My forum is "I'm thinking of Leaving" under the thread "Winning the Control War with Love." There are a few other threads with the same name, so just click on the current one.
Hey, IP, I understand how you feel getting discouraged. My H and I do ML, but it's what goes on outside the BR that has me discouraged, and I have to vent here or I would go nuts. I know you don't really mean that you would give up becuase of this. Your H does need time, give him this gift, as I have to give my H time to see I have changed, and won't hurt him if he starts showing me his caring side again. Are you still going to your mommy and me groups? Maybe the other M's can suggest stuff to do, or maybe you can get together with some of them for activities outside of the group.
You're right it would be letting W's family have too much power over you if you were angry about the way the treat you. Its that old saying I suppose that just because you love your W/H it doesn't mean you will love or even get on with their family. It sounds an awful lot to deal with but I think you handle it correctly by not reacting.
Wow, that's pretty close to what my H said to me the other day when I asked him why he won't say ILY to me, he said "but you know I do" aaaack!!!
It is so spooky how they all say the same things isn't it??? It's like they have all been brainwashed.
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Then again, it goes back to men are from mars, women are from venus, women need constant reasurance and compliments. For men, it is harder to talk about their emotions, so prob your H assumes you "must" know he loves you since he is home and he is trying.
Haven't actually read the book but know the general idea from talking to others who have. The thing is with my H though yes he doesn't like talking about his emotions but he was always saying ILY before. He would say it before hanging up the phone, and even the smallest note that he left eg: what time he'd be home would have ILY on the end of it. So not hearing it from him anymore makes me think something is still seriously wrong. I don't understand why they have such a problem with it once they've been a WAS? Is it because they don't really love us anymore and we've somehow forced them back to us? I really do wonder.
I haven't heard of the movie "the secret" but I'll look into it.
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You told me not so long ago that you have met 9 out of 10 goals that you set for your M. And now you're contemplating D just because of not having met 1 goal!!!
I dont think it is so much because of not having met the 1 remaining goal I think it is more because I'm so scared of it going wrong again and being even more hurt that I just want to save myself the pain in some way. I don't know I can't really explain it.
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When you asked your H about ML, he basically told you that he didn't want to rush into it as he didn't want to ruin a perfect thing. He's afraid and it's a legitimate concern. Specially, since only 9 or 10 weeks ago, he wanted a D. Also, things haven't been this good in the M in a LONG TIME, right? So put yourself in HIS SHOES. The guy is afraid.
I kind of get what you mean but don't see what he has to be afraid of. To me it is him that is making it possibly go wrong again by not sorting out this problem in his head about ML. Maybe there are things he isn't telling me about what is in his head.
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Also, I don't understand how not having H in the house would make you get a life as that would make you a single mother. Single parents have it harder than married! Trust me on this one, friend. Poor JG, he can barely run out the door to buy eggs and milk for breakfast sometimes...S5 goes everywhere with him!
Oh believe me I know!! I looked after S single handed for the whole 4 months we were separated. You can't even go to the loo on your own! What I meant by that was that when H wasn't there it forced me to do more on my own because I had no choice whereas know I have H to consider in things and am (happily) spending more time doing things with H which leaves less time for me.
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So, please don't be offended. I'm speaking from experience here
I'm not offended by anything you say Rainbowlove - I'm grateful you try to help so much.
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I'm concerned that you don't have a single GF to connect with. Work on that pronto!
I know, it has been a problem all my life. I always seemed to prefer to do things on my own and have always struggled to make friends. (ugh I can nearly hear violins - it sounds so pathetic!)
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Maybe you're putting so much emphasis on the ML as you feel so isolated without friends and as if this M had BETTER BE PERFECT as there is nothing else in your life?? Just a thought
I can see why you would think that and it is a valid point. However I feel that this M had BETTER BE PERFECT because I know H is the love of my life and I don't want to not have him in it and I also don't want my little S to have to go through it again.
An update -
Yesterday I tried my very hardest not to mention the issue to H or ask any questions and I mostly managed. H thanked me for trying so hard before we went to bed and said that we have been together a long time and he doesn't want it not to work and he hasn't come back for it to fail and that he just needs more time. He said he knows I feel I've given him loads of time already but he needs some more because he wants to get it right and doesn't want either of us to end up where we were before. That's good right??
I know you don't really mean that you would give up becuase of this.
No I don't think I mean it - I definitely wouldn't be brave enough to but I do contemplate it a lot at the moment.
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Your H does need time, give him this gift, as I have to give my H time to see I have changed, and won't hurt him if he starts showing me his caring side again.
How are you finding the strength to keep on giving time? It is so hard and yet you seem so focused.
Yes I do still go to my parent and toddler groups but all the other Mums seem to be even more trapped at home than me.
And I understand about not making friends very easily, neither do I. I know lots of peopole who I am friendly with and when we see each other, we talk, but I don't have any close friends, so I guess the violins are playing for me, too.
I am not so sure it's strength I have, but the other day out of the blue, our S said he admires me for not giving up, and not throwing H out and D him, because that's what he deserves. I told S I wanted him to see that I am doing all I can, and that his mother is not a quitter. I know you are not a quitter, either, just needing to rant and rave a little here.
Excellent what your H said. Inpain, hang in there, this is hard. And remember, men take much longer to heal than women... JG is still healing it seems and I've been mostly healed since the first 3 months we broke up. It's taking him much, much longer...
Men aren't as connected to their feelings as us. Yes, do read the Men are from Mars book. It's a great read.
Ok, what I was really trying to get you to work on was POSITIVE THINKING! You can create you own reality by focusing on the positive. That's why the gf's, GAL type things are necessary. They sort of help to let off the pressure from the M. H and you have room to breathe then.
THINK POSITIVE! Your SL was good before, it will take time, but it will get there again. It's only natural. Don't be afraid. Squash that fear by making your gratitude list everyday before you go to bed and when you wake up. Do it on the boards or write it down in your journal.
Positivity attracts positivity...that's the law, my friend. H is doing enough of dwellin on the "what ifs", so it's even more important that you focus on the positives.
And make a decision that Yes, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A MARRIAGE THAT WILL LAST 40-50 YEARS! YOUR SON WILL GROW UP IN A WHOLE FAMILY! YOU MAY HAVE ANOTHER BABY SOMEDAY...WITH THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, YOUR H. Just make up your mind that this is what you want and visualize it happening everyday when you have a spare moment. Or set aside some time for yourself to do this. Also, go to your local library and check out some books or tapes on meditation. See which works for you. This is a gift you can give to yourself.
So positive affirmations and visualizations. Keep looking at your wedding pictures or happy pictures of the family and focus on that.... Then see it become real. Dreams do come true... Speaking from experience.
Sending you loads of love and positive thoughts. You are doing great Inpain. You've DBed successfully. You're a hero to us all here. We're counting on you. Do it for us if not for you! So happy that you were able to not get into ML convo with H and that he acknowledged. You guys are so meant to be...I can feel it. There is enormous amounts of love there dear....
((((hugs))))
rainbowlove ---------------------- JG is coming back to me sooner than I think and we're going to have a family. Positive thinking!
Thanks for giving your opinion on what H said I'm so down at the moment I need other people to make me see what is there.
I'm the same as you on the friends thing. I'm friendly with people I know like at mother and toddler group etc but don't have any close friends.
Your S says such lovely things to you. It is nice he notices what you are doing to save your family and your M. You are sure teaching him some great life skills.
You're right I am not a quiter I think I've just lost my way a bit at the moment - this DBg stuff takes it out of you after all this time!
