Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Still in the fight

good and you? You don't have a thread do you?

Sorry 8, not trying to impose.

TO and James;
Thanks,
I just got back, 6 hrs became almost 12 w/ snow and ice. Way too much time to think.

V-day was a potted flower and a non-romantic card, which she wasn't going to open, but I handed it to her and told her she didn't need to worry. She had said "she didn't want to cry or anything" I could still make her cry? Of course I could, she still loves me, just isn't in love with me. The card said "You want to be my valentine? Then you will have to take a number and get in line with everybody else." Inside, "here is your number, (the number on the ticket was 1)."

She started a new job today, so the note I wrote

"Wife,
Well you can't blame a guy for trying

Have a great first day at work.

Remember to trust yourself and your instincts.

Please know that I will be thinking of you and wishing you well.

Happy Valentines day.
Husband."

Early this AM when I got home she woke up and told me she was glad I made it home in one piece.

We have been doing well, talking more etc, she still will not say anything re: R or M, so I have not either, still not sure if that is right thing to do. Her behavior re: OM and reminders has been really good since I confronted her about it and basically told her if it didn't change she should move out, but she still wears a necklace from OM. It is so hard to even talk to her when all I see is that stupid necklace and everything it represents.

I have thought about just asking her not to wear it, but then I remember I don't care if she does, I am detached. But I do care and feel strongly that it is very painful for me and I should communicate that to my wife, but then again the entire A is painful and I am not asking her to discontinue that. It just seems like to say anything will be perceived as "the fact that you are having an A is fine, just don't remind me about it." Plus I have already told her in no uncertain terms that I do not condone or respect her behavior, irregardless of her's and OM's excuses.

Said it one time, face to face, no anger, her body language and face confirmed that she heard me, and I have not mentioned it again. So starting in on the stupid necklace would probably be counter-productive.

I realize how fortunate I am that W and OM do not have routine physical contact, maybe once a month at most, because I can see the A being the reason I quit trying. If it were not for OM, I could be much more successful at detaching, I already have been, but I can't seem to swing detaching from my W's relationship with an OM.

It is a thought consuming, nightmare inducing, self confidence shaking, self esteem reducing, emotionally torturing, love dissapating, situation which threatens to totally consume everything I thought I was. It certainly is a lesson in unconditional love.

I know I don't have any controll over the S, with the exception of how I allow it to affect me and therefore my W's perception of me. It is unconditional in that despite her actions, I still love her, am concerned about her happiness and well being, and want the best for her. However, I remained convinced that all of those things are accomplished by staying married to me.

Because of that, and that I think it is what is best for the rest of our family and me, I will as I have, stand and fight.

I like the card I'm fighting a migraine so will go back and read the rest of the post.

ok - what an awesome post. I can only hope that my H has some of the same feelings (RE: unconditional love and marriage.)

your post brought tears to my eyes. (could be PMS or this stupid holiday too! LOL)

sorry to hear about the migraine, W used to get those but has not for many years.

Any input would, as always, be helpful.

I think you're doing well judging by your post. You sound positive, upbeat and in it for the long haul. I commend you - it's not easy.

Thanks UA,
Maybe it's the migraine bringing tears to your eyes. What do you think about the neckless issue, I know it seems like such a small thing when she is having an A, but it really bugs the
sh!t out of me. I guess I am saying "have your A, just don't make me think about it." Its not like I don't think about it when I look at her anyway.

Things sound good for you, You are doing things that I see are very positive. Not talking about R is a good thing, because you resort to FIX-IT. I like the 180, you really should keep being supportive and stay out of those OM situations that push her away. Be her friend and support her fully. The A sounds like it could be dwindling, look at some examples and see if it is: IS there contact everyday, once or 8-9 times? IS she going out of her way to see him? I would, if I didn't see that my W's OM wasn't calling at night anymore, I would see it as a positive. If she wasn't driving 2 hours all the time to see him. Things like that should keep you positive, and maybe the rush of the affair is wearing off. Who Knows?

It IS throwing it in your face IMO but I don't know about bringing it up to her. You've asked her, she knows how you feel about it ... I don't know what to say about it for sure.

Heyya 81

man, that necklace thing for me, would be too much it's like she's wearing a sign around her neck saying "Lookie here, my boyfriend gave this to me"

I'd ask her to show a little respect and not overtly flaunt her affair.
will she raise hell when you ask her to take it off? probably

I think a boundary is needed here. just simple respect.

take care