Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy He cannot get over the OW help us...

I know.. it is a horrible soap opera and I've always hated them anyway! Unfortunately, our H's don't see anything wrong in their OW. I've brought up lies that she has told him about her M or things that she has done like "pretending" to be ill. H always blasts me and says I don't know what I'm talking about. The OW are perfect in their eyes.. for now anyway. The lies will build up... they have to...

I'm afraid that my H will take my young daughter out with him and OW, too. They did it before I knew about the A. I asked him never to do it again unless we were D... He agreed... but I don't trust him. OW has bought her gifts for holidays... It ticks me off big time! All we want to do is protect our kids. I would see a professional about how to handle your situation.. really I would...It's different for me because of how young my child is...

Heartbroken,

Regarding the kids..,ouch.

Groundrules...

1. You both love them. Daddy and Mommy are there for them.
2, This is not their fault.
3. Daddy is not sure if he's in love in mommy anymore, he's moving out to get his thoughts together.
4. If it's obvious and undeniable that he's dating another woman, then tell the oldest that daddy had a girlfriend now. She'll figure it our anyway. He'll have to justify it to her. If it were me, I wouldn't create a "united front" explanation about the affair. It's not OK for daddy to have a girlfriend. I would tell my kids it's called adultery and that daddy is cheating on mommy and breaking his promise. That's just me. Most family therapists would disagree with me. But I am not going to lie to my kids or compromise my core convictions to make it easier for them or my spouse who is having an affair.
5. Insist, during the separation that your daughter is not be in the presence of the OW. When he has the kids, it's ONLY him.
6. If the separation is legal, and hopefully it's not, you can ask the judge/mediator/lawyer to make sure he doesn't expose the kids to the OW.

--Theoden

Lonleyolive,

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

We tell our kids, that though there's a divorce, that daddy loves them and is to be trusted. The truth is that daddy is a liar and an adulterer.

It feels kind of strange then, to want to shield them from the OW, who is an adulterer, liar and a thief (stole your husband).

We are civilized about this aren't we?

Sorry...I find our legal system sooooo bizarre.

--Theoden

Well it is getting so much more out of control now that the Ow H now knows. More people are finding out in our small community I am scared for my kids. Stuff like this goes like wild fire.

My H seemed for the first time to really listen to me about her and herpes, her other boyfriend but then I went on to long and he clamped down.

He says he is not comfortable with all that I am telling my family and best friend. I should have said I was not comfortable with him f*&king another woman. God this is so unfair. I said he talks to her every morning and I have had NO ONE since Aug 9th - I would go crazy not getting this out (which is why I love this place and all your suppport).

I know I have backslid due to the other H this week but I am emailing him asking him to not call or email me anymore with "their" details (he has to live it cuz Ow is still in his house for the next 30 days). I really just want to stop talking about Ow and their dillusional R - I told my H I just want to talk about kids, money issues and if he wants to talk about our R (what's left of it) I will do that but he needs to initiate.

My best friends says they are doomed to fail - but how long can I wait? He's broken my heart so bad I am starting to question if I really do want him back...

How can they feel this will work when they both have pre teen kids who are going to be really pissed off that their "R" caused the breakups of two families...I am so scared for my daughter and her future experiences with relationships...

Thanks for reading this and help give me strength to get through this - it is so damn hard...

heartbroken,

Yeah, these things get around.

You wait as long you can stand it. The hard part is you deciding if you want to divorce him because of the affair. It's up to you.

If you want to save your marriage, and heal this thing, let them ride out the affair, it will, most probably end.

Don't pressure him, her shit will start to stink soon enough ;-)

Either way, Get a Life. Blossom.

It'll make you stronger.

If he's gone for good, you'll be at the top of your game. To live in forgiveness and self-repect is the only way to recover. It'll help your children more than if you are pathetic heart-broken wreck. If he wants to leave, you can't stop him. And the effect on the children is un-avoidable, but, it'll be on his head. They don't need a daddy who is unrepentant adulterer. You have the advantage of probably getting complete custody.

If he decides to come back, guess what, YOU get to choose if you want him back and you will be doing so, not out of desperation, but out of strength and power. And you may say no to him. Or you may say yes to him.

The game isn't over. Your power is growing daily, his power shrinking daily. He's done the worst he can -- he's fucked another woman and is leaving you for her. He's hurt two families. He's played his hand. What else can he do? His power over you is over. He's done his worst. He's got nothing else. The OW will start to grate on his nerves. She's only going to start to look less and less attractive to him. You, on the other hand, are becomnig a more luminous, sexy, interesting woman. They are the ones who are stuck. They have to deal with bills, visitation, guilt, disillusionment, boredom, bathroom smells. They are going to become the boring couple. You are the one with the options. Your interactions with him will make him curious and interested. You, my dear, get to be the other woman. You may be able to seduce him away from her. Or you may not, but truth be told, you will be sooooo hot, soooo interesting, so self-possessed, that it won't really matter to you if he wants to come back or not, because you choose what and who you want.

--Theoden

Well said Theoden
I needed that , too!

Lonleyolive,

It's true for you.

I think DB woman are the most soulful, interesting, attractive and sexy, even though I never see them. ;-)

--Theoden

Thank you so much! I really needed the ego booster today!

Here is the letter I am handing him tonight and will have him read with me there:

I just want to say that we should really only need to talk about the kids, our financial dealings and our relationship (though this one may not be much to talk about right now). I am truly done asking questions of your other doings, I want to know nothing more. Unless there are statements made about me and what I am doing to 'us' that drag my name down, those I would like to defend/talk about.

I don't care about Karrick or who else knows (unless I am going to get blindsided big time it would be nice to know that), I don't care where Ow resides (as long as it is not with our kids) or her finances (as long as she is getting no $$$ from you) and I do not care to hear the logic/reasoning behind this 'cold sore' issue. I trust you will take precautions and not expose the kids to this when kissing them. I did a search on cold sores and they are highly contagious, even when there are no outlying symptoms.

So these are my new boundaries I hope you can understand where I am coming from. I need to start focusing on me I am withering away literally (both physically and emotionally) and I need to start healing too.

I need to trust (and this is hard for me right now) that you will be true to the four areas we talked about this past week and how you promised to honor each one of them for this I am grateful. Thank-you! signed Me


So this is it. No blame just the facts and me truly starting to let him go. I cannot even get myself to cry today - which is good! I am sure come Sat. (when he moves out) will be a diff story...

Well it was a good night last night - on top of the letter I gave him (see above) I also added that friends may be trying to "hook" me up with potential dates and is this okay with him. He said he'd be a hypocrite if he said no. "At least until I decide what I am going to do (betwn choosing me or the Ow)" - this pisses me off - like all of this his decision. Well he may take too long and I may be gone before he decides. How can he be so arrogant?

I told him I am done with all the drama of him & Ow and the exH - and he says he's doesn't like it either but somehow I think he will still be dealing with their (Ow and her ex) shit for some time. The exH is so angry and he wants nothing but to hurt them -
so my H will still be sucked in even if he doesn't want it.

Okay I am trying to give him space. He talks to Ow every morning (this is what the A really has been emails, text msgs and cell phone calls - less than 12 times actually together or so he says - like he knows the truth) from 5:15 AM until he gets to work at 6 AM.

Now today he calls me to check in - I left it go to voice mail - do I call him back at some point? How far do I distance myself to let him see I can and will get on without him but yet not push him away so much that he can up file for D???? This is such a fine line to walk and I HATE playing these games - how am I going to get through this??????