Thanks Haphazard, Corri, NOPkins, 2nd Chance, Lilliperl, hairdog and all others - you have been providing me such amazing guidance, insight, and caring, that I know I can continue the good fight!
I have a 2nd night of restful sleep, I rode an exercise bike and worked out at the gym, and best of all, my artist rep for digital work told me a little while ago that he has a couple of job leads he is going to recommend me for!
So I am much more optimistic about GALing soon.
Right now though, I am in the very strange world, where my wife and I can more ofthen than not, converse, communicate and get along as though everything is fine, but right nearby, there is the 2000 pound elephant in the room that neither of us seems to mention to the other.
I still have so many questions I want to ask her, but I hesitate to do that because I know I will see her face transform slightly into this stranger that showed up a few weeks ago - a beatiful woman who is making herself more attractive by the day, but not for me. A woman who can smile one minute and then accuse me with a scowl of being controlling when I ask a simple question like: "Did you see B. on Dec. 18 when you were at that conference with your Tufts colleagues?" I am starting to suspect that that conference was highly fictonal, but I need to check more facts.
What I find most astounding is that she still has not offered a single semblance of an apology, despite knowing how it has impacted me in the recent days. She hasn't even tried to explain this as a big misunderstanding on my part.
Unfortunately, I am going to have to take leave from my computer again, without writing at length, because I agreed to meet my W at the bank where we used to have joint accounts. I shifted 50% of our account funds to a secure account of my own two days ago, Today we need to finalize the halving of the $$. She was simmering last night about the fact that electronic banking web page listed my name and not hers at the top, but that is simply because I took the initiative to set it up two years ago. I think she was actually breathing a sigh of relief that I took the high road by being equitable with the transfers and then informing her the night we saw our C about what I did with the funds.
I'll post again tomorrow. ciao.
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Quietly gather your facts. Important questions; Does the other man have a wife? If not, do you know where he works. How does the college view affairs. What kind of relationship do you have with your wife's parents?
I am not talking about driving yourself crazy here, just getting the basic facts down so that it is no longer an issue. Besides all that, there are certain things you can do with the facts, but that is for later.
Never let rule number one from my first post far from your thoughts.
Don't expect an apology. She is not sorry, and currently has little to no remorse for her actions. She, in fact, feels entitled to her actions (see my tag lines).
Good job on the finances. At least she knows that you are serious and will not go down quietly. That is a manly action. She noticed.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Don't disappear from the R in an attempt to be "nice" and give her lots of room. It's okay to act like you care what happens to the relationship. In fact, it's really important that you be present and visible, kwim?
Hi everyone,
I've gotten so much good advice, I've been trying to re-read my entire thread again.
Lillieperl, or anyone else, could you talk more about the idea expressed above? (BTW what does KWIM mean? I don't see it on the abbreviations lists.)
The last two days, I have been trying to act calm and friendly with W when we have been dealing at the banks getting accounts straightened out. My W seemed appreciative of that. We have shared a couple of dinners where I have communicated my desire to work on the relationship (without sounding too needy or clingy - I think)
In the past 24 hours, I have taken some steps to GAL. Last night I told W that I was going to go see the film: "Babel" on my own, so I "could experience some new images and storylines". Today I bought a new Claiborne shirt for my job interview in Boston tomorrow. I will be away for almost the entire day Saturday, and she will be going down to visit with her brother, SIL, and our nephew.
What I am struggling with, is part of me feels like I will make the most changes in my life if she moves out for awhile. But some of the DB advice indicates that if she stays, she's more likely to notice changes I make, and I don't want a separation which would enable her affair to blossom more easily.
Since we will both be in town tonight, should I again try to find something that I do on my own? There's a candlepin bowling alley across the street I've never tried in 2 1/2 years of living here. My logical brain lobe is saying that if I go out alone again, she will feel I don't care about how she is feeling, or it will give her a chance to e-mail or call OM
I have really begun to realize how blind I have been to the image I have been projecting of myself, to my wife. I know this is the most important thing I need to be improving and working on now.
In the MC session last week, our C summarized at the end of the 90+ minutes, that she thought my asking W to end communications with her "friend" was very appropriate, but she suggested in exchange my wife might expect me to stop all snooping and controlling behaviors. Neither of us committed to this proposal that night I was a little peeved that the C proposed this, instead of letting my wife come up with a position on her own. Of course, even if my wife verbally agrees to end contact with OM, I do not trust that she will. Even if a letter and e-mail and phone call are made, I get the feeling it is very likely she will continue the relationship.
So, my other question is: Do I agree to the proposal, to stop snooping just to get W to "offically" agree to end her relationship? I do know the snooping is causing me anxiety and draining energy, so it probably would do me good.
Please be the breeze to set Lord Grenville's ship on course again...
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Quote: ----------------------------------------------------- So, my other question is: Do I agree to the proposal, to stop snooping just to get W to "offically" agree to end her relationship? I do know the snooping is causing me anxiety and draining energy, so it probably would do me good. -----------------------------------------------------
Since your wife was the first to betray, she can go first on proving that the infidelity has ended. The burden of proof is on her. She must NEVER contact other man again. You snoop long enough to verify that she is keeping her word, and anytime after when you suspect that she has broken her word.
Right now, she will agree to anything to get you to stop snooping in order to continue her affair unrestrained. Don't be a chump. Remember rule number one.
I hope that you have also availed yourself of the materials I brought to your attention. There is much wisdom to be gleaned.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Marc, I can tell you that in my situation, our MC was very much against separation, even though both of us felt we could use some alone time. He felt that spearation leads to divorce.
The bowling idea is something new, different and fun. I have no idea what candlelit bowling is,lol...sounds romantic, though. Maybe you could make plans to go, invite her along, and still go if she says no.
As far as the snooping goes, you do need to be on your guard, but if it's making you drained, detach from it awhile. Just don't turn a blind eye. Let's see what she plans to do to give you reassurance.
I think the C is right. I think the quid pro quo that worked for my H and I was that if I trusted him he would be trustworthy. This was never explicitly stated. He dumped the OW and said he was sorry. I said I forgave him. Never another word about it, never another jot of suspicion from me. He said it was over and I believed him.
Agree to the proposal - not to get her to do anything - but because it is the right thing to do. It was not wrong to snoop in the first place, but now it is out on the table it is wrong to continue.
Snooping and controlling is likely to make her feel claustrophobic, that is not the way you want her to feel.
Give her enough rope. She will come to realise on her own that your behaviour is on the moral high ground and hers is not. She will feel uncomfortable and guilty in that position.
If you do not trust her she will feel it, which gives her ammunition to continue the behaviour.
I am just in the middle of writing something else which I intend to post on hairdog's thread, what I say there appears to contradict this. But I think that is because your R is in a different place. She already has a foot out the door.
If you feel like going bowling go bowling. Behave as you would with a friend or roommate. Don't worry about what the logical part of your brain tells you. Who gives a stuff whether she feels like you don't care or whether she takes the opportunity to email OM. That's her business. You take care of you.
Have a good weekend, I might as well warn you that the board goes pretty quiet on the weekend. Lil might be around and she's always worth listening too.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I am really glad that you had a good outcome in your situation.
My suggestion that she will remain in the affair is based on statistics. She is highly unlikely to end an emotionally entwined physically involved affair on the first try.
I'm not trying to debate on what worked for you, rather just inform.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
candlepin bowling: google it...its like your more familiar "10-pin" style (big balls with the 3 holes), except the pins are straight and slender, (like a candle), the balls are smaller, (like a boce ball), lanes narrower, and you get 3 bowls per frame instead of 2. MUCH harder than 10-pin. Candlepins have a mind of their own...their behavior is very unpredictable. and they don't clear the fallen pins between shots...this "wood" just sits there in the way, wherever it falls, which could be a great help, or hinderance to your next shot. My understanding is that its only common here in the northeast, (really, "boston area), so most of you have probably never heard of it or seen it. Not that I'm a big bowler by any means, but I never saw a "10-pin" alley until I was an adult...there's just none around here. its all "candlepin".
And speaking of local things...Marc, you give away too much personal info. I pretty much know right where you live. not that its a problem in this case...but who knows who else might be reading.
