Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis So many problems...

IM,

You really have a lot of good things going on here. Honest you do, and right now your thinking gee Jack, really? Cause I think that you just said that getting kicked in the privates over and over is a good thing.

No, it sucks. It hurts...blah blah blah.

She wants you around. Holy Crow! This is good.

All the things she wants to do with you are 'friend' things. OK I am not as wise as people woul dmake me out to be. I do not know everything. That being said man, You got this chance to be her friend, and really be her friend which is the building block for real relationships. Grab it man.

Is it a Test? F yeah it is! Pass it.

OM...loser right? Absolute loser, don't compare yourself to him, you'll go bat crap crazy...trust me. He is more of a loser than your wife thinks she is right now, and she needs that. He is crazier than her...he is a f-ing symptom. Sorry dude it sucks and I am telling you as someone who has been there.

You can draw the line somewhere, set a boundary. Like sleeping with her, say sorry, I know we aren't 'sleeping' together but I am not 'sleeping' with my friend who is sleeping with someone else.

Dude as hard as this is, and man your path is hard. Proximety can suck, but you have an amazing opportunity here.

Do it right, become her friend be there, let her see your self respect as well.

See the OM for exactly what he is a POS, and nothing more than something to make her feel better, she doesn't love him, that simple.

Yeah, I hear you. The proximity can be the worst curse (it leads to wishful thinking) and maybe a hell of a blessing.

But it's been going on for more than 6 months now. The blessings are slow to mature.

See, the OM was born a long time ago, and lives in a galaxy far, far away, so the W hasn't been in much "physical" contact with this joker for at least one or two good reasons. I would not want to see her cellphone bill, and she's also told me of "thousands" of e-mails, but for the most part this has been a long-distance sort of thing.

But a thing nonetheless.

I think that she's used me as a kind of pillow while all this was going on, so I don't think the "friend" thing was developing too fast. She's been too busy trying to handle her own crap to recognize much "friendliness" on my part. Hard to be "friends' with a security blanket.

OK, she DID acknowledge that I:

...am the only one she trusts
...finally am listening to her
...etc.

But that hasn't kept her from chasing after fulfillment with an never-married dude who is just about exactly the age of her dear ol' dad and who complains about how much he is still hurt by his octegenarian parents when he isn't hiding under his bed or something.

See, here's the problem as I see it: She thinks she loves the OM. Maybe she does. People fall for POSs all the time. He makes her feel "safe," "at home," etc.

She knows he's a problem too, so she's held off moving away to be with this cretin. As she's termed it more than once, that would "ruin her life".

So she's in a quandry about the OM.

She's in a quandry about me too. She doesn't want to be married to me. But she doesn't want me out of her life.

It's a four-way draw on her, and it shows. She's in lousy shape emotionally and physically. I've been afraid more than once that she'll end up in the hospital.

So when I go to the gym to lift weights and check out the girls in their yoga pants, I have all this in the back of my mind. Very difficult to feel all warm an fuzzy about my self-improvement and/or enjoyment when the woman I love is going through at least two variations of hell as we speak.

And I know that it still sounds like I'm dodging the issue.

Dodge all you want man. : ) I didn't see it that way.

IM,



Mine said the same thing. "it would not be good (to be with OM for long term)"

She didn't want to be married to me. She did; she didn't.

Mine ended up in hospital with mysterious symptoms unexplained...got better though. Stress or vodoo...dunno

Walking the same/similar path I am a little bit ahead of you. If you can do it, I can say that my W is doing well. I know I am. I can say that it has been worth it. 'We' are doing pretty good now, even though I am tired and still only take each time we are together for what it is, time together for that period of time. I do not look down the road, or plan on it.

jackthreebeans at yahoo dot com anytime you want to talk, ok man?

Well, I don't really get the "want to be married to me" thing. So far, the best I've gotten is the "so afraid to come back to this marriage" talk.

Since this makes me sound like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, I should say that I'm not an entirely horrible human being. But the W does feel very hurt ("damaged" actually) by "living in my shadow" and "losing her sense of who she is."

But right now, she definitely does not want to be married to me.

Of course, she calls me about five times a day, sleeps with me about four days out of the week (at least), eats dinner with me, wants to work out with me, etc. etc. etc.

But not be married.

(For example, she gets very nervous if I seem too amorous ;), although she thinks nothing of undressing in front of me. I feel like some sort of geek "friend" in a teen movie.)

So I'm curious about all this. I'd like to get a handle on how to think about it; even though I'm not going to "trust" any one view all that much, it would be nice to have a sense that what is going on is not just chaotic madness.

Is this really a MLC?

Detaching works better when you are at least somewhat settled in your understanding.

Thanks for the support.

Forgot to ask....

How do you deal with the W seeing a therapist for her problems? I get the sense that at least part of the idea is to get support for getting out of the marriage.

???

Im, you seem to be in a pretty good way with you and your wife, and you seem to be in a pretty good way for well you.

I like what you said about not trusting one view of advice to much. The best thing is to take the pieces of advice from others that fit you and yours.

Don't worry abouting being Jack Nicholson.

Is this an MLC? Read the resources at the top, you have a much better feel and know about her past more than anyone else here, did she have some substaintial problems growing up? Usually a good indication for an MLC later in life.

Give her the space she needs, and I think right now with that much time together in the house, give yourself some space too. Go out by yourself or with friends.

She wants to get out of your shadow and lost her sense of self? ummm...the problem with you brining up ideas to her about this is ... she would be living in your shadow if you suggested going to school or taking classes or persuing a hobby she loves.
By maybe not if you you only offered and didn't follow up or push.

The whole sex thing. Drop it, honest man please take it from me.Become celibate, unless she makes advances, and then be the most caring wonderful guy in the world. Don't even imply anything.

IM, sorry; your married, but you ain't. Your world has changed and will continue to do so. Consider sex a sacrifice right now.

As for the therapist. One of those things thats you simply cannot control. Totally against DBing you could find out if the therapist is pro marriage, but that is about all.

Regardless, she needs to work on her, the therapist isn't going to hurt in that area; and right now you do not know if this is going to be good or bad for your marraige.

Thats down the road.

By the way, be her geeky friend. You don't lose anything, that you haven't lost already.

I've read the MLC stuff above. Some fits (bad childhood, some of her behaviors), some doesn't (I can't recognize definite "stages" because they seem to cycle daily.)

So I'm sort of confused about what exactly she's going through. It ain't pretty, whatever it is. And if I could imagine myself as a young woman, I would shudder down to my pink toenails at even the THOUGHT of breathing the same air as my wife's archaic, pathetic, and generally repulsive OM. (But I digress).

How to DB now?

You know, there is A LOT of time together. She's with me nearly all the time. I would say that I get "I love you" nearly every hour too. Anything I do to "detach" is noticed post haste. I mean, I caught doo-doo for even saying, "you really have to make up your own mind about that," referring to her relationship with OM. It got interpreted as abandonment.

So things are complicated.

(I know, it's very strange. But it was sort of a complaint that I'm not "there for her" no matter what, and it gets mixed up with her anger over her $$$$ situation. I do a lot to support her even now, for example, and if there is any hint of that falling off, I get a whole litany of complaints.)

I've given up on my conjugal rights, by the way. It is not at all what I wanted at this point in my life, I might add. But I've accepted it, and I don't pressure her.

I think I'm doing ok with all this, but I'm hoping that she gets herself well SOON.

SOON is an expectation that will only hurt you. Live for today and tomorrow when it comes to her.

Well the $$$ falling off... ever considere asking her if she plans on not living in your shadow what she is going to do about that?

IM, you are right you do live in a complicated place.

OM talks...bad, no win for you, figure you are realzing that. No win for you right now.

Those stages can rush by fast and furious OR take years to go through.

Complicated doesn't begin to explain it.

As many of the MLC "symptoms" fit, so many do not.

For example:

I suspect that a recent W/OM meeting led to some sort of resolve on her part - don't know what, but she's happy about it.

I don't think she's calling things off with him, either.

Now, all the talk about me "letting her go" makes a lot of sense right now. (Never mind that the line between "letting go" and "abandonment" is nasty-thin.)

Her new therapist thinks she's as adjusted as a swiss watch. Our old MC thought that there were a bunch of things simmering under the surface.

Should I believe that they are all "fixed" all of a sudden?

Or is this some sort of "manic" phase of this nightmare?

In any case, I'm not in the picture, even though I'm a popular guy with her. Because the OM is way of of the way (I suppose), she wants to spend all her time with yours truly.

You know, I can detach all I want, but I have a choice between two different ways of doing it:

I can just back off entirely. Give her her space. GAL w/out her. Be polite, but not all that open. She'll really notice, probably resent it, and no doubt retaliate in kind.

(But this is the MLC strategy, correct?)

Or I can sort of play along, spend all sorts of time with her, listen to her complaints about the marriage, hear nauseating stories about the "cute" behavior of the OM, and validate until my validation organ falls off.

(And this is "you wife left you because her emotional needs weren't met" strategy)

?????

Detachment does not mean you ignore what's up. I'm trying to get my feet steady, but I'm in a quandry about how to respond to all this.

You can always draw the line at the OM.

"Look, I'll be here for you, but I will not talk about OM with you. I respect myself too much to pretend that everything is ok."

The strategies are different for everyone here, sorry to say there is no one size fits all catagory.

No sudden fixes.

Manic phases, yes all over.