Quoting lostlove:really how long should it take for this man to decide if he wants to be my h or not....
The real question is, "how long can these marriages last with one partner effectively carrying the entire load?" And the answer is "until the carrying partner gets tired."
Quote: what the hell is he waiting for some pitter patter to go off in his heart???? it's already going off in his pants.
It's the uncertainty of these WAS's that makes them so hard to bear, isn't it? If he was gone for good, at least you could begin to move on. Or if he was just "dark." But where he toys with the idea of coming back, but never actually does it...that's rough.
Been surfing through some Emily Dickinson poems on bartleby.com lately. Here's a line that made me think of us here on this site:
I CAN wade grief, Whole pools of it,— I ’m used to that. But the least push of joy Breaks up my feet, And I tip—drunken. Let no pebble smile, ’T was the new liquor,— That was all!
thanks si maybe i should just percieve h as a no alcholic bev then that way if I do drink I wont fall down and get stupid!! LOL!!
anyway most of what I said in my post today I said to h last night.... he slept on the couch....this am I came down with dd...h stayed sleeping... son woke and came down... h stayed sleeping...eventually when I got up to get breakfast for kiddos h got up.. made my tea (is he loopy) and then went and took a shower in the basement (after retreaving his travel bag from the garage...could he have left it there instead of the back hall so i wouldn't have to look at it?) then kissed son d and I good bye... bonkers...then he called at about 10 30 to let me know he had so far come up with one ticket to sun game for our friends and is looking for the other.... ok said he'd call later... ok...
h calls again at 3 15 I am on porch (kids are napping ahhh at same time never happens) so I don't bother to get the phone... no message... h calls again 2 min later... I answer.... just letting me know he will be here about 5 I say ok s took nap so he should be in better mood than last night...that is good... h questions if his timing of arrival will be keeping me from anything... no says I if you are here at 5 is good for me...ok then... bye..h was cold and angry. I am going to the 7pm showing of "the ring" with a friend... did not tell h nor will he ask... i will just go... would like to just leave when he gets here but we'll see about the kiddos at the time.. it is too cold for d to be outside... if h wants to chop some wood and let s play in the snow then I will hang for a bit til 6 in the house with d. I am annoyed... don't know what I am to be doing... this is about h and his descision... I can't make it for him but I can only be open to this for so long. LL
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I haven't made any comments on your thoughts yet as I was trying to validate your feelings while looking at this DB business in a positive perspective. Unfortunately I haven't got any good ideas yet.
I guess one of the reasons I was hesitating making comments is that you have been endured for so long. It is indeed true that a person can only hang in so long, while patience is always the preach people are giving. So that would really depend on your mind and heart what the next step would be. Waiting and living your life happily without him while waiting for your H may also be a good decision.
So keep sharing with us your feelings. I am sure you will always make a wisest decision.
Thanks again for your numerous encouragements to my sitch. I am off to my "date" .
Quote: Waiting and living your life happily without him while waiting for your H may also be a good decision.
hard to do if part of his descision making involved "toying" with me by spending time with me and cuddling me in bed at night ( well the 5 of them anyway) all the while being 50% wanting to be here and 50% wanting to be with someone elses's wife...
I see no bag tonight... perhaps it's still in the truck or perhaps h does not intend to stay... either way is ok with me.. I will be going out in a bit.. when he is done with son outside... he seemed bothered that I'm going out... maybe cause he wants to leave or maybe cause he wants to talk.. but it is not for me to figure him out that is his job when he does he can open his mouth and speak... LL
Quote: hard to do if part of his descision making involved "toying" with me by spending time with me and cuddling me in bed at night ( well the 5 of them anyway) all the while being 50% wanting to be here and 50% wanting to be with someone elses's wife...
I understand what you mean. My H does not live at home, he stays at OW's, on the "couch", when he is in on weekends. If he were to come home, it would have to be whole hearted, not half. It sounds like you're getting half from what you are saying.
I can see how you feel, that this is not good enough, I agree. He has to make a real commitment, just like when you first got married. It does feel like we are being toyed with. But again it boils down to it being our choice whether to stick with it or not.
Tina
M 14 years, tog 20. 3 kids D-13, S-11, S-9. Bomb dropped June 1/02, sep Aug 11, living with OW since Oct/02.
ok lot's to say...last night before i left for the movie h kissed dd and then me on the forehead (was a nice kiss) so then as h was getting dd's mile ready I hugged him and cried a little, h hugged me back tight... i left went to the movie... the ring... scared the hell out of me...on the way home I called h to see if he was awake..told him i was freaked he laughed and said ok well frasier is on...come home...on the way home h called to tell me what was happening in the show.. i asked him to meet me at the door cause i was scared..he did but was inside the door so he scared me..we sat infront of the fire and watched the rest of the show.. s woke and snuck downstairs so we both went and put him back up to bed...we sat and talked a bit about nothing in general felt good, i had a couple glasses of wine and relaxed a bit.. then layed down infront of the fire next to h... h pulled me up closer saying come her ms akward... I said what... he said you just can't get comfortable... i said now or ever.. h says ever but now especially... i said... i don't know if i'm supposed to get comfortable...h said you are..so we layed together on the floor h rubbing my back looking at me (eyes) then kissing me...(the kisses themselves had him tranced or something) so things go from there... h says "you are so sexy do you know that" (well kinda but didn't know he thought so) after we sat infront of the fire again and h stared into my eyes rubbing my hair and looking at me then hugs me and says "im sorry" trembling.. i say it's ok.. he says no it's not... i say you'll be ok... h says i want you to be ok too... more hugging and then h says let's go up to bed and cuddle...so we took a shower together h washed my back... then we kissed the sleeping cherubs a final goodnight and went to sleep h holding me in his arms.. this am h again made me tea...and before leaving gave me a big hug.
I have realized somethings...the most important being...we both have been hididng some of our feelings from eachother for a while....I never shared with him my frustrations of caring for our children... sorry to admit it but being at home alone all day with babbies can wear on you and any parent knows they can do things that push your buttons...h and i talk to eachother now about the kids and not just the simple oh they are so cute...
I am not sure where things are going or how today will go but last night was a good night with h even before the hugging even before his "sorry".
there is more in my head but that is all i can get out right now.
Glad you shared with your H about the frustration. I am sure it felt good. IMHO, this is great since both you and your H can share those inner feelings you have expressed on this BB, without resorting to angny or bitterness. It also sounds like that your H has been receptive to your feelings as well, as he has always been.
It is a great step forward, Jen. If you look this way, I am sure you would feel better as days go by.
Good luck and keep up your positive attitude. I am really happy for you...
I know you have been frustrated for a long time about this half-committment from your H, but I am still green with envy reading about your wonderful evening together! I hope this is a turning point for you, opening the lines of communication.
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