Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Oh GOD help me!

Sweeps,

I'm with SOL - you're getting great advice. STOP chasing - start living for you. Check out the post by nextsteps that he made today - absolutely where you need your head to be....

Reread DR right away...

And keep venting HERE - not at your W.

Good luck.

Sven

I thought I'd keep my thread going and update my progress here.

Since the last post I went on Vacation, fought, tried to take back my bed and found myself right back in the other room again.

From other post:
AmyC,
Your advice was pretty right on. I had a feeling it might go that way and my daughter changed everything. I took her to bed and she still sleeps with us..her. Shes 10 but the last 3 years have screwed her up. Anyway, she asked if i was going to sleep in there and was mom going to sleep in her room? I never thought about her in my claim. What's surprising is she wanted to sleep with her mom and not me. As she put it she is used to it and doesnt want to hurt my feelings or want Mom/Dad to fight. I never thought about it like that. It sucks. Anyway, I gave in to her and told her I will sleep in her room by myself instead. Once my W got home I got up and slipped into the other bed never even seeing my W.

Last night my W was in a good mood. She had the day off and despite running around doing errands she was happy. Of course she complained about it but....MLC.

Anyway, she bought some new shirts and tried them on for her GF and I. Mostly for GF but I told her how great she looked in them. She seemed to respond to that and was kind of playful. Later i said goodnight and walked away to the basement. Inside i wanted to hug her but held back. I think she might have wanted to cause she kind of turned to say goodnight but I made it quick. I dont want to seem needy toward her. Its tough cause she looks really good was shes happy.

Its been a weird week. I have been going "dark" for the most part and avoiding my W. I figure its just easier that way for now. I havent seen her since tuesday morning. I just waved bye as i kissed my D goodbye. Since my W works closing hours at the restaurant I dont see her after work. In the mornings Im usually out the door before they get up for school. Normally I wake up when i hear my W come home at night and I say "hi", but Ive just been getting out of our bed with my D and slipping into the other bedroom. She called me at work today to ask about the tips she had in a jar. I took it to deposit and pay bills. I think she knew "why" i took it because the bills where in there with the cash. Maybe it was an excuse to talk to me. I dont know. I reminded her I had to pay the insurance bill and that is why i took the cash. She said ok. We discussed the baby-sitter for today b/c school is out and thats it. I said have a good day! Thats it.
I wonder if she thinks anything about us or not. Its hard to read her and Im usually wrong.
Last night my D joked about how crabby mom is all the time. It felt kind of nice to know Im not the only one who sees it. Still its sad too. My 10 year old shouldnt have to keep dealing with her parents problems.
Other then that im keeping my mind busy with other things and NOT thinking about my W as much. I have been working on losing weight for the past few months. I lost 14lbs but got my head out of wack again with our issues. Its time to get serious again and stay focused on me. I need to lose another 15 lbs by summer.

I tried to start a conversation on Saturday which turned into a very deep painful talk. The main things I got from it was
1. we made a mistake getting this house (when we decided to get back together our TH was sold and we had a month to find a home)
2. we got back together b/c we where scared financially
3. nothing has changed and Im the same old guy again.

I tried to ask questions, like why are you so upset with me? She would say Im not. I pried more and said well you dont seem happy. She said she wasnt and stated the topics above. I stated how Ive asked her to spell out "what" it is that bugs her about me but she never does it. She will say i write it out or I need to think about it. Basically anything to avoid it. I told her Im trying to work on us..but she cuts me off with and Im not right? She said stuff like "everyone thinks your a saint and you do nothing wrong" ,"dont say anything bad about my uncle..aunt XXXX" our niece said to her last week while visiting them. That this isnt her house but its D and mine. That I turned D against her just like her family. I said "they have eyes and ears and can make there own judgments".
I tried to tell explain how I have avoided her all week by leaving before she woke and going to bed before she came home. All because i was trying to give her space. She said that was stupid and sis it change anything? No!.
All I could do was drop my head cause i feel defeated. She says she doesnt know what to do about us and has no ideas. That it was a mistake to get back together. I remained pretty calm and told her I dont and that I do love her. I just feel like I have nothing to work with here. That she doesnt communicate and every word that comes out of my mouth is the wrong thing to her. For me to ask something simple like , "Are you upset with me about something?" Would be returned with ..Did i SAY I WAS???? .I tried to explain that I AM ASKING a questions and trying to talk to her. That my words are not pointing a finger at her or putting words in her mouth. Finally I just said "PLEASE HELP ME" "PLEASE HELP ME WORK ON THIS RELATIONSHIP AND NOT THROW IT AWAY" . She just looked at me and didnt say anything else. No mean look or anything. She looked very beautiful actually.
Since then we have been civil and say have a good day, sweet dreams, or happy easter. She was in a better joking mood today while running around trying to find something to wear for work.
I went out and bought DB and started reading it too. Im scared and sad today but the hardest part is not knowing how to act around her.

Sorry for the grammatical errors above. My mind was racing.

sweeepsr
You need to slow down
stop trying to fix everything for everyone in 3 seconds!!!!

you need to work on you...stop obsessing over what she thinks is wrong with you...what things would YOU like to work on....and work on those things

You can't force anyone to be with you
either she wants to or she doesn;t so stop trying to work on our relationship....you need to work on you first

confidence is the sexiest thing ever...work on your confidence...what makes you feel better.

the more you jump up in front o fher with questions an dbegigng and "look at me" stuff...the more she will pull away...do for you and your daughter

the goal at the end is not necessary to be together but to be the best YOU possible...if the best YOU possible is with her, it will be!!!

Sweep,

Please understand if your Wife is in MLC, this is NOT your fault. She needs to go through all the stages until she becomes normal again.

Any begging pleading will push her away. Stay calm and focus on your daughter, nothing else. Your wife wants you to get upset, mad, hostile, etc.... It justifies her behavior

GIVE HER SPACE AND LOTS OF TIME BY HERSELF - let her see what she will be missing if the marriage dissolves.

We are here for you

Fig,
I am trying to work on me and have been. What is so difficult is getting pulled back in to the drama. I know I do it to myself a lot but im conflicted. Either i sit and act like she is not even home while she walks around the house bitching or I try to have nice chit chat. Either way I look like Im trying or playing a game. Im just so sick of the crap. Im a fixer. I fix things. It hard to sit back. Both separations I moved out for her. My life was turned upside down as where my family and friends who took me in.
Anyway Im just tired inside!! I wait and wait then blow up.
As for working on myself I did a year ago when I moved out. I formed a band and we played out. it was great and my W seemed to like me doing it. The band broke up last month which sucked. Im trying to make a new one but its takes time.

Thanks for the reply.

Thanks Goal.
I try to give her space. THe thing with her is she works 50 60 even 80 hours a week. It not cause she HAS to. She puts it on herself to keep her "mind busy" as she put it once. When she is actually home she cant sit still. You can see her head running through work things or who knows what. Im starting to wonder if there is something else going on medically(beside the panic attacks, depression which she is on meds for) but I could be grasping at straws too.

Okay,

You need to step back; you are an MLCer waiting to happen.



In what bizarro world is preconfession of SINS maek it better than lieing?

I'll tell you where...in the logic of the MLC tunnel.



No, it is NOT just words. It is cruel and manipulative.

Sure it'll give her a kick in the ass...it will give her the justification she wants to leave. It will help her feel even more guilty. Saying what you did--is throwing her affair back in her face.



Let's put aside the above and look at what you are doing wrong. Hmm...being a good Dad, being a responsible spouse, cooking, celaning, working etc.

Okay...here's something...


Wow...there is a lot of anger in there. Here's what you reveleaed in that statement.

You motivations for staying in your marraige are not about her--not about Love.
They are about you...avoidance of shame/embarrassment
Martyr yourself for your daughter
You don't want to be [censored] on again--so what is being dumped on your now...by both you and your MLCer?

I personally believe it is impossible to hate someone unless you love them. I cannot hate Hitler...too much energy etc. But Sweetheart...because I open myself up to be vulnerable to him, he has more power to hurt me emotionally. Part of Eros-Love is making oneself vulnerable. I see emotions in a circular graph...like a clock face. If Love is at 12:00, Hate is at 11:59:59.

And so the biggest thing you revelaed is Hate. You love her so much that you hate her and you want to make her pay by remaining in misery in your marriage...you are holding a gun to her head.

But it is to yours also. Is that really how you want to live?

Look at what I have said and think about these things.

You've been patient....and sorry, it's going to take more of the same. You need to find a SAFE outlet for these frustrations.

And you also need to commit to counselling...none of the go for a few weeks and stop. Go alone if she backs out...you've got to be the example...the lighthouse.

And right now, you need personal counseling to handle yourself and you own frustrations.

HUGS,
RCR