Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

Just an update to my sitch

Had a talk with H about his male friend and me feeling like we are having to fit into his life as opposed to him having to fit into ours. Expressed my concerns about not doing the "us" things that we used to do (i.e. breakfast together Saturday mornings was my favorite and his) and we haven't done that for ages. He listened to me, got frustrated a little, but in the end (regardless of whether he called his friend and told him things were strained and he should stay home) he stayed home and we did go for a walk with the dogs and tomorrow he says we should talk a walk by ourselves along a canal that's is near our place - so I am a happy camper at this point.

And yes, I shouldn't complain, he is reading that book (which is absolutely wonderful and I didn't think it would interest him). He says it is "exactly" how he has thought it should be - I was shocked to say the least. Hopefully he will put some of the things into practice

Heywyre,
It does sound like you have some special challenges at this time. If you're dealing with chronic pain issues, that adds another stressor to your mix.

Moving to a new area is another stressor. I'm not sure how you feel about living in a rural area. Five months is still pretty new. I hope you are able to find ways to connect to people.

It's also tough because of the R issues.

It does sound like you're trying to cope as well as you can.

CL

Hi Heywyre,

It sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you, it makes me glad!

I'm doing so-so, which could be improved. I just made a new revelation about myself and it wasn't pretty. It led me to not slack off in the area of making life-long changes about myself and to become a happier and fun H and dad to be around, not to mention a good friend that my W can confide in. It's funny, when I start to work on "me" while realizing that I am disgusted with the "old me", the A my W had seems like not so big a deal, though it was! It just makes it easier to deal with, and I can focus on me and my M and do the things that I need to be doing.

I hate the old me, but I love that I have made that realization. It happened when I saw old family video footage. And my little girl is to blame! Bless her innocent little heart!

Life is still as stressful as ever

H and I had a HUGE talk today - major issues about him being so secretive. He says its just the way he is and has always been that way - I say its a problem that will always be an issue if we don't deal with it.

It all started with me questioning him about his Visa bill -its what I would consider excessively high as we usually pay them off every month (his is around $7,000 at this point but was much higher). He usually takes care of the finances (which was an easy way out when the OW was involved) so I know there was probably a lot of money spent that I will never know about but that's a whole other story (in the past). I wanted to know why his Visa was so high, he didn't want to tell me and said if it was going to be a sticking point with us and I was going to push the issue, he was going to push back. I called him on it and said "what does that mean". He said, "are you going to keep pushing me about it because, if you are, we might as well go our separate ways now because its the principal of the matter and I won't be pushed." I retaliated with, "yes it's the principal of the matter and being I contribute to the bills being paid around here, I have just as much of a right to know what our money is being spent on as you do". That was the condensed version - we went back and forth for at least 45 minutes until finally he admitted that a fair chunk of that money was spent on OW - fine!! That's all he had to say in the first place. I just think he didn't want to have to admit it to me because that would mean actually having to feel humiliated about having spent money on OW when I work so hard to save and conserve our money.

Well, only a matter of 5-10 minutes later he came into my office and said "you're stubborn you know" - with a smile on his face. I said, "so are you but I love you anyway". He said he loved me too. Things are still strained (a little) but at least I feel we have moved over a BIG molehill. I know we still have a long, long way to go right now but at least we go to see the C tomorrow, which is another plus.

Has anyone dealt with CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) before? C wants to try it out on my husband (for his depression due to what he feels is post traumatic stress disorder). I have read a fair amount on the internet about it and it seems positive but it would be nice to hear feedback from someone that has experienced it. Anyone?

Hi Heywyre,

To go through what you've went through over your big molehill, my W would have to get a nudge from me to get an issue out in the open, and for some reason, she would get over-defensive and upset over our major issues. Nice, huh?

I wish I could try CBT, but I haven't dealt with it before. It sounds like an interesting type of behavior therapy, and I could probably benefit from it myself!

I think we could all benefit from CBT Sol. As a matter of fact, I am going with H this afternoon to the C and I will see if he suggests it for just him or both of us. I think we all get into a pattern of negative thinking and it just becomes a way of life and it is so hard to break that habit. Both H and I recognize it in ourselves but don't know where it began, how we drifted apart and where to begin to put it back on the road again. Hopefully this will be the answer (don't we all want the "answer"?)

I found a good link that explains CBT pretty well. It's supposed to be able to be an alternative to medications, it's that effective, but only on those that have non-severe depression and anxiety disorders.

http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/html/CBT.html

Thanks Sol - I will check it out (and I will also let you know how the progress goes with my H)

Thanks again

Heywyre,
You also may want to visit the website of the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. This is a specialty organization for therapists who wish to specialize in this orientation.

CL

Thanks CL - I am quite interested to see if this actually works. Apparently it only takes 5-10 sessions at most. Of course, that is if the participant is cooperative, which my H seems to be at this time (fingers crossed)