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Have to add back to fav's

Thanks O, I can apply most advice to many situations any more. I am not sure there is such a thing as a dead subject anymore, things seem to keep coming back around.

I have been trying to keep up with your threads, sounds like you have had your hands full. How are you holding together?

I am not sure if it would bother me more or less(the neckless) if she didn't still live at home.

All of this aside, last night was a good night, No I didn't have my valentine for the first time in at least 26 years, but got cards and stuff from the kids. Just had good visit with W, that was enough.

There are these moments like last night, where I can really see things working out, then I have to fight like hell to not have ANY expectation of anything.

Yea been pretty sticky in my sitch and will get worse real soon. Too late to turn back now or have doubts about anything...Glad to see you got cards and stuff from the kids. That would have made my day if I could have at least got that. I knew it would never happen so I returned the favor to her. I know two wrongs don't make a right but I am just done with this game. Can not take the pain of hanging on to it anymore. Maybe down the line there can be a future for our family, but right now it is dead. Now it is just time to take care of me and the kids no matter who I hurt in the process.

Glad to see you are doing alright and at least had a decient evening last night...

Take care,
Ben

8,

I think you are doing fine. A sense of humor is amazing in situations like this.

And yes, it's OK to have sexual fantasies about tour wife. You are still alive, my friend. Maybe one day you can tell her, "You know this would all be so much easter if you weren't so damn sexy." And say it with a wicked, mischevious smile on your face. Wink at her and walk out of the room. Apply and release pressure.

I remember when I took my wife to a kick-ass dinner and we were talking about my "changes" that she appreciated and we came up with a metaphor for me -- a fine, aged wine about to be uncorked. I then chimed in that this fine wine (chateaux Lafite 1964) was much better than the Bartles and James wine-cooler she was interesed in. We both laughed our asses off. I've used that metaphor several times. It shows her I can roll with the punches. Yeah he's got her heart, but I know I'm the better man.

IF you think, "How can I stop from losing my wife to this guy?" you will freak about the necklace, you will, in fact, freak about everything. This angry panicked thought is the mental constuct controlling your behavior.

Try looking at it a new way. That man already has your wife's heart. She's wearing his necklace. She's really his. Stop and accept that for a second. Then think about it this way...you are trying to lure her away from him. If you were the OM trying to seduce another man's wife, you wouldn't come on jealous and possesive about the necklace her husband gave her -- that would make you look needy and psychopathic. No...you'd roll with the punches, make youself as interesting and attractive as possible, play hard to get, strategically apply and release pressure. And, since you have nothing to lose, you would act relaxed and patient and very subtle.

That's your job, 8. BE the OM. Take that beautiful blonde away from that asshole who gave her the necklace. What have you got to lose? You don't have her now. Why not start fresh? Have an affair...but have one with your wife.

Be sneaky.

Does that work for you? IF not, discard it. What I like about it is that is puts the control and intiative in your hands. You are no longer reacting to HER story, her affair. Rather, you are unknown, dangerous, exotic quantity. You are the one throwing curveballs, running amok with your carefully calcuated, seductive curveballs.

We know you are solid, godly and faithful.

Now be interesting and surprising.

--theoden

By all means man, take care of your kids and yourself. You lost me at the "no matter who gets hurt" part.

Avoiding causing someone pain is a good thing, no matter how crazy they may be. You don't behave that way for them, rather it is for you. Avoiding causing another person pain is who you choose to be.

That said, if it is a choice between my kids being hurt or someone else, then that someone else better be ready for a world of hurt.

Now I am not saying you should have done anything for CB from the kids, but you sent that TM because it felt right to you in your gut, I know it all hurts more now that you are getting ready to pull the trigger, and it is something you have fought against for so long, but "In the end, I win." She has taken so much from you brother, don't let her take your self-respect as well.

Ultimately we choose to do the right thing because it is what we beleive to be the correct action, and it is who we choose to be.

Hang tough.

That is exactly what I meant. Just did not come out that way. I am just sick of the wife passing the kids around like little rag dolls so she can go do her whoring around. It is funny when I have my kids I give up everything and spend time with them. When she has them she can not wait for a reason to pass them off to her Mother so that she can go and hang with my best friend...

I am not doing anything that would intentionally hurt her but the out come of it will definitly not be pretty for her. I just have to do what I think is in the best interest of me and my kids and I really do not care anymore what everyone else tells me. They can either side with me or just leave me alone. No more harsh feeling towards anyone just standing my ground the best way that I know how.

Sorry if it came across the wrong way.

Back on the same page with you, carry on.

TO;
I really like the way you think. The way you think scares the hell out of me. I read your words and it seems like you are reading my mind, THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO BE DOING!

I need to recapture the heart of my wife, I need to show her the passionate man who she found irresistable all those many years ago, the man she turned down other guys for, the man she longed for, the man she couldn't picture herself without.

In the addmition of that fact is the recognition that she is no longer my wife. The mental construct that you propose forces me to view her as another man's wife, a concept that I am more than a little uncomfortable with. By the same token, as you pointed out I have nothing left to lose.

I know we all feel this way, but I have little or no idea of who I am apart from her. We have been together since I was 17 years old. I have grown up with her, and fully expect to grow old with her as well. In the 27 years that I have known her, there has only been 1 year that we were not a couple.

That brings up a good point, that one year we were not a couple, we were simply friends. I was too "young" for her as she was dating an older guy at the time. We worked together, and from time to time would go running. We could talk about anything because neither of us had anything to lose. She and her friends would say "If he was just a few years older", They didn't think I had a chance, they didn't think I had any potential, they didn't know me, and in the process they underestimated me.

That is who I need to get back in touch with. I am sure the college guys she was dating said "WTF!, she left me for some little kid". What they didn't know was that I wasn't even trying, I didn't think there was a chance in hell that she would ever look at me as anything other than the little brother she never had.(she really is only 1 year older than me) Sure I would look at her and think "if only..." but then she would ask me over, or make plans to run, or excuses to visit.

I have always taken it for granted that she wanted to be with me, and now that she doesn't want to be with me, I need to become(not act like) the man she wanted to be with.

The problem is I am lo longer the Kid, I am someone who has everything to lose. I am the father of three children who have more than everything to lose, I am the committed husband of a smart, sexy, beautiful, multifaceted woman who is throwing her family away to live a very limited lifespan fantasy.

The battle that rages is between all I have to gain, and all I have to lose.

8,

Yes. I don't think I can snap into "she's really his and not my wife anymore" mental mode that easily either.


I don't think you can turn the clock back. You are both going to be different people in your renewed marriage.

However, it's the stress and fear of losing everything that kills us. It kills me sometimes. I have difficulty figuring out my world without her. But it't time to find something inside you that might surprise you: a guy you really like and find interesting. Because at the heart of it we all wonder: what's wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with us.

It's time to live with passion and delight.

I'm trying. Will you join me? We have everything to gain.

--Thedoen

This is where all the pain comes from. This thought in itself is painful - it's the pain of losing possession of your spouse, of your life, that hurts so bad. To me, someone that never liked the idea of possessing another, this made me realize that I wasn't living up to my ideals. Let go and let live is the only answer.



I think you're right on here Theo - GAL is all about countering the enormous blow to the self esteem of the LBS. It's almost impossible not to take it personally, especially when the WAS is telling us that it IS personal. We need to recognize that there's nothing wrong with us that drove them away. Their choices brought them to where they are today. We can only have so much influence over their choices. If we look at our personal life, focus on that, we can improve on what is already a great thing. We can live happy, fulfilling lives. Something worth sharing.



Who wouldn't want to share this?