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There are thousands of testimonies here of couples that remarried each other after they were Divorced.

I'm kind of in a situation where i need some advice.
XW wants 11yr D to come to Georgia where she lives.
Doesn't want the older D to go, just 11yr. Last time I sent her is was a disaster where she wanted to come home 4 days early.

To this day XW has shown No interest in these girls lives. Now all of a sudden she wants D to visit. Of course, being the only perent these kids have had for the last year, I am against it.
I cannot be so sure that she can keep my D safe with what happened last time she visited. ( New husband assulted her, and Mom did nothing.)

This woman did not call or send anything for Christmas, Oldest D turned 17 last weekend and her mother called a day later to wish her a Happy B-day. What is this woman thinking? Is this another power play?
I told her that if she wants to see her D's. she needs to make an attempt to visit both of them, by coming up here and spending time with them. Of course she blew a gasket and started playing the blame game. I took as much as I could and hung up.

Now after a week of our little acounter. 11 D called Mom and asked her if she bought Christmas gifts for them and if she did, could she send them up? Mom told her that she will get them when she comes down and asked her if she had "talked me into letting her go" and if she did "when will I make arrangements?"
D told me this and I blew. She puts another responsibility on me?
I'm suppose to buy plane tickets for her to go. Heck. I'm not letting her go. What part of what I said didn't she understand?

I know im ranting here, but the stress level is up again and I don't have anyone else to talk to.
If this was anybody's sit. What would you do?
X

Exactly what you are doing. Your kids come first and you need to protect them. You are the only sane parent they have right now.

I also don't like the fact that she doesn't treat her children equally. If she wants to see her kids then she needs to get on a plane herself and come see BOTH of them.

I would not EVER enable the situation by buying the tickets.

What we do not know is the legal custody arrangements?

Is new H a danger?

I would have a long talk with D about her safety and well being, and tell her you would like to forbid her to go, because you fear for her. However, if she wants to go, then you need to understand why she wants to go, and have a plan for her safety. You want her to have a relationship with her mom. At the very least I would arrange to have a secret cell phone for D to call you if necessary.....
I wonder if D just wants the presents? Is this why she wants to go?
I would investigate D motivation for wanting to go.
If she can not tell you, and come to a good decision together, I would let it drop.
Not knowing the situation and the maturity level of your D, this is just a beginning point.
Good luck I will check back later.
Holly

Thats waht I think. I know its not going to sit well with her and she'll probably get soem sort of legal action on me for it. But, I feel, until that happens, She has to start playing my MY rules. Not what fits her schedual.

She's been calling all the shots, having it all her way, Now its time for me to take control. I don't know what the DB experts say about this. But this is kind of a war. and the damage she's done so far is unreparable.

Thanks for the reply. I know Im doing the right thing.
X

The custody arrangements is for XW to buy the tickets and I am to pay 40%.
There is no set time line when visitations are set up. I guess whenever it fits XW schedual.

I too wondered if its for the gifts. Its so hard to get a answer out of D. She wants to go, to see her mother, But she doesn't want to see her new H.

I have talked to her about her saftey and how I worry about it. especally after what happen last time. Thats why I sugested to her that she comes up here. That and for her to see other D.

This is such a stomach turning issue.
X

In all honestly, XW just wants to keep the power struggle going.
She never calls, D calls her every once in a while and they talk for only minutes.
D asked her why she doesn't come up here to visit and she replyed that she doesn't get the time to be with them that she would if they visit there. told her that last time she came up here,(for legal reasons) and took D out to dinner, I had only gave them 2 hours. She came on a school night and picked D up at 7pm. D usually goes to bed at 9. Thats why she had only 2 hours.

Still playing the blame game. I just want to move on.

This time, I'm sticking to my guns. I refuse to let her use these kids as pawns in her war of power. I have let her have her way too many times, only to cause more pain.
She now needs to play by my rules. It cannot be her way all the time.
It's still all about her.

I read how some of you are having little friendly conversations with your X's. working on little baby steps to become friends again. I wish someday I can have that. My XW and I such a close relationship where we use to finish each others sentences. We were each others best friends.
Now, in her mind, Im the worst person who walked this earth.
She blames me for not sharing with her the kids grades.
She blames me for feeding spew into the minds of my D's to be against her.
She blames me for countless other issue that goes wrong in her life.
All I'm trying to do is deal with the situation I was dealt. Nothing more, nothing less.
She has yet acknoleged her actions in this whole mess. Never admitted her faults. I know. time is of the essence.

Ive been in this mess for 18 months now. And it still feels fresh.
X

Hi X,

I think you are doing the right thing; your kids welfare and safety come first. Spring break is coming up soon, maybe you and ex can arrange to meet somewhere in the middle for a long weekend with both of your kids. In light of what happened with your ex's new H last time I would not send my daughter there again if I were you, especially by herself. Now maybe if her 17 yr old sister went with that might be a different story.

Hang in there, Mama

Oldest D has NO desire to go to see her mother. She is like me, If she wants to see them, she needs to come up here to see them.

Latest chapter in this saga. SIL is coming in for a week to spend time with Mother. She wants to take MY girls to Chicago for the day along with other SIL and BIL. Grandma is also going,
This makes my girls think twice about going. They do not trust grandma, as she is the one who is siding with their mother and challenging my girls into forcing them to side with their mother also.
My girls know the truth and have lived it. They are so sick of grandma putting her nose in a place where it doesn't belong.

They have asked me to interveen. Calling my SIL who is on our side and asking her to keep grandma on a short leash. That's the only way they will agree to go.
I don't want to get involved. I know whatever I do or say will get twisted and make me look like the bad guy.
I know I shouldn't care what they think. But I'm tired of fighting with these people, I just want them to leave us alone and they keep finding ways to keep the drama going.
So I suggested that they talk to their aunt and explain to her their concerns and wishes. They of course want tme to do the negotiations, makes it easier on them. I want to but don't want to get involved.

ANy sugestions on how any of you would handle this?

Rider,

Not sure I have this right. All will be going to see your wife?

That will be wife's two sisters and brother in law AND your wife's Mom? And they want to take the girls? And you're concerned about Grandma's behavior?

If I have this right, you DO need to talk to your SIL about keeping grandma on a short leash. You know why? Because your daughters ASKED you to. You are their protector, their father, you do everything in your power to make their road easier, no matter how much it bothers you.

Just do it man.

By the way, if I've understood the meeting correctly, this seems like a SAFE way for your girls to see their Mom. It sure sounds better than the other options that were presented.

Blessings.

Bill