The BS only gets better every day! So we are two days away from the move out and last night Valentines night, it all breaks loose. You see my H hadnt told our SS18 (out of state). He was been calling but since my husband cant stand to be home, because he feels all the pain he is causing. Although I am a ray of sunshine and never ask about our R or M. So last night in a huge moment of weakness, I sobbed and cried to a girlfriend on the phone. She hung up and then the phone rang, I thought it was her but it was our S18 and of course he was concerned because I was crying. I told him that Dad wasnt home and he would have to call back. He pressed on but I told him that he had to speak to his father. He immediately called MIL and she (tired of the runaround) told him what was happening. He immediately tried his Dad but of course got his voicemail. Then called me back and we spent an hour crying together and trying to make sense of it all. I do not want him in the middle so I just reassured him that I loved him and our relationship would remain the same. My H finally arrived home and I told him how it was that he (SS18) found out and in a moment clarity he actually accepted responsibility. He knew he should have told him. He spoke to him briefly and told him his reasons. We then had a positive chat about us. I didn't not argue with him, I was just very supportive and told him that while I do not agree with him ending our marriage I understood that he "needs time". I told him that I am taking steps to be a better partner and I hope that he finds what he needs. I told him that we do not need to rush into anything and should just take some time to clear our heads. He asked that I not contact him after Saturday unless it urgent for at least two weeks. He stated, "I just want to be alone with my thoughts and on my own" I smiled politely and placed my hand on his knee and simply said, "Yes, I understand". He left our bedroom and I felt better about everything. I felt some closure and strength. Of course at 6:10 am this morning he was back in my bed cuddling with me. I said nothing and just held him.
My SS18 called me an hour ago and just wanted to touch base with me. I of course, told him that I couldn't change his father and only wish him the best. I assured him that he would not be in the middle of our issues.
Okay so the conversation my H had with our SS18 went like this:
1. She doesn't make me happy anymore 2. I don't love her 3. Had we had a child I would never leave (not having children was a mutual decision) 4. She knew we had problems, it should have been no surprise to her
ALLLLLL BS!!!!
I am livid with him. I feel like he is just making excuses for himself and throwing me under the train.
He cuddles with you. Why? Cause he still loves you. Or at least he still wants you around on his terms.
So...let him move out. Detatch a bit.
Perhaps something like the last resort technique in DR might be appropriate. Read it. Let him want more time with you. Make him curious about you. Become interesting and available less often than he'd like.
You can't be at his beck and call anymore.
"I don't love you. Oh yes, come cuddle with me."
Nope, Ms. OB, you don't play that game anymore.
Start to GAL fast. This will make you feel good about getting u up in the morning. Start to 180.
There was no BS there. Confusion is obvious. He's behaving according to script. He doesn't really want out but in these beginning stages only acknowledges that in rare moments. And even if he doesn't WANT out...he truly believes it is the only way...fixing your marraige is impossible to him.
He was able to tell that to your son. But how could someone who doesn't want to hurt you tell you those things?
MLCers have truths of the moment. They are often unaware they are showing love or sending hopeful clues. Don't let them know...tuck the Hope in your heart and remember it on your own.
This is NOT going to be resolved quickly. He may maintain the No-Contact for two weeks...or not. You need to uphold your end.
And what about an OW? Just because you may not know of one...start suspecting the possibility now. If there isn't one YET...sorry, but there most likely will be. And I am right now concerned he could be moving in with her during those two weeks...or that those two weeks are scheduled for there special uninterrupted time together.
IF you do now want a divorce, are able to forgive and are thus willing to Stand for your marriage...You will need to accept the process of his MLC. That usually means an OW who he will claim he is in love with. He will initially love his freedome. OR initially be scared, run home...and away within a few days or weeks...and then start loving the new freedom.
Please understand, this is nothing against you personally. He's been letting his problems fester, he's been dreaming of this freedom. Of course he will enjoy it...AT FIRST.
So do not expect things to get better for a very long time. And at the same time, expect them to sometimes SEEM to get better...only to cycle to bad again...or worse than before.
The likelihood is that things will get worse...while cycling. He may spew venom...I hate you, You're being vindictive.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Get A Life...and MLCers often become quite curious about what we are doing.
You are handling things well...the talk you had where you said that you understood he needs time and yo9u agreed not to contact him for two weeks...excellent. After those two weeks...let him contact you...keep No-Contact for your part.
So you did well. My concern is your anger and frustrated response to his conversation with your son. It is understandable...which is why I simply want to tell you that it's how things work. It doesn't mean he's lieing...it means he is lost and confused.
You can refuse to except that MLC 'excuse.' I personally do not use it as an excuse. Nothing justifies his behaviour, and he is not legally insane. But that knowledge can help you to maintain control of your emotions and come to this with some understanding.
Read the resources at the top of this forum. Read Midlife Crisis books and read about Male Depression...
There is a stage of MLC called Depression. But in reality, depression permeates ALL of MLC. The Depression stage is usually Overt Depression...the kind everyone recongizes as Depression. Replay, where he is now and will be for a long time, is Covert Depression. Educate yourself on MLC and Depression just so you have some background information to help you understand what is happening...for many understanding helpd to gain strength and control of one's own meotions...realizing this is not about you...and that things may not may sense OFTEN.
Midlife Crisis
Brehony, Kathleen A.Awakening At Midlife.New York: Riverhead Books, 1996.
Conway, Jim Men in Midlife Crisis.
Conway, Sally Your Husband's Midlife Crisis.
O'Connor, Peter Understanding the Mid-Life Crisis.New York: Paulist Press, 1981.
Stein, Murray In Midlife. Putnam CT: Spring Publications, 1983. Depression
Golant, MitchWhat to do when someone you love is depressed.
Hart, Archibald D. Unmasking Male Depression.
Publisher: W Publishing Group, (January 2, 2001).
Real, Terrence. I don't want to talk about it : overcoming the secret legacy of male depression.
Wexler, David B. Is he depressed or what? : what to do when the man you love is irritable, moody, and withdrawn.
Strauss, Claudia JTalking to depression : simple ways to connect when someone in your life is depressed.
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how do I react with my H?
You don't. His talk with your son was not with you. Maybe your son has or will tell him that you know about the conversation. So What. Ignore it...it doesn't exist. If he brings it up...Validate and affirm. REally, validate and affirm should be your mantra for a while now. It is not about agreeing with him...it is about recongizing that right or wrong this is how he feels...so he blames you..."I"m sorry you feel that way." NOT "I wish you didn't feel that way." MLC is about being selfish...he doesn't care what you wish.
I too ask why cuddle???????????????????? My H can not stand it when I want to cuddle?? Yet at times he wants to ML and it makes me wonder is it sympathy or guilt ML b/c then he will go out (not that often anymore) that evening and stay ou all nite!! Does he think if he ML to me first it's like I give him permissision?
You`re H is following the script of the MLC lingo to a tee. We have all heard the same song & dance.
Respect his wishes to be alone to think, this will also give you time to do the same. I get the impression that your H is still home. If he is, try to keep him there, it`s so much easier to save your M that way.
He is making excuses, there can`t be anything wrong with him, it`s all you. Do not believe it. He has to go through this process to discover that he has the problem, not you.
Keep coming here, you will find strength & know it`s not you. It`s a long process, keep patience, give him space, now that it`s out in the open, things will change.
Yes you can but first let me get a good one in. I plan on not calling him at all. It's time he wants, so take it all of it. I will cry and miss him and write in my journal every time I feel that I need him.
I wish pushing him away was easy but once agian this morning he was in my bed at 5am. He wanted some S contact but no intercourse. I gave in and then felt terrible. He leaves tomorrow and I need him to go. This yoyo is killing me.
I am starting to GAL, tonight I will not be home. Not sure what I'm doing but I refuse to sit and wait for him!!!
I needed to know that there is a real good chance that it is an MLC. I wasn't sure. I am hoing to read all the books and educate myself. Those MLC's sure know how to place blame on us!!!
Do educate yourself about MLC. My H & most having a MLC behave the same. I wouldn`t have believed it if I didn`t experience it firsthand.
Take care of yourself first. If you don`t feel comfortable in bed with him, wait until you do feel it. Some believe that is our H`s way of staying close to us. Sometimes it`s the only bond we share.
Set some boundaries for yourself & do only what you`re comfortable with.
I like your plan of being out when he gets home. Let him wonder about where you are.
