Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I had the A, how to regain trust?

well divorced friends haven't conquered marriage, they're divorced. Their views are bound to be skewed by what they went through right?

I think you'll do fine - you sound like you're off to a good start!

Is counseling an option you two have discussed?

Funny you should mention C. We had been going, but had stopped mainly because we had come to an impass. The MC asked W if she wanted to get closer to me. She said no, not yet (ouch). The MC basically pulled back and didn't schedule a new session. Left it to us to come back when ready.

I've brought up going back to MC, and she is not thrilled by the idea but will do it. I don't want to force her, and have made sure she knows it's her choice, and she still says she will go. So even if her heart isn't in it, I'm going to schedule another session.
Who knows, maybe we'll learn something? ;-)

How are you doing? Have you posted on your own thread lately? I didn't see anything new(ish).

And, I just posted a long, hard question on my MLC thread. Please feel free to give me your advice on that. I think it's a toughie. Thanks!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=908801

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=943571&page=1#Post943571
page 10 has the most current updates...

going to check out the thread. I think it's good that she's agreed to the MC session and you've let her know it's her choice....Good job.

Reading some of yours... It looks very positive to me.

I bet you're feeling something like I do sometimes: If he(she) can be this nice, can do this thing that's so nice, what is keeping him from taking the next step? WE are ready to really get down and dirty, do the hard work, and make our Ms fantastic.What's keeping them from doing that?

yeah he seems to be doing good MOST of the time....then I think, just move back home and let's fix this....but I know that's me, and I shouldn't rush him. ACK!!!!!!!!!

Just to vent a little more about jealousy, and UA, if you're still reading, maybe it will give a little insight into how your H feels. Maybe.

I practice stop thinking when I think of my Ws A, and the OM. I don't do a great job, but I try. In fact... I'm going to stop this right now, because it will only upset me to start thinking along the lines I was planning. Maybe some other day.

Never mind. :-)

I tried telling H about that whole stop sign thing but he was not at a point to be receptive to it.......

Hope you're having a good day.

I'm not having a bad day. Having a hard time focusing on work. How are you doing today?

You know, the first books I read talked about how you should give your H all the information he wants about the A. Have you looked at any of those books? Shirly Glass has a good book on this. Marriagebuilders.com has some interesting ideas and articles. They aren't working for me so much since my W isn't "apologetic" about her A. But these books seem to say that it's OK to discuss and investigate. The stop sign thing is important for me because of my sitch. Look into them.

It is hard for me not to think of the OM as being a lot better than me. It's hard for me not feel inadequate. I remember a post Grasshopper had a while ago where he talked about how most of us didn't marry virgins and we should get over it all ready (I did marry a virgin. Lucky me. I was almost a virgin if there is such a thing). I guess it's kind of like that. Maybe you had a bf before you were married. It doesn't make sense for H to be jealous of the early bf (of course, my W's affair was with her first bf, but still, I think my point still works.)

So maybe look into more books, that website, see if that method works for you - telling your H everything he wants to know in a supportive way (don't have to go into detail about how 'good' he was). And if I were your H, I wouldn't mind hearing repeatedly how good I was and in what ways I was good. The male ego is terribly fragile, no?

THis post should be on your thread. It also should be peppered with smiley's and such, 'cause it's written with the intention of good humor and support. :-)

I have answered every question H has asked. He asked me not too long ago if I regretted it. I said somewhat, just because I have hurt him. He said he did too some. H was my first, so this is especially hard for him, but honestly and I've told him this, om doesn't even compare to H. H is WAY better. The way I worded it is "om was not worth it on SO many levels".....I have three books - one of which he has read lately - Monogamy Myth. He likes that one - doesn't feel it's the poor woman book like the other two - surviving an affair and DB...

Can you give me a quick summary of The Monogomy Myth? Why does he like it? Just curious.

When he asked if you regretted it, you said 'somewhat'. Does that mean you don't regret it all? I commend your honesty if that's the case, and I hope your H does too.

I think I read most of Surviving an Affair.

I read a post on another thread this morning where the person who had the affair said that the A helped them realize how unhappy they were with their M. Now she has quit the A and wants to try to find the good things in her M. I bring this up because, again just curious, why did you have an affair?

My W did, IMHO, because she wasnt' happy. She felt trapped in a loveless M, and this guy, her first love, contacted her. The OM was a refuge, a place to run to. My W couldn't just leave, she needed somewhere to go and this OM provide it.