Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Still in the fight

Welcome to my world 8! My W's OP was also very helpful career wise and supporting her in her bid for higher education. OP is also a manager whereas I am a lowly mental health worker and an evil union steward! Yes, feeding the need for validation and esteem is always a big feather for the OP. I too supported my W in every endeavour she wanted to undertake but while I was putting out the fires on the homefront, OP was busy filling the void. You mention SELFISH, indeed they are. To carry on the way they are right now they MUST push others needs out of the heads otherwise they'd feel the guilt. My W just pushes ahead like a bull, no time for thought! Anyway, thanks for the opportunity to launch a pity party Next time, I'll bring the pretzels!

TO and Whatis;
Thanks for the advice and for the pity party. I know that morally and scripturally I would be on solid ground filing for D. I find it interesting that God, through neither Matthew, Luke, nor Paul said we MUST divorce the unfaithful spouse, only that it is acceptable to do so.

I know what it is I want at this point, my bigger question is what does God want. I have to believe that God does not want this D, of course he didn't want my complacent attitude towards my M, nor my W's choice to have an A either. I know God hates divorce. I need to understand what my godly response to all of this is.

I pray for many things, that His will be done, clarity and direction, forgivness and repentance, thanks for what He has done and is doing, but most of all I pray that I may make of it what He would have me make of it. I have felt the conviction of the things that were lacking in me, and I have professed those sins and actively repent of them. I spend time in His word and seek understanding and application. I aknowlege that this will be resolved in His time and in His way, but I don't know what to do with the Pain.

I know it is all part of God's greater plan, and the pain is serving a purpose, but dealing with it as it overtakes me and makes me worthless at work, or sneaks up as I interact with the kids, or watch my W sleep. I need to learn what it is I am supposed to do with it. I know it is a burden that He would gladly carry, and perhaps that is the problem, I am not willing to allow Him to take it from me.

Update;
I had emergency at work, and was late coming home. Ds had gone to B ball game, W had waited on dinner, W S6 and I ate together.
During dinner W commented that I wasn't eating enough and looked like I was still loosing weight. "What do you weigh now? 150?"
This starts to sound positive, then "you look gaunt, unhealthy" I said thanks for worrying, but I am fine, I weigh 173 and havn't lost any weight in well over a month.

She added that I needed to eat more, well I was going to have more anyway, so I took some more and said "Just for you" I was joking, but she replied "don't do it for me' do it for yourself and who...." I got the distinct impression she was going to say "whoever else will be in your life. She said all of this with little more emotion then your mom telling you to finish your dinner.

Obviously I need to work on my detachment skills.

WE all do ! It is ok 81..

Tom

Thanks AT.
I know I have to, and for the most part it is easy because things really are pretty good. W will not talk about R or D, but will talk about anything else. Kids, sports, news, weather, new job. She has not said anything about moving, but just recently got a job so I imagine moving out will be next.

She just plays her cards so close to her vest, always has. I really don't know what is going on but have come to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter, there is nothing I can do about it anyway.

I keep getting this nagging feeling that the real 180 would be to "fight" about all this. For 26 years we have almost never had a fight. It is not because one of us always gave in,(though I probably did more then her)rather we just didn't have that much conflict that I knew of. I am not acting much different then I ever have. I don't know, just thinking.

Update;
W is going out of town this weekend, BUT, made a big deal out of who was going to be there and what the hotel arrangements were.(NO OM) Oh, thats right I don't care, I am detached.

Really, I am quite confused. Life can be almost normal at times, but then I realize that my W wants to be w/ someone else, and I am just the band-aid or comforter while they are apart. I also realize that I am too available. Problem with the printer, I will fix it over lunch. Can't find book you need, I will look for it after dinner. Problem with your truck, let me take a look after work. Need to talk, I can put appointments on hold and would love to talk to you.

W got her hair cut today, and yes it was dramatic enough that I noticed, as opposed to the "1/8 inch trim the split ends, you don't even look at me anymore haircut" (sorry ladies :D) I told her she looked great, she acted like she wasn't quite sure how she felt about it. I went out on a limb and told her it looked sassy and sexy. She said she was worried it made her look old. I said "just for the record, sassy and sexy is the opposite of old, at least in my book."

I keep seeing these sparkly, shiney moments of the woman I have loved for so long that I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't. I have to fight the urge to reach out and touch her, to hold her, to kiss her. I go to bed praying for her and wake up in the middle of the night dreaming about her only to realize she is not next to me, and would rather be next to OM. Only to fall asleep and dream about her w/ OM. What a life.

And yet every day, a little piece of that love falls away. I find myself thinking about my life w/out her, what will I have to do at work to make time for the kids?, could I ever really have a relationship with another person? How could that ever be fair to someone else?

Just another day in brokenheartsville, I used to love that song, but now my life has become a country song.

Ahhh 8 - stop feeling sorry for yourself. A man as good as you not finding someone else - give me a break!!

It still amazes me how all these WAS don't see what they have right in front of their eyes.

Heywyre;
Thanks for the boost. I would think I could find someone else, but the point is I don't want to. I keep waiting for the feelings to change, I mean look what she is doing! But they don't.

They will eventually look at what they are doing. Whether or not they actually admit it to anyone (especially us) is a whole other story.

It will take time (like "they" say). I don't know if her, or your, feelings will ever change that is something only you will know. The only thing I do know is only YOU will know when you have had enough. I thought my "enough" time would have come long before now but I am still hanging in there. However, I do think it is close to throwing in the towel. I am exhausted and I just can't fight anymore. Unless my H actully starts making some serious effort, what ever effort I have left will diminish pretty quick here.

8, indeed this is probably the toughest thing any of us will ever face (I hope!). Living WITH it is a day to day battle! Stay strong and keep posting. Take care.