Thank you for being so sweet. Sorry my GAL list isn't up to scratch.
I do not have any GF to do anything with. We have no spare cash to do anything with. But anyway. None of this really matters because the thing is I am happy with my life and what I do in it. I am unhappy because I don't have someone to ML with and I need that to be truly happy and feel that life is complete.
My S is only 2 so I would need a babysitter a lot to do all the lovely things you suggest. Don't get me wrong they all sound lovely to do and I know where you're coming from saying I just need to decide to do them but my life really does revolve around him (S).
Right now I don't feel like we are going to make it. I think we will end up D anyway after all this and I think I'm starting to think that I may as well do it myself now rather than keep up this pretence that we'll make it and then H bomb me again. It is easier to GAL and get on with your life when the person you love isn't living with you and sleeping in bed with you. When they are there in your face it makes life all about them and the problem - you can't stop focusing on it. Every time I lay next to him I hate that I cannot touch him or kiss him. He hugs me and that's his way of trying to make me think things are OK but that makes me want him more because I'm close to him.
When I had a similar problem after S was born H wanted me to see a C there was never any mention that we would D if it didn't get sorted. Now H has the problem and it is basically said that if he cannot sort it in his head we will D. I asked how come its different and he says he doesn't think a C would sort it. I don't think he can sort it. I can't stop crying. Every time his back is turned I'm in tears. He said this morning that there are more things right than wrong (with the R). That brought a tear to my eye because it was such a lovely thing to say.
haven't checked on you for a while gal, I'm sorry things aren't doing so well and that you feel down. As far as affection, my H had none for me when he came back last April, no hugs no kisses and we only ML if I initiated, I think he reciprocated in that matter just so I wouldn't feel bad, even when we did, there were no caresses, not much warmth. It only started to get better after Sept or October, about 5mths after he came back.
I was the one who was kissed him, hugged him, cuddle up to him. Had I not taken those steps I dont' think we'd be were we are now (a MUCH much better place). I think I remember you saying he didn't feel confortable w your touch, how does he feel about it now?can you start initiating affection?
I think you can still be in charge of your happiness with no money and w/him around, I know it is hard, but you must carve a new brain path in you, right now you are in self-defeating mode, so your thoughts naturally will take a somber tone. You CAN change that, you can teach your brain to stop focusing on what your H doesn't give you and start to find things that make you feel happy until your H finds himself. Life is what you make of it, decide to be happy and to enjoy what R you have with your H.
I have stopped going down the A and ow path and you know what? I never thought I'd won that battle w/my brain, I always thought I'd be thinking of it 24/7, though some passing thought always comes up every day, it is very small, very fleating and devoid of hurt, God won that battle for me. So can you, I know what it is to have a 2yr old, I used to fret about mine way too much. Give yourself time without him.
Go out for a cup of coffe w/a friend, go see a chick-flick w/a female group of friends/family, join a reading club, libraries are full of programs (from hobbies to group discussions) that cost little or nothing. You must have time alone, I have 2 kids, so it is much harder to do things, but I still find time to do a few things every few weeks that are only for me.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have read several of your posts and I wish my M with my W was as positive with your M with your H. My W and I have been separated since June of last year but I still live in the same house but sleep in the spare bedroom. My stich is in the forum "I'm thinking of Leaving." under the thread, "Winning the Control War with Love."
My W hasn't worn her ring since June. I am making changes within myself and feel better about me. You can only control what you do and how you react. Give up the idea of trying to change your H, you will only push him further away.
Our relationships are where they are b/c both spouses have screwed up. My W likes to control me which only would push me further away and I haven't been happy in 8 years or so. We have 2 children, ages 9 and 11 and both have ADHD. My 11 yr old Son has it worse then my D. Everything I did or say, my W would always find fault with it, and consequently, she crushed my self-esteem. Many times I hated her for her behavior and actions. And I do mean extreme hatred. I didn't like the idea of her hitting me, especially in front of our children. She never apologized either for her behavior. If I made an honest mistake, not intentional, but a mistake by telling her to take an exit to the shore, but it was the wrong exit, she would yell, curse, scream and hit me. She hasn't done that in 4 years though since I sternly told her to never touch me again in anger. Then she tells me last November, that I never loved her. She finally apologized to me in January for hitting me when I brought up a R talk with her regarding her hitting me. I thanked her for that.
I resented her trying to change me and not accepting me as I am, and she resented that I took her for granted and I didn't appreciate her. We were both right for thinking the way we did.
She is considering D but as yet to file. I have made much progress in changing myself, especially after a retreat I went to for 2 days in January. Its hard for me to say ILY to her, but I force myself which isn't the way it should be. Even to say that to her is out of my comfort zone b/c I wasn't raised that way. My mom hardly says it at all. However, if I say it more, and focus on her qualities rather then her faults, I believe the love will return. But right now, I am doing all the work and its frustrating so I know how you feel about that.
But take heart, pray and pray often, I definately see a lot of progress in your R and feel it will work. Just back off for now and give your H space. And I know that is hard b/c its very difficult for me too. But I am committed to make this M work, at least for the sake of our children and that is a start. Eventually, I hope that committment will be for the sake of my W too. CY
I was the one who was kissed him, hugged him, cuddle up to him. Had I not taken those steps I dont' think we'd be were we are now (a MUCH much better place). I think I remember you saying he didn't feel confortable w your touch, how does he feel about it now?can you start initiating affection?
You remember right yes. Now H is fine kissing me on the lips (a peck not proper kiss) and cuddles me in bed and he doesn't mind me kissing him say on the shoulder when I'm next to him. I can't initiate anything else though. This morning I tried to kiss H properly as he did briefly kiss me like that the other day. He said it made him feel pressured.
I can see where you're coming from with brain path thing. I have already done something similar myself I think because I no longer think about the W H works with who he texts. It no longer bothers me at all like it did when he first moved back in.
I guess what it really boils down to is that I'm scared of accepting the sitch as it is and being happy and then getting another bomb dropped on me because H can't sort his head out to ML to me. It nearly killed me last time and I don't want to go through it again - I can't. I think that is why I want to know what H's problem is and know it is sortable. H is quite happy to just see how things go and then end it if he can't sort his head out. He says he doesn't want it to end but there is no commitment there. No commitment to do whatever it takes to make it work (ie C or just stepping out of his comfort zone bit by bit).
Also what did you do about saying ILY? I thought we were in a place where I could say it but I said it to H last night and he responded angrilly saying I thought we both loved each other. When I asked what he meant by that he said he felt like I'd only said it to pressure him into saying it back to me!!!! I was really shocked by his response.
Our relationships are where they are b/c both spouses have screwed up.
You're right yes. I know I screwed up big style and it was the main factor in H leaving. However he screwed up to as you so rightly say yet he still cannot acknowledge this. He still sees our separation very matter of factly - not acknowledging that it broke my heart into zillions of pieces and he hasn't picked them all back up yet. His basic take on it is I left because of you so what if it hurt you.
Quote:
Even to say that to her is out of my comfort zone b/c I wasn't raised that way
I think that is wonderful that you try to step out of your comfort zone. You sound very positive in your attitude. Thank you for posting me.
You're welcome. I am not as positive as you said I was. The difference between my W and I is I was able to forgive her (I haven't told her that b/c she would be offended by it and take it that I know she did something wrong) and move on. She has decided not to do that.
She still brings up that I ruined her 40th birthday which I apologized for, and I have apologized more then once. I will not apologize for that again b/c it makes no difference to her anyway. The other problem I have is with her family. I have gotten criticism from them too and my W is ok with that. Apparently, to her, their behavior is acceptable. I have decided not to let them get me angry anymore and have told her that on a CD that a priest gave me, he says "No one can make you angry." So I have decided not to let them to that to me regardless of what they say. I know they don't respect me and I can't change that either. For example, I am a practicing Catholic and my FIL, for over 15 years, HAS to tell me that the Gosples are full of SH_T. The movie that Passion of the Christ is bull shi and so on and so on. I never bring up religion or politics. However, I have said on countless occassions that I do not want to talk about this. I am ignored and they told my wife it was only meant as Locker Room humor. So in their minds and my wife's mind, their behavior is acceptable and I over reacted. Did I over react? Yes I did. I should have just removed myself from their prescence but they should also understand to drop it when I have asked them in a polite way. And this has gone on for over 15 years.
The other issue regarding my faith was my FIL and BIL insisted that I read the DaVince Code which I found offensive b/c how it portrays Jesus. The two of them would tell me I should (that I didn't really like, I should) have an open mind. Since the book came out, then the movie, I have stated that I don't want to talk about his, no comment, change the subject please, you get the idea and then I finally exploded. Then they tell my wife that this was also Locker Room humor. One could clearly see, that the more they did this to me, (even my brother noticed it), the angrier I became. That blow up came this past June so that added fuel to our already unhappy R with my W. Then BIL makes a mountain out of a mole hill because after 10 minutes of him busting my chops, I finally said I can make this personal too, and if I do, its going to get ugly and I will be happy to oblige you. So he runs to his wife (my Wife's sister) and says I hurt his feelings and ruined his day. He also adds, he was really concerned that I was going to get back at him by also getting back at his wife and his 2 children (ages 2 and 4). That never even occured to me to do that nor would I.
Am I angry at them anymore? No because that would be giving them too much power over me. Clearly, we have nothing in common so regardless if my M survives, I need to keep my distance as much as possible and visit them if I have to (i.e. birthdays for their children and Christmas). Ignore everything they say because its not worth it and they are not worth me getting so angry to begin with.
Also what did you do about saying ILY? I thought we were in a place where I could say it but I said it to H last night and he responded angrilly saying I thought we both loved each other. When I asked what he meant by that he said he felt like I'd only said it to pressure him into saying it back to me!!!! I was really shocked by his response.
Wow, that's pretty close to what my H said to me the other day when I asked him why he won't say ILY to me, he said "but you know I do" aaaack!!! Then again, it goes back to men are from mars, women are from venus, women need constant reasurance and compliments. For men, it is harder to talk about their emotions, so prob your H assumes you "must" know he loves you since he is home and he is trying. My H still doesn't say ILY even when I ask him, he tells me it feels forced when I ask him so I try not to say anything. So now and then, I do say ILY, he smiles and says something nice back, but not ILY. SIGH, i'm giving this a few more months I guess.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Saying ILY to our spouses for me is a learned behavior. I never heard my mom or dad say that to each other growing up and mom never says it to her 5 kids.
Dad will tell my mom he loves her but my mom never says it back to him. She has had a frustrated and bitter life so I know where she is coming from. A few weeks ago I questioned my mom and told her that it hurt when I say it to her but she doesn't say it back.
I tell my 2 children all the time. In fact, when I put them to bed, I pary aloud so they can hear me ask God to increase my Love for them each and every day. That is what I missed growing up and I don't want to do that to them. I still have a difficult time saying that to my W but I am forcing myself to. I don't say it to her everyday because I don't want to pressure her. But I do say it.
I was brought up that as a boy, I shouldn't be so sensitive, boys don't cry, etc. Which of course is a load of crap. However, I have a choice to say it or not say it. That is tough for me to do but I know if I do it, it will be right in the eyes of God. The more I say it, then the more I will believe it. CY
I love what Cat03 said to you here: ------------------------------------------------------ I think you can still be in charge of your happiness with no money and w/him around, I know it is hard, but you must carve a new brain path in you, right now you are in self-defeating mode, so your thoughts naturally will take a somber tone. You CAN change that, you can teach your brain to stop focusing on what your H doesn't give you and start to find things that make you feel happy until your H finds himself. Life is what you make of it, decide to be happy and to enjoy what R you have with your H. ------------------------------------------------------
Can you see if you can either buy or borrow the movie, The Secret? It really talks about our thoughts creating our own reality. You told me not so long ago that you have met 9 out of 10 goals that you set for your M. And now you're contemplating D just because of not having met 1 goal!!!
Remember the weight-loss analogy. Because you are finding the last 10 lbs to lose difficult, you want to go ahead and put back the 80 lbs that you lost already???
Please make it a habit to make your gratitude list here everyday. Write at least 5 to 10 things everyday. Take AllenB's lead.
When you asked your H about ML, he basically told you that he didn't want to rush into it as he didn't want to ruin a perfect thing. He's afraid and it's a legitimate concern. Specially, since only 9 or 10 weeks ago, he wanted a D. Also, things haven't been this good in the M in a LONG TIME, right? So put yourself in HIS SHOES. The guy is afraid.
There's a new book called, "Hooking Up or Holding Out", I went to a reading of the same recently. Holding out was the preferred way to go. When Jen Aniston started dating Brad Pitt (I know, not the best analogy), she made him wait for 9 months to have $ex! So, no $ex is not necessarily a bad thing when you're (re)buildng a R.
I know that money is an issue for you and yes, your H is still in the house. But that's all the MORE reason for you to find a life. I know that little children take up a lot of time. But try to make a friend, join a mother's group or something. I know that you are placing the blame for your unhappiness on ML, but I think that you're placing this huge emphasis on it because you don't have a life outside your S. Can your H watch your S will you go take a run or walk around the block? OR go to the library or the YMCA? I have a friend with 2 little ones and she is on a tight, tight budget, only one person working in their household, so she takes opportunities at the library and the YMCA. It gets her out of the house and she meets new friends and new people.
Also, I don't understand how not having H in the house would make you get a life as that would make you a single mother. Single parents have it harder than married! Trust me on this one, friend. Poor JG, he can barely run out the door to buy eggs and milk for breakfast sometimes...S5 goes everywhere with him!
Life is a decision in the end. You are not living to your full potential and it is making you unhappy. My mother did this all her life and it has made her resentful and bitter her and lonely and miserable. She always made excuses that since she had kids she couldn't do anything. I know, it was hard, plus my sister was sickly growing up, but she just never made an effort and laid all her unfulfilled dreams on me. As her child, it just made me feel angry and upset with her as she wants to live through me.
Carl Jung said that the worse thing we can do for our children is pass on our unlived lives to them. By not living up to your potential, you are squashing your dreams and your own self-realization and no matter how much ML you get from H eventually, you may still find yourself unhappy. As I did not so long ago myself. So, please don't be offended. I'm speaking from experience here.
I like myself better now even if I'm just reading a book and challenging my mind doing that. I love chatting with my friends and pushing myself to make new friends!!
I'm concerned that you don't have a single GF to connect with. Work on that pronto!
I'm sorry that you feel so sad and are crying so much. You feel that you've given so much for so long to your M and that you haven't gotten anything in return. But really examine where all that crying and deep unhappiness is coming from. Something tells me it's not all because of the ML thing. That's my gut feeling. Maybe you're putting so much emphasis on the ML as you feel so isolated without friends and as if this M had BETTER BE PERFECT as there is nothing else in your life?? Just a thought.
Wake up tomorrow and decide in the first 5 minutes that you are going to MAKE IT A HAPPY DAY! Not "have" a happy day, but "make" a happy day. Report back how that goes...
Also, you didn't answer about the spiritual practice part. If you are not a believer, you can still meditate on love and visualizing all the good things you want to happen in your life.
Go back and re read my post on your thread regarding positive affirmations!
love and hugs....Time to wipe your tears and get down to business. The business of living YOUR LIFE!
rainbowlove -------------------------- JG is coming back to me and we're going to have a family. Positive thinking!
I am not familiar with your stich, but you certainly provided a lot of wisdom for Inpain and actually, me too. So thank you. Heck, my W and I hadn't ML since June but I know we are not at a place right now to even consider that. I won't even consider that.
My W told me in January when I initiated a R talk that she doesn't think of me in a Romantic Way at all. I don't remember me making a reply to this comment but I did ask her to consider what D will mean to our 2 chilren who have issues already with ADHD. I did ask her if she would read the books on DB that I did, but she doesn't want to because she is not at a place to reconcile our M.
If I was in Inpain's position right now, I would feel a lot better that my M is on the way to be saved. I've been DB since October even though I sleep in the spare room (her choice) right now. I'm not even ready to share a bed with her because of her coldness towards me. She has threanted to file for D but still hasn't. She mentioned D since June.
Her dad, who is from divorced parents has suggested this to my W. Her dad is not bright IMHO and I know D will be hard on everybody in my family, especially the kids. I told my wife that to Love someone is a choice, not a feeling and she said she knew this. CY
