was this past week after Valentine's Day is NOT WORKING. I try to think of it as a war of "good" against "evil". Are we up for the fight?

I got back today and right away had to ask if he communicated at all with Ow...why can't I just let it go - what does it matter? I feel he is trying to hide it so I will eventually divorce amicably (though he is willing to give me anything I want) he swears he has not talked to her and that he wants into an apt to think away from me and from her. Our mutual friend told him he needs to be on his own, he cannot see the Ow until he decides what he really needs to be happy - H seems to agree with his friend. We shall see.... I have been taking care of myself - eating right and exercising daily - lost those last hard 5 lbs to lose (thankful, I am not a stress eater!!!). I need to stop asking about her - this was a big backslide today and now I regret it big time! He's on his way home and the kids (and I too) cannot wait to see him. Longest we have been apart in 18 years....it's going to be real tough when he gets the apt...Thanks for your advice!!

Trust me.. I have "not talk of OW" on my list of changes to make and that's the one I'm failing miserably at so far.. I ask myself the same things you do: why can't I just let it go? what does it matter?. I also feel the same mistrust that you do.. have had the same thoughts.. what and why is he hiding. Why can't he just decide? Remember, he's also NOT deciding to be with OW right now.

Maybe moving into the apt will be just what your H needs to get a clue. I know it's got to be so hard on you. Make a plan. Don't fuss over the OW. Have patience.. You're in for the most difficult struggle of your life but you can do it!!!

I know from experience it takes time to get over the OP...my H had a hard time of it....it took probably a good year or more for him to get to the point that he could say it really wasn't love....and to admit that it was a HUGE mistake....some parts he still holds onto....like what a nice person she was....how she really "helped" him when he was ready to die (read deep depression with some suicidal thoughts)....I guess I have to be thankful for some of her....

It is hard not to think of her...and still sometimes I have questions....occasionally I will come out and ask...he is very good now about providing answers for me....this makes me feel less like asking about her....

btw....the affair has been over for 2 years and 4 months!....it runs deep....but we are doing so much better now then even a year ago when he returned home!!!

He spent over a year on his own...without OW in his life before he returned to me....I think this was good....for both of us

I hope this helps you, Linda

Well he was busted. He had her to the house and lied on the phone and then to my face. Even when the Ow H called me to warn me my H tried to still lie. God he disgusts me so much right now -its the first time I think I hate him.

He is going to try to get into an apt, ASAP

And I still wanted to fall asleep next to him - but I was so mad he was asleep I woke him and asked him to go down to the guest room. I feel asleep then for two hours and now cannot sleep at all...

Now do I do the LRT big time - I guess? I told him to go figure what he wants and we can talk D in 4 to 6 mos
Our daughter will have to know - she will find out from the gossip - small town and we were all in the same social circle. How do we tell her without to much info?
Boy I need help right now...

HB,
Your feelings are completely normal. This is a horrible roller coaster ride. You go between love and hate and will continue to do that. Just don't do or say anything drastic right now. You did the right thing by leaving the door open.

Have you figured out what needs this OW is satisfying for him? Is there a way that you can start to meet any of those needs? Has he given you any information on why the A so that you can focus on doing 180's in those areas? I'm no expert but I'm not so sure it's time for LRT yet. Hang in there...Get a strategy together.

I also know what you mean about wanting to fall asleep next to your H despite what is happening. Mine sleeps mostly in the guest room as well and it is heartbreaking.

Also - you might want to talk to a counselor about how to approach your kids. Would your H be willing to go as well? Just a thought...

heartbroken,

It's not time for the LRT.

LRT is when he wants to divorce, not until then.

He's still involved with OW and can't give her up.

The most important thing: You need to Get a Life. Do things for you. This whole affair is sucking up all your energy. Become interesting, joyful, fun and sexy. This will help you to survive if he really leaves for good and...it will be the only thing that brings him back.

The affair may need to play itself out, but you need to become more interesting than OW.

Of course he's lying. Being "in love" is a form of psychosis. He can't think straight.

Even if her wanted to break it off...Breaking it off with the OW is like trying to quit drinking. There are backsliding experiences. He's addicted.

You have a better shot of him seeing your changes if he's still at home. You have to decide if you can function well while your husband sleeps with a good friend of yours. Some people can, some can't.

---Theoden

I thought LRT is when you are physically separated - that will happen this Sat/Sun - he has signed a 6 mos lease. I have told him I do not want to discuss anything about Ow or their so called R. We can talk kids, money (he wants me to still control the checking account and use the same credit card - so I can see what is being spent) and if he wants to talk about us he can bring it up - I said I will not bring us up. I said I am leaving a door open for him and he said he has not closed it yet...He wants me to trust him with our $$$$ but I fear getting screwed one more time.

Ow soon to be Ex H called and said he found her prescription for Valtrex - herpes or cold sores (per Ow) but this has put some serious doubts into my H head (finally). He just cannot see that her having a new boyfriend (with sleepovers per her H) the month we were reconciling is another flaw in her character. Maybe he is starting to think that - I can only hope.

I am willing to let their A pan out - it can only fail - I just need patience. We agreed to no filing for D unless we do it together. And he has agreed to NOT have her around when he has the kids - I am scared he cannot go thru with this- but then his almost 13 yr old daughter will not want to be with him anyways. I still am confused on how much truth we tell her - this is her social circle (daughters of our friends) too - the word will get out and the Ow son (12) is in the same class. I'd rather she got the truth from us first and not be blindsided at the school rumor mill.... Any feedback would be appreciated! Thanks for all your help in the "Days of My life" - I should write a soap opera!!!