Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Afterall....This IS my Life III

Corri, it doesn't take much to frustrate me these days, so if I sounded frustrated, don't sweat it girl!

I am still in counseling, I continue to see the MC that H and I were seeing. She is really helpful b/c she's met H and witnessed his demeanor firsthand so any opinion she has of him, I don't feel so responsible for kwim?

You can always write what you want to on my thread. If it's what you would do, preface it with that and let it flow. Thanks for all your thoughts.

It just became clear to me that H is very suspicious that I am seeing someone. In light of his comment last night about a potential boyfriend at karate, plus something that happened just a few minutes ago. I was typing an email to a good friend who lives in Richmond and I was going to ask her if she would be available to hang out if I came up during the weekend H will have the kids in Baltimore and as I was typing that I realized that I don't even know for sure which weekend H is planning on taking them, which is just ridiculous....if the situation were reversed and I were taking the kids, I would figure out for sure which weekend my family was going, I wouldn't just keep saying 'I don't know'. So, I called him to ask him and the silence on the other end of the phone was deafening...accusing actually. All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks that he thinks I'm asking so that I can make plans with somebody else....somebody other than my friend Sara! I ended up having to call his sister to ask what their plans are for Baltimore.
Ya know, I know I don't deserve his trust, certainly not now. But can I just say that it totally, thoroughly and completely sucks to want my H back so badly only to have him think I'm seeing somebody else?! This is crazy.

(((Heather)))
Well, one thing that may come out of this, if you two move in the divorce direction, is that he will be unable to monopolize the time you have with the kids. He will have his time. You will have yours. Aside from joint "special events" such as kids concerts, recitals, etc., you can do what you want when it is your custody time.

My ex still pulls things like planning special fun events which don't end until well after my custody time has begun. I wouldn't put it past your H to do the same type of thing. I had to fight constantly for my custody time. It served two purposes: It let her know that she was not to fark with me on that issue. And it let my kids know that I cared enough about them to fight for my time to spend with them.

As for his suspicion of the non-existent infidelity, let him be suspicious. Not your job to validate your fidelity to him anymore. And you might also want to think about whether he is projecting his own guilt onto you.

Hairdog

I agree with Hairdog.
Heather, don't your papers state custody arangements as well as the right to have other relationships? In my S papers that was included. Your H does not have a right to control your time with the children or your non-existent, but inevitable R with new people.
If he wants to have some control over that than he needs to be working on the M. I never had to deal with that because H was so checked out emotionally with his depression and what not.
I'm sorry this is such a difficult road for you. He certainly is quite abusive as Corri re-iterated. Stay strong.

Heather,

Your latest epiphany is a good example of what I had been trying to tell you… it does not matter one hoot what YOU think. If you are trying to patch things up with your H, you need to focus on what HE thinks. Until he sees the words, actions, intent in you that convinces him to think another way, he will think the worst of you. And if I were him, looking back on your history, I wouldn’t say you have a good track record. You didn’t like the state of the marriage, for whatever list of reasons as long as a book, so you go have an affair. You didn’t like his reaction to that, for another list as long as a book, so you file for divorce. From his perspective, it seems pretty clear.

This is why Blackfoot was saying that your H is actually doing a remarkable job of holding himself together, staying in the house for the kids, not walking out on you, etc. You can have your lists of why this is all wrong, that you are the victim, blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t matter. If you want to make progress with him, you need to do it on HIS terms, not yours. He is done. He is ready to end this too. If he weren’t I think he would be sending different signals.

I see two reasons why he isn’t doing this: 1) he is a narcissistic SOB and has no feeling or empathy for you or anyone else, or 2) he can see no hope with you in light of your actions, words, communication. Maybe it is a combination of the two. I don’t know, but I do believe you have a certain level of blame for number 2).

Also you recently commented that you thought you were a laid back, easy to get along with type of person. I find that very hard to believe. Everyone is easy to get along with if others in their life would just do as they wanted. Under those ideal, controlled situations, you might be a real doll. But under stress you are the warrior chick, and the last few years have been nothing but stress. Get real about who you are and what you project to others.

‘Fess up to your H that you have been controlling, vengeful, vindictive, manipulative and that you have done all those things not out of love or trying to hold the family together, but out of your own selfish interests to protect yourself. Tell him that and he might hear you.

Matthew 7:3

Somebody give me a cookie.

Chrome,

W and I have discussed everything that I have just mentioned to Heather. We have had the come-to-Jesus meeting, at it helps.

Cobra:

I don't believe in kicking people while they are down. To me, that is how your latest post sounded. And blatantly, outright... mean. This is my opinion only, of course. I'm sure you are trying, in your own way, to help. But with help like this, who needs it.

Not every woman you encounter is like your wife, eh?

Corri

Cobra,

I was not referencing your M, I was referencing your post. Can you not see the irony in accusing someone of being mean ... in a mean way? Maybe that is what you were going for and it was just too subtle for me. But I wonder if subtle meanness is really appropriate for someone going through a D. The message is bound to get lost, kwim? Sometimes, no matter how confident you are, how "alpha" you want to come across, how sure you are of your opinion, a little humility and soothing in your words is the way to go.

JMHO

Chrome