Not that I have any answers or specific help, but I did want to "send out some love" (you know, in a manly, back-slapping, entirely MASCULINE sort of way, like they do on The Sopranos , not in a GAY way or anything, not that there's anything WRONG with that, mind you . . . ) to Abyss. Because I can relate to a lot of what he's saying.
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She knew where the bedroom was, and she knew how to begin physical contact with me. Wake up, it's 2007, women wanted equal rights, they got them.
I could have written this myself, and feel exactly the same way. It's a two-way street.
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I am certainly not waiting on my wife to make this work. She cannot make this work on her own any more than I can. The difference is that I tried for two months after the bomb was dropped to try to get her into counseling, tried to engage her in conversation, etc. only to be rebuffed on all attempts. After two months I stopped beating my head against the floor. I have no plans to put our marriage back together, nor will I approach her again regarding the subject. However, if she comes to me with the slighest hint and willingness that she'd like to make our marriage work, I'd be 100% with her in all endevors to put our marriage back together.
OMG, it's like this was copied and pasted from one of my old posts, it's so familiar. This is EXACTLY how I feel, and I stil don't understand why this is an unrealistic attitude? There are many of us out here willing to do the hard work necessary to save and improve our marriage, but only want to see SOME indication from our spouses that they're willing to work at it too!
Two months IS a long time when you've poured your guts out, you've done all the initiating, you've shown the only affection, you've set up the counseling sessions (and she won't even go), or when you merely want a kiss with some WARMTH in it.
This is what I'm hearing from Abyss, and A, correct me if I'm wrong. You ARE willing to work at this, but you need to see SOMETHING from your wife, and yes, the ball IS in her court, because you're no longer willing to hold it anymore.
I disagree, Utterly. I don't think two months is much time to WORK at something jointly (like someone else said, it may take up to one month per year that you've been married, or maybe one month per year that you've had these problems). But I DO think it's a long time -- TOO long -- for one spouse to work at something unilaterally , without ANY help from the other spouse.
We all like to use the NOPs as an example around here, and they are a wonderful success and inspiration. But they BOTH worked at this, and while each may have pissed the other off several times along the way (I seem to remember flying dinnerware!), I don't think either of them ever felt like the other one wasn't also INVOLVED in this thing?
but the book talks about how you CAN make a difference even if one person is willing to work on it - if we change our actions, they have to change their reactions KWIM?
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Like BF said, you can't score if you give the ball to someone else. All you can do is 'defend.'
I don't think BF is advocating that A work on this all alone. I see him saying, 'use what power you do have to your best advantage and see what happens.' A more proactive approach as opposed to a 'do nothing, wait and see what she does first' approach.
And as far as the NOPs go, yes, Mrs. NOP stepped up in a very big way, but NOP did start it, and he had to work at her quite some time, if I remember correctly.
My only advice to you is that if you are serious about saving this M it will take a whole lot more than taking the position of "I'll do what I can with what I think is wrong with myself (doubtless she has other opinions) and she can take it or leave it and if she doesn't do one or the other soon, I will." C'mon - seven years of no intimacy. She may not have done her 50% but neither did you. BTW - marriage usually takes more than 50% of each persons best effort most of the time.
The people on this forum are smart, accomplished people, they don't ask questions for their own edification, they are usually to seek out a certain, specific type of information that they feel might help you. If you are going to over-protect and defend yourself here, we can't help. This forum is not for everyone. A Divorce Busting Coach can discuss potential strategies and solutions privately. Maybe not a bad idea.
A more proactive approach as opposed to a 'do nothing, wait and see what she does first' approach.
I was always told that a "He Who Cares the Least -- Wins" approach is the way to go. Never worked for me, tho, and it doesn't seem like it's working for ol' Abyss here, either.
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And as far as the NOPs go, yes, Mrs. NOP stepped up in a very big way, but NOP did start it, and he had to work at her quite some time, if I remember correctly.
I'd love to know this -- how long after NOP started the rapproachment was it before MrsNOP joined the fray?
