Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy What does it all mean??

Did any of you see your R with H go even more down hill after finding out about the A? I was looking at some e-mails from a month ago where H was stating that he would be willing to give her up... even a few weeks ago - much more loving toward me. I'm just wondering if it's because I've been so clingy, tried to get him to end the A, tried to get him to leave me; or, if it's because the realization has really hit him that he needs to give up someone? Maybe a combination of the two.. Just trying to gain some insight.. I hate this!!!

It is truly roller coaster since finding out about A. Times when he tried to leave her, and felt totally miserable because he could not (and blamed it on ME that he couldn't), times when he was ready to come back to me and was all loving and kissing, etc., times when he felt like just walking out, times when he simply did not know what to do. He asked me "HOW? WHAT DO I DO?" almost everyday that it is becoming a joke between us.

On the attractive part, it's really good. With most of us, we lost the dreaded 10-20 pounds due to this. But now I am back to eating and sleeping and I actually have to WORK to keep the weight down. But for me anyway, it really boosted my ego. I took pictures of the NEW me and sent to his SILs and my sister and they all loved the way I look. New underwear (uncomfy but pretty ones) got his attention. I make sure I wear sexy stuff when I go out with friends. Got new wardrobe. Think of it as alternative counseling cost. I got compliments all the time now which is great. And it's healthy if you can start exercising to fight depression. I take up inline skating (and believe me, I was a couch potato).
R will be ups and downs. And the reason will be a combination of whatever he is feeling at that particular moment. No specific advice here, just hugs and take care of yourself.

I have been doing pretty good this week and have been letting H have space. He has been really distant and it is so hard to not try to bring him closer to me. We were on the day-to-day roller coaster ride for a while but for the past week or so he has just been so darn distant. Where he used to be much more loving toward me, he hardly even touches me unless I initiate it. I feel like the gap is widening!! It is so scary and hard to remain in control of me and my actions and words!

He said this week that he almost left last week but I believe that to be just blowing smoke since he has always maintained that he has no place to go and isn't ready for that step yet. I guess he just feels trapped at our house/in our marriage right now. He practically spewed venom this week when the C told him that he needed to give up OW in order to work on M. H said no way, not going to do it, need to spend more time with her to draw a conclusion about their R.

In the meantime, I have so many "well-meaning" friends who are telling me to kick him out of the house. I don't want to do that and I know everyone here undertands. I need to tune out those other people and stay the course, right?

Besides giving up expectations, also stop taking anything he says personally. For many that's a difficult concept to understand, but if you can get there the negative things he says or does won't hurt so badly. When they are in these relationships it's hard to believe it, but they aren't fully thinking realistically. So try to just smile and "yes" him through the nutty things he says (even if you don't agree!!!). Try to imagine you're humoring a 2-year-old.

As far as being 100% in it if he chooses. Does that mean you support a divorce? Do you really feel that way? I did not support the divorce, but I did fully support my husband's decision to do what would "make him happy." I told him that his happiness was important to me, and if he felt it was elsewhere then I supported that (a little different than supporting divorce), and this I explained in a very positive, supportive way. I think this helped him see me as a friend. My husband had developed (or rather created) some negative images of me and I needed to change that.

Interestingly, when I'd talk about wanting him to be happy and if OW made him happy then that's where he needed to be... well then he really started to wonder what actually would make him happy. Once I agreed then he had nothing to fight against and had to consider just where happiness might be.

Do they understand what they will lose? Sometimes they have to lose it first to realize the value of what they had.

Yes, I think there's some real good possible reasons for that. For one, it still may be early enough that the whole fanasy part of the affair hasn't worn off and he's addicted to it like a drug.

Another thing, they carry a lot of guilt and that tends to push them further away from the marriage. It's not always easy to go back when a spouse has learned about something like this. I know I have a hard time getting closer to someone if I've done something to hurt them and feel super guilty about it. That's where being positive and supportive comes in.

Clinging? Yes, that definitely pushes them away. And trying to get him to end the affair... that makes you look controling. The OW comes out looking like the better choice.

Thanks for the replies..
It sounds like I told my H pretty much what you have. I don't want D but if he thinks he will be happier with OW, then that is where he should go.. I don't want that but if that would make him truly happy then so be it. He actually got mad at me and said that I am acting like a victim saying that I'm willing to let him go. I do feel like he is very much addicted to OW.

I have done so much better this week at not being clingy. It makes me feel better about myself as well. Although, I got zero comments on my new outfit today, I know he loves the thongs!! Couldn't keep his hands off me

As for pressure to end the A, there are a few people as well as the church who are starting to put the pressure on. H is reacting like a 2-year-old that is told he can't have a toy - very defiant. So, I feel like I can just be supportive and positive about our R right now. I get the feeling that OW is wanting to talk to people about him - starting with her young children. I can't imagine that this will go over very well with H right now since he is still living at home. I kind of feel like once she starts talking, she won't shut up!! and the cat will be out of the bag!

Hello,

I came to read your post since you have been so good within mine! I cannot do what you are doing. I basically pushed him to get an Apt. - but then he was just pushing to go and file for D so what is better? I figure they can now do their thing and it will not be such a fun fantasy life. It's going to suck being in a 1 BR apt with a twin daybed for a couch/bed. He says he's not even going to hook up cable (it's 50 dollars) - that will last 5 days!

They are like teenagers - and they will be their own demise. I told him their R is like a house of cards - built on nothing but lies and deceit. They have way to many issues to get over including 2 preteen kids that will hate what they did to their families.

I did tell him my friends may be hooking me up and am I allowed to date while he has his playtime?? He said he could not tell me no and still do his thing...

We shall see where this run.

I know I am better when he is not there giving me the Ow details - it just hurts to much. I am letting him go - I only want him if he truly wants me. Not because of duty, obligations, vows or anything else - because he WANTS TO BE WITH ME! Otherwise I do not want him back - I say this and I mean it I will get stronger each day. And he may make up his mind too late and then our kids will pay the price....:(

HB,
You CAN do it.. I have gone through all of the emotions you're feeling right now. I told H to leave.. I told him I wanted a D.. He wouldn't do either. So, I guess I just decided that I will not be the one to pull the trigger and this is the best I can do to try to get my H back. It helps to take the advice of the people here...know what things have worked for others. I already feel like a have more sex appeal.. Truly empowering!

I know it hurts like crazy to hear about the OW. I am trying to let it roll off now. It's taken more than a month of knowing to even think I can let it roll off. But, you have to remember that they are like crazy addicted people right now. The things they say they are feeling are like people on crack! You are right .. YOU will get stronger. I'm not sure it's the best idea for you to date right now, though. You are very vulnerable and could get yourself much deeper into something than you really want to. Then, where are you at when your H realizes what an idiot he has been and does want YOU?

No matter what, you are going to be ok.. Listen to Theoden.. You are a strong, beautiful woman with her heart in the right place.

Lonley,

Just read you post.

Wow....tough stuff.

I think you need to be honest with him. Pressing him to get rid of OW we all know doesn't work.

But..is saying it's OK for him to leave if "that makes him truly" happy really honest? If it is..so be it. I could never say that honestly.

--Theoden

Of course that's not what I want in all honesty. I KNOW he can be happiest with me.

Ya' know.. sometimes I feel like H is just wanting to be with the woman who proves that she wants to be with HIM the most.