Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Still in the fight

Hey;
That has got to be hard, and now this on top of everything. I agree we worry too much, I sometimes think it is a self-fulfilling prophesy, if we are worried about S and how much they love us, or if they would leave.

It would seem that detachment and GAL are the opposite of that, I choose not to worry about those things, they will be what they will be.

To that end, what I have done to get a life; went out last night without W, listened to some great music but otherwise had a terrible time. I seem so lost w/out her, but reported in the positive when she asked(and I was able to "sell" it). Although I did point out that the band was asking where she was because they were hoping we would get the dancing started.

180- We have always said our girls needed to wait until they were 16 to get their ears pierced. Both D14 and 11 have been talking about it recently. I talked to my W about it and said "16 really is pretty arbitrary, Ds have obviously thought about it, and I though it would be OK, what do you think?"

I have always been the one to be the hardass, no ears pierced, little make-up,etc. W has also complained that I don't talk to her about things agreeing to them, so we will see. Initial response was very positive.

I am slowley getting to the place where I feel less and less about what W says and does, I am detaching, but at the same time I am moving away from her. Each little chip that falls away moves me one step closer to just being done.

Ok 8 - here's the deal

Why do we need the validation so much from them? Is it because we love them "too" much, or is it because we care "too" much, or is it because we are weak and just don't think we can survive without them (which I don't think - but I really wouldn't like to have to do it either)

It's like we can't be who we are - we have gone so far out of being ourselves it's like we can't function without them - it's horrible and I hate it

I think that if GAL works, it is for that very reason. When we stop being dependent on them for our identity and happiness, then they start to see a "new" us, and I guess that new person is somehow attractive to them. Presents possibilities that wern't there before.(they had always been there, WAS just couldn't/can't see them.)

I know what you are saying though, I wen't out and spent most of the night just listening to music. I talked to the guys in the band some, but limited interaction with anybody else, just don't feel comfortable.

8, you are absolutely correct! GAL is a life saver and it's a way to build confidence and self esteem. When the person you have dedicated yourself to building a life with rips your heart out like this the old self esteem takes a beating. Why? Because these are the people we felt most secure with, thought we were loved by, who vowed to be with us forever and they betrayed us! That's a pretty deep wound. You wonder "if this person thinks I'm unworthy, than why would anyone else want me around?" We begin to operate from fear, the fear of not being enough for others. Our view of ourselves becomes scewed until we start to take action thus GAL and DB! I have been able to exist in the Hell I have for at least two years because of what I have gained from DB, it's as much for us as for our M's, that is the beauty of it. Even if it doesn't work, you are a healthier and happier human being who CAN carry on. I've seen those who have allowed themselves to be swallowed up by this monster and it ain't pretty! That's not gonna be me no matter what way my sitch goes. Now, I think we need to look at areas in our lives where we are competent and operate confidently that don't involve our S's. What is different in those situations. Can we repeat any of those things in other areas in our lives? I'm sure we're all competent in our jobs, socialize well at work, handle our stress better. How do we make that happen? Again, can we repeat it elsewhere. We need to look to our strengths not fixate on our weaknesses. Just my 2 cents.

Whatis;
It is indeed a "pretty deep wound". The larger problem is that the knife is still twisting. A quick sharp wound begins attempts at repair immediately, and when left alone will heal. When the knife is an A with OP, the wound makes no progress at repair, just continues to remain open.

I have come to the conclusion that everything else I do is just covering the wound while the knife remains.

More positive imagery would be DB and GAL are like antibiotics and blood transfusions until the knife can be removed, but either way, significant healing can not occur while the offending knife remains.

I commend you on your ability to stand in the face of all this. I agree that things are easier at work because work has not changed. The tasks and proceedures are the same, the expectations are the same. Our marriages have become "shifting sand".

For my sit, it wasn't until I was "done" when the stbx started showing interest. Of course she's confused, wants her cake and eat it to, but I won't give it to her. She's angry about this at times, but I stand my ground. There can't be reconciliation with OM in the picture, it's a huge distraction.

You have to continue to with GAL and detaching until you "break" her or until your M is over. One way or the other, you have to do it for your own peace of mind.

ATGO;
Thanks for checking in, I agree, there can be no hope of reconciliation w/ OM in the picture. The problem is that the conventional wisdom is that chances are better if W stays at home, but situation w/ OM is moving ever closer to ultimatum of him or me, and if it is him, then get the h#ll out.

I thought I knew this woman, obviously I didn't.

I have told her what I think of her choices, I have told her that I neither condone nor respect what she is doing, but that I am trying to understand it and support it because it is her choice to make.

I am starting to listen to those who say "she is just using you", or "you are just a doormat", or "she won't respect you until you stand up to her about this A".

I had a friend approach me tonight, and want to talk. He said he could tell what was going on and just wanted me to know that he had been through it and was there to talk. His was awhile ago and he has married, but started out very pessimstic. He told me he understood the pain, and that even thought it changes over time, it never goes away, and that even though he was happy with his wife and current marriage it wasn't the same as before.

I think it was an opportunity for me to help him proactively. I told him that what he was describing to me was no longer acceptable to me. He has been given the opportunity and the tools to make his M incredible, he just needed to be willing to work at it. I told him about all the times I had identified where I could have had a lasting positive impact on my marriage that is now crumbling and didn't do what I needed to do.

I told him that marriage is just too difficult and complex to ever think that it can be self-sustaining. We all think that marriage is subject to the laws of nature, and that it will some how develope a momentum that will propel it forward. Maybe it is subject to those laws, and chaos therory is at work, I don't know, except to say not working at it results in dissatisfaction.

If something is to remain in good working order, whether it be your car, a house, or your R/M, it needs maintenance, it doesn't maintain itself.

However 8, I see where you are coming from and if you don't have that "maintenance" coming from her side, there is no hope (at least that is the way I would feel). I finally gave my H the ultimatum - there was no ands, ifs or buts, it was her or me, make your choice. I was lucky (I guess) and he chose me. He said there was never a question or doubt in his mind that he would never leave me (my sitch is a little different in that the OW was an escort - but this is the second time he has done this - a long story nonetheless) however, I wasn't about to stand by while someone else had the better part of my H.

We are now on a very, very long road to recovery and don't know from one day to the next if we will survive it but we are giving it our best shot (or at least I am - can't say the same for H because I am not in his mind but he does seem to be trying)

There comes a time with each and every one of us when we have to decide whether to pull the plug or not - no one can make that decision for us

Hey;
I think the plug is going to get pulled towards the end of next month. W has work trip planned that will bring her into the realm of the OM. I have been thinking for awhile that if there has been no movement whatsoever on her part by that time, then it will be time for her to choose.

My ultimatum will be choose to stay and work on our M, or choose to leave, but then you must leave.

It is not healthy for the children or either one of us to continue this way. If her choice is to pursue relationship w/ OM then do it on your own time and your own dime.

As I have said before, she does not have physical contact w/ him d.t. him being out of state, so it has to be work or fantasy island vacation for them to get together.

I have no interest in pushing for divorce, but with no help at all from her, I don't think I can maintain the current situation much longer.

I don't blame you. I know I couldn't live in limbo like that forever either. I know I give our R one day at a time right now but there will come a time I will have to look at it seriously and say "ok, are we moving forward with this and, if not, I need to pull the plug". Right now its still a little early in the game I figure. And for the most part (although the black days do seem to override the sunny ones) I think we are moving in the right direction

But I will not live like this forever, life is to short to be miserable - I want to be in a relationship where two people love and care about each other, they want to be with each other more than anyone else. That doesn't mean its the only person they want to be with, it just means that one person in their life means more to them than anyone else. I don't think that is living in a fantasy land - I think its quite obtainable. But if that effort is not coming from both sides and if one wants to have their cake, icing and sprinkles while the other one gets the leftover crumbs, it ain't gonna work my friend.