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inpain #977023 03/16/07 03:59 PM
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Yes, H is still going out quite alot and is away with work alot at the moment. We never talk about R, I can't do it because last time i did he just told me lots of stuff that i didn't want to hear - like his feelings haven't changed and he still doesn't love me or even fancy me! This was about 2 months ago.

I sent him a text the other day to say that he makes me really happy and his reply was "that i make him really happy too and that he is really enjoying life at the moment and that we are becoming a proper little family". This was brilliant to hear but i am so scared to ask him if he has started to have any loving feelings towards me in case he says no.

We are no further forward with the affection side of things. He gives me a hug now and again and kisses the top of my head but he is always the one to break away first. I did say to him that i am never sure if i should go up to him and give him hugs (i always let him initiate it) and he said i can give him a hug whenever i want.

I try to look my best all the time when he is home and make sure that he catches me in my undies from time to time - i just hope he likes what he sees. I am back to the size i was when we first met so hopefully i don't look too bad!!

My friends think he has had plenty of time and that i should just tell him that i want a "proper H and Wife R". They say it is not setting a good example to the children by being in separate rooms. I don't think i should handle it that way, i think it's probably best just to sit back and be patient - what do you think. It really hurts to think that he doesn't even fancy me!

Unloved #978567 03/18/07 12:05 AM
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Hi UL

I wish I could offer some fantastic words of wisdom to help here but I'm still struggling with this myself only not to the degree you are. We have made some progress on the intimacy side but like you it is all initiated by H although he has said I can kiss or hug him if I want it just doesn't feel natural being told what I am allowed and not allowed to do so I don't do any of it. I completely wait for him. I did broach the subject with H initially though during a conversation about the R that he started. I just said that I was happy with how things were going but would feel more secure if we had a normal H and W relationship. He then opened up a little and explained he needed to take things really slow and that it wasn't about fancying me. We now sleep in same bed and kiss and cuddle. That's after 2 months of sleeping in same bed. It seems this whole thing is just snails pace I'm afraid.

I can't remember how old your eldest is but think he was about same age as mine (2) and if so I don't think you sleeping in separate rooms will be an issue for him at the moment. Mine hasn't even really noticed that H left and came back because he saw him quite often still.

I know it hurts so much thinking they don't fancy you. We have had a major bust up today about the same thing. If it were me in your shoes I would bring the subject up again since it has been 2 months since you did but I don't want to advise you to do something and it cause a setback. His text reply that you make him really happy sounds like a really positive thing to me and maybe he is feeling more relaxed to be able to have a talk about where things are heading. It is difficult to judge I know. We have spent so long doing LRT and not doing R talk its difficult to know when to take a step towards a more normal R. What I mean is your R cannot stay like that forever. That is not normal to not be able to talk about things with your spouse as I'm sure I don't need to tell you. Maybe you could just ask where he sees things heading now that he is enjoying life with you and see what he says. I wish you loads of luck UL I really do. I know how scary it is to decide whether or not to say anything about how you feel. I have been pleasantly surprised by my H's reaction each time I have decided to say something and it does seem to have moved things on a little each time. Fingers crossed for you. IP


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
inpain #978570 03/18/07 12:06 AM
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Oh one thing springs to mind though....why would he be there with you still if he doesn't have any loving feelings or fancy you? That is not something someone would do for any length of time in my opinion. Maybe he is just scared to take the next step or is unsure how.


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
inpain #987083 03/24/07 11:31 AM
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Hi UL

This struck a chord with me. I remember in July last year H was being really nice to me, hugging me, enjoying my company etc. I knew if I asked him that he would still say ILYBINILWY. I spoke to my best friend and I said it seemed as if he was "evaulating" and she agreed. She agreed as well that if I asked him if his feelings had changed he may well say no, so the best answer was don't ask, so I didn't, just enjoyed the positive signs, lived in the now and hoped that a happy present would lead to a happier future.
It did.
Piecing is a long process too, there is no falling into each others arms and declaring undying love, it's still very much a rebuilding time. It's taken me about a year and a half to get to a position I'm happy with, I've rquired more patience than I ever thought I could have but it's been so worth it!
Hang on in there, to me it really does look like you WILL get there.


Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05
Seperated Sept/Oct 05
Oct 06 - H recomitted
July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Jen_Jam #992083 03/28/07 08:07 PM
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Thanks IP and Jen_Jam

You have both been so helpful and always offer really good advice, it always makes me feel better to hear from you both.

Things have recently progressed on the inimacy side of things. Yesterday morning i actually got a little kiss on the lips and when i went to hug him goodnight, well, lets just say one thing led to another!!!!!!! I am not sure how to feel about it, obviously, i am totally thrilled that we have ML but at the same time i am unsure what his feelings are. What if i wasn't as good as OW or he only did it to see if he could find some feelings for me?! I know i am probably just being irrational, i suppose i am scared that he might not ever feel the same way about me again.

He is still sleeping in the spare room, which i think is probably a good thing for now. In a way it makes it feel as if we really are starting again. It was odd to have ML then say goodnight and go up to separate rooms. A bit like when we were first dating and would go home to our separate houses at the end of the evening.

I hope you guys are happy and everythings is going well for you.

Speak again soon
UL

Unloved #994260 03/29/07 11:27 PM
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Hi UL

Congratulations on getting another step further towards being completely back together. I too have recently reached this goal on the intimacy side of things and felt similar to you. Not worrying about comparing to someone else because my H did not have an OW but just felt very insecure afterwards and worried when/if it would happen again and wondering how H felt about it. I'm sure he didn't compare anything to OW and like you say it is quite nice that it is like dating again with you both sleeping separately. Does he know he is welcome back into your bedroom to sleep or has the subject not come up at all??

Still keeping my fingers crossed for you UL and hope your S's are doing well. IP


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
inpain #994750 03/30/07 01:41 PM
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Hi UL. Been following your thread/sitch. Let us know the latest & what's going on.


Me: 38
H: 35
S4, S5, S10
Bomb 01/07
Wanted D - nothing would change his mind
Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb
Piecing 04/07
Deployed for a year 05/07
Still Piecing 2010
M 11 yrs 05/10
RedHeadWife #1007555 04/10/07 04:22 PM
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Hi Ip and Cadesmom34

It's been a while, but i am still here.

Things are going brilliantly as far as H and I are concerned. We had a lovely weekend together and H moved back into our bedroom this weekend - Hooray !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We haven't actually had the chance to get very intimate since the last time because we have both been absolutely exhausted. H been really busy with work and doing DIY at home and our sons and I have been unwell so i'm really tired.

I have been very worried about Easter because it was Easter Sunday last year when H walked out. Oh, how things have changed!!

I know i should be over the moon - which i am, but i have been feeling really low lately and i'm not exactly sure why. I am so scared that i am going to change back to my old ways of feeling guilty and negative about everything. Also, i don't seem to have any energy to do anything, everything seems so overwhelming. My brain just isn't functioning at the moment. For example, i went to do the food shopping this morning - i spent about an hour in the supermarket, put all the shopping through the checkout and then realised that i didn't have my purse with me - i could have cried!!!!!!!!

I don't want my H to see me like this in case he gets scared and regrets his decision to come back. On Friday we had arranged to meet up with friends and their children at a local pub and for some reason i got really anxious about it and told H that i couldn't go - i got in a bit of a state, which is what i used to do. Eventually, he very patiently persuaded me to come and we had a lovely time. Now, i am so annoyed at myself for being ridiculous - i just couldn't stop myself from feeling totally irrational.

Why is this happening again, i am starting to doubt myself and the strenght i had is disappearing, i really thought that all that was behind me now, it is just such a horrible feeling when things like that happen. i expect to have the odd bad day but this has been about 2 weeks. I have no reason whatsoever to feel depressed - i should be feeling the happiest that i have ever felt.

I am sure there are people reading this and shouting at the screen "for F**k sake get a grip" because i am now in a position that they would give anything for. I really, truly am soooo happy about how things are with H and I, i just wish i could relax and really enjoy it properly.

Hope all is well for you guys.

Cadesmom - it's good to hear that you have been following my sitch. Are you in a similar sitch and has this been of any help to you?

Unloved #1010666 04/12/07 03:24 PM
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Hi UL lovely to hear from you again as always.

It is fantastic to hear how well you are doing and I'm so glad your H has finally moved back into your room!! It really makes you feel like you are getting there doesn't it!?

I don't read what you have put and think get a grip at all. It is totally understandable after everything you have been through - go easy on yourself. Think about the last few months/year. You have had to bring up a young child whilst being pregnant on your own whilst dealing with the upset and stress of H leaving and all along you were DBg wonderfully. You've had a baby and are now looking after 2 small children and still having to DB because H has only just come home. Could you have a little post natal depression do you think? I only ask because the panic thing you describe when you were going to meet your friends is what I used to experience about taking baby out when I had it. On the other hand it could just be the thought of a family outing with friends if they know about H leaving because I now I worry if I know I'm going to see any of H's friends because I wonder if they are laughing at me.

You are doing so amazingly well and I'm sure it is just teething troubles. I too am having a little trouble with confidence. I seem to be causing little arguments all the time like I used to and I really don't want the old me to resurface. My H says he thinks it is because I have no confidence and I think he is right. I just can't seem to accept that he didn't want me and now he does - its like - "why? what changed your mind??" but if I really think I know I changed his mind by changing into the person I was when we met. Trouble is it has all really knocked my confidence and I need a lot of reassurance right now.

This is still a really difficult time and although it is great to have our H's back there are still going to be tough times. Hang on in there you really are doing brilliantly.

Don't worry about the intimacy side of things - it took 3 months from my H moving back into our room to get to ML - it moved far too slowly for me but now I feel it was well worth the wait.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you. IP


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
inpain #1017081 04/17/07 04:39 PM
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Hi IP

You always seem to know the right things to say to make me feel better - thank you!

I think you are right, i sometimes feel overwelmed by things and it probably is partly due to post-natal depression and partly because my confidence has taken a bit of a battering.

Also, i feel so insecure because, like you said, they didn't want us and now they do - it's sort of hard to get your head around, isn't it?! My H has said such hurtful things over the past year, how much of it did he really mean?
He is going away with work alot at the moment so i haven't seen him very much. I am dying to as him lots of questions about his trips because part of me is still suscpicious that he is seeing someone else. I don't really think he is, i think i'm just being paraniod. I have even suspected that he may be gay because he talks about one man in particular all the time!!!!!!! I have not said anything though because i have to show him that i trust him.

It's our wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks time so i'm hoping he'll want to do something romantic. He still hasn't put his wedding ring back on so i'm not sure whether to mention it now or keep quiet and wait and see if he puts it back on for our anniversary - what would you do?

Thanks for still being here.
UL

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