I have gotten off to a terrible start here. I'd like to thank everyone for your insights and time. I certainly did not come here to be disrespectful to anyone, and I didn't come here to argue and fight with anyone. I came here for help, because I don't know what else to do to save my marriage. I hope and pray that for anyone that's posted here and is hurting as I am, finds peace and love in their life.
Corri, I really thank you. I know you can/could give me insight into my situation since you've been on the other side. But, I feel that I have caused more harm here than good, and I do not wish to do that.
I have gotten off to a terrible start here. I'd like to thank everyone for your insights and time. I certainly did not come here to be disrespectful to anyone, and I didn't come here to argue and fight with anyone. I came here for help, because I don't know what else to do to save my marriage. I hope and pray that for anyone that's posted here and is hurting as I am, finds peace and love in their life.
Corri, I really thank you. I know you can/could give me insight into my situation since you've been on the other side. But, I feel that I have caused more harm here than good, and I do not wish to do that.
No, you have not gotten off to a bad start here. Not at all.
You, in your frustration, are perfectly normal. We all do it. There are two types of folks who show up here, intially. Ones with guns blazing, and the other so full of remorse and self-recrimination, they can't get out of their own way.
You have spunk. Good for you.
However. The guys here will help you far more than I can, intially. And I hope you listen to them.
You are among friends. Don't go. All you have to do, first and foremost, is check your ego at the door.
If you want you marriage to work, you need to do the work. Fact is, she's still there, so it sounds an awful lot like she's waiting for you to do SOMETHING.
Listen to Corri, she is a very wise woman. We've seen several folks here bring back their marriages from the same edge you are on right now, and do it successfully. In order for it to work, you need to take full ownership of your part in this, and change yourself so that you become attractive to her. That means becoming self-confident, being the "man of steel", and stop placating. If you can find it, look for CSW's thread here (not sure if it is findable now that they redid the site, but rumor has it the old threads are still there, just not directly visible). CSW's wife was having a PA with an ex-friend of CSW's. Last we heard, they reconciled and have a much better marriage than they ever had. He too had a low sex drive, didn't initiate often. He listened to people here, studied and discovered how to jump-start his drive and become the "man-of-steel" that no woman can resist. You can do it too, but you need to put down the shields and listen to what folks are telling you here. We've seen it before, and your's is no different than the many who've gone before you.
So, if you want the support and help here, listen to those who are trying to help you. Embrace the notion that you have as big a role in the state of your M as your W does. Quit the self loathing, it is only going to drive her away. Also, 2 months is nothing. There used to be a metric bandied about here fairly often that said something like a month of honest hard work for every year you've been married is the MINIMUM time it will take to put your M back on track....and that's if you do everything perfectly with no missteps. I'll give you a hint, so far you are headed in the wrong direction, so much so that you don't even recognize a misstep. We're here for you, but you need to soften your attitude and be willing to put in the work (and be committed to making it work) in order to have any success at all. Otherwise, just file now and get it over with.
You may be right about some of these guys here helping me, but I just don't see it with the comments I've seen from them. They all seem to be big talkers and make big assumptions over the internet. I just wonder if they'd be so quick to take those actions with me face to face. All of this is fruitless and childish. I didn't come here to defend myself. I have always thought that if one did not have something productive to say, one should keep his/her mouth shut. I came here for help, not to get bogged down in this foolishnes.
This "be a man" crap is so far removed from me that it's laughable. I don't think anyone that has ever known me, including my wife, would ever place me in the "not a man" category, in any classification of the phrase. I'm hearing that I'm angry and that I'm envious of my wife's career and that I'm not a leader and I'm not taking any responsibility for my marital situation, and this and that. I'm not sure if some of these "men" have read what I've written or if they have, I'm not sure they can comprehend what I've written.
Hell, maybe everyone here is right and I'm wrong. Maybe I should do exactly what my wife wants me to do to get her to stay, I could be her boy toy. Perhaps I should buckle and make all of the changes in myself and my marriage to get her to stay while at the same time expecting no changes from her--yep, that be the "manly" thing to do. Then the next time she wanted something she could use this same ploy again--yeah, I'd definitely be the leader in those situations.
I can very honestly say that if my wife is not going to work on herslf and our marriage willingly and openly, I don't want her to stay. The same holds true for me. I would not expect my wife to stay if I was unwilling or open to working on myself and our marriage. It's not a matter of rolling up my sleves and going to work, I have no problem with that, but I'm just too damn proud to do all of the work to save my marriage for a spouse that seems like she couldn't care less about me or us.
Maybe you're right Corri, maybe this is her last ditch effort (slapping me in the head) to see where it leads. (I too find it very strange that she wailed for a divorce and as soon as I agreed to one she has not mentioned it again.)I personally don't make threats and don't take lightly being threatened (in this case the divorce issue). If this is a game, she could very well be disappointed in the outcome. And so could I.
I am going to continue to follow my feelings on this issue. I am not going to do a damned thing but take care of myself and my son. I am going to continue not to give her the time of day--I'm civil and there for my wife, but I no longer plan my business or life around us. I am not going to approach her about fixing our marriage.
Again Corri, thank you for your time and comments, but I just don't see me getting much help here. I will continue to read the posts, and I certainly wish everyone well in their endevors.
On many of your comments I agree with you. I'm not sure if you read or understood my prior posts. If my wife is having an affair we're over, plain and simple. Other men might be OK with a spouse that has done this; I however am not one of those men. I would not do it, and I won't have a spouse that has or would do it.
As far as doiong something, I have done plenty, and I'm willing to do more, but not until she is willing to do something.
Did you not see that I'm not here for pity, nor am I wollowing in my misery, self loathing (?). I came here for help, not emotional support.
As far as the sex drive issue, that's back. Went to the doctor and found out that I had a low testosterone issue. Had the pellets installed in my hip (time release medicine), and I can say that I'd love to have a month in the sack with my wife, never leaving the bed except to eat and shower. My wife does not feel this way and I damned sure want beg and whine for sex.
I too have seen the one month for every year of marriage ratio to reconcile differences in a marriage. My two month number was an arbitray figure; I'd stay 22 months or longer if I thought there'd eventually be chang (and no I don't expect my wife to drive or be responsible for all of the change).
As far as doing the wrong thing, how so? I certainly might be, but I'd like some specific pointers on the correct things to do.
Well. Like I said. There are those with 'tude, and those with not.
I understand your frustration, and I don't want to project onto your wife something that she may or may not be doing. The fact that she has filed for a D, but has not taken it any further screams to me that she is trying to get your attention. To me. K?
Have you been in marriage counseling, and are you willing to suggest to your wife that she go with you? Are you willing to go yourself, for your son, even if she does not want to go?
You are a tough cookie, make no mistake. I can see that. You have hard and fast rules on what marriage should and should not be... how behaviors should and should not go.
It sounds a bit different than your original post, though. I have to say. I'm getting two different people here, reading your initial post, and then your follow ups. Could be me.
You want help, yet you don't. You ask for help, yet reject it when it doesn't come in the form that maybe you expected. Hm. You like to hear that you are right, but reject what the men here have struggled hard and long for. Many of them have found success... but as a newcomer, you reject it outright.
I wonder why.
Not to slam you or pity you, I'm just wondering why you would reject, out of hand, what others here, men who have done excactly as you have before you... as pathetic or not worth your time. I've been around here for some time... been through my own shite... in my own right... have watched a NUMBER of men, much like you.... find their way... and I wonder... for someone new here... why you would slam the efforts of those you have not even taken the time to explore. I understand it if you have, and then you made some sort of logical decision on it... come to some sort of educated opinion on your readings... but these men, and women... have struggled, like you... and have found some measure of success. Some have not, to be sure.
But to dismiss them out of hand, does not go along with the intelligence and sense of fair play I sense in you. I would be sorely dissapointed were my instincts that off.
Thanks, I will get the book and read it. I have no problem with making changes, in fact this entire experience has been a real eye opener for me. I have made changes, and I will continue to make changes to be a better person. When I looked (inside) at myself when all of this came up, boy, was I ever disappointed in what I had become. Regardless of what happens with me and my wife, I will never again be the person that I saw when this divorce business started.
Especially if she is expected to change some of her behaviors. This is going to be tricky. My wife has not accepted any responsibility for her actions in this matter. You can't change something unless you recognize that it's a problem. She simply does not think that she's had a hand in the demise of our relationship. I can't help her with recognizing that; she has to do it on her own. Right now she is seeing me as the sole person responsibe for all of our problems, and, therefore, she sees herself as not having had anything to do with our problems. I don't know what to do about this other than wait it out.
You're the second person on here that's told me, because she has not filed papers yet, that she's waiting. Waiting for what? I can only change myself, which I'm doing. My wife knows that I will never beg her to stay, and she knows that at some point I might become unwilling to work on our marriage. I have not told her that, but my wife knows me. She knows that when I get my fill of something, I can walk away. I try until I'm satisfied that I can possibly do nothing else, then I walk away.
I personally don't believe that she's waiting for me to do something or that she's waiting to see what I do. I think she doesn't want the stigma of having filed for our divorce hanging over her head. In the state that we live in "I don't love you anymore" is not one of the statutes for divorce. I see this as passive agression. She knows that I will not continue to live like this, so she'll wait me out. At some point I'll file. She gets her divorce, which she wants, and she can tell everyone that I filed for divorce. My wife is no dummy; she is a very intelligent woman.
Thanks for your thoughts. I'm certainly going to get the book and read it.
