Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis So many problems...

Thanks for the reply.

I do know what I'm doing wrong. I sometimes get emotional in front of her. It doesn't help to see her all the time. When she says things like she has to grieve over the end of our marriage, it gets hard to act 'as if'.

And it feels so unnatural not to feel along with her.


I'm going to hang in there. I hope the Good Lord is on my side here.

Im

Seems you have done homework well enough to gain a lot of facts. More than you can sort and absorb. Tis the nature of the beast.

On a couple of those points. Your bet is that the A will implode for several reasons standing the test of time. It was born of confusion and depression on her part. This does pass and will impact the A. You wearing a happy face will impact it. The OM sounds needy. The more the better. She does not need someone to be too dependent on her now. The OM will seem that way more, as you beg less. You will become the friend, the rock she can turn to when she is ready.

You are living for her return, not yourself. Become the rock. I believe you once were, and she was drawn to that. You may have to see her drift far away from her rock, before she decides to return. You may even slip out of her sight before she senses the loss.

IM,

Listen to Lis and RollerCoaster.

You and me, IM, we have alot in common here. I'll stop by later, got a busy morning right now.

I promise this does get better. Your W and OM...very similar to me and my sitch.

Im,
Lissett and RCR are rigth. Listen to them they are very wise. This is the RCR down to the 9th circle of hell. Be strong for you, I go for long walks and someimtes I cry the whole way just so I can come home and be a friend to my H. And it really s**ks! I want to smack him! We don't get to do that. You do need to decide what you want. I too am a Stander, and some days are sooo bad I would rather die. But I don't because one way or another I will come through this as the BEST me I can be. No, I am not joining the Army (too old *sigh*). It takes all the strenght and determination you've got and then some. Borrow from those of us here. Do you really care if you look like a monster? Would you be willing to take that on if it meant the two of you could fix this? I found it really helpful to decide exactly what I want. Everyday I take a step in that direction NO MATTER HOW SMALL. If it looks like the step I've taken is leading me in the wrong direction, I make the correction. Kind of like a flight plan. You can do this. It hurts like hell, but your stronger than you know. You have to decide. Hugs.

Thank you all. Yes, I know I have to be strong, as heart-rending as that is right now. But I'm not sure I was ever a "rock" - I was always as confident as I could be, but I've had my own bouts of depression and despair over the years. I got better at handling my own life and problems, but nothing has forced me to be as rock-like as this.

About being a monster - I feel like I'm getting tarred with a really wide brush. I really don't care, but I'm afraid that validating her feelings will support her view of me and maybe make it worse.

You know, as if she would say,"you were always selfish and unfeeling," and I said, "yes, I see what you mean." I wasn't always like that - I tried hard to be selfless and sympathetic. God, if she believes the worst about me now, what's it going to be like later?

I looked over the MLC "timeline" and it seems like she cycles through these stages. Maybe it holds for any transition stage in the personality. I'm just wondering how much of a guide I have in understanding this whole thing. If I made better sense of it, it would be a bit easier to be strong.

Right now, I don't know what to do other than listen, wait, and tough it out. I'm going by the DB frame.

But when she has brought up going to a therapist, I didn't know what to do either. If I say "great" she feels pressured. If I say "oh, ok, later" she feels I'm holding her in limbo.

Right now though, the only therapy she wants is breakup therapy. What should I do?

And I feel guilty about the GAL thing. She's in misery, and it's like I want to be there too - it's one of the only ways we're really close these days.

I'm really twisted up over this.

I'm sorry, I didn't answer some of your questions.

I believe divorce is morally bad. i made a commitment and I plan to stick by it. I let my W down a lot, which means I failed that commitment, and now I'm afraid I'm being punished by God or Fate or something for it. But I take my vows seriously and always have.

I'm having a problem letting my W be with her depression. Boy, do I want to make her feel better. I'd do almost anything except sign the divorce papers...

So hard to ditch expectations.

Punished by God?
heh...thats what the afterlife is for, in all religions.
Do not do that to yourself.
Fix the things you do not like in yourself, but not for anyone else but you.

Yeah we all do, don't. She needs to go through this, be there for her but not all the time.

As for validating, good job. But stop short of taking all of the blame. You and SHE had a responsibility to each other to talk and communicate when problems arose. Not run to someone else. Got it?

She starts doing that validate but with a firmer but gentle hand evenly taking the blame.

You're right about BOTH of us having a responsibility to communicate. But she says she tried all the time. Maybe she did and I was too selfish to hear it, but I'll be dammned if I can say that she did it in a way that was going to get through to me. Most of the time she threatened me, or attacked me pretty cruelly. She 'could find someone better' or I was "going to be a loser" and stuff like that.

So how do you validate "but with a firm but gentle hand evenly taking the blame"?

I am sorry you feel that way, perhaps you did try to get through to me. I can see now with what you are telling me that you tried. Perhaps kinder words would have won through to me. We have both made mistakes we both made the mistakes that lead to this.

Some things that I have learned to be helpful. 1) give them space 2) don't talk to mutual friends about the situation 3) I hated validated H's feelings. The statement that has been most effective for me has been "I'm sorry you feel that way". My H is dumbstruck everytime I say this. 4) Don't be so available for her. She has to feel what it would be like without you 5)do the unexpected, hair style, hobbie, etc... 5) be so very very happy 6) Don't talk relationship issues for now 6) take good care of yourself, emotionally and physically.
Tell me more how she met the OM?