Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again how to keep calm and patient??

Hi L

S has fractured a bone in his arm bless him. He has a cast on. He doesn't seem to be in much pain now thank goodness - he is just getting frustrated because he cannot play with his toys as well as before. I was drying my hair ready to go out and H was sat with S on our bed. S started jumping about like they do and fell off. Of course he hasn't learnt from the experience he still wanted to try jumping on it again the next day!!! We took him to the hospital again today and it looks like he can have the cast taken off in 2 weeks because they heal really quickly when they are so little.

Yeah I think so too. In fact I think I need to post more on here like I was before H came back. Asking everyone's opinion instead of just jumping in feet first - after all it worked well enough to bring him home!

I think he has been thinking about it a lot you're right. That is what he says is making his head feel like it will explode because he knows I want to and knows he doesn't but doesn't know why!?!? (figure that out) I am really worrying about what the answer will be. Wish he'd said he'd answer in 24 hours not 48 then my wait would nearly be over. I'm thinking of offering him a deal back saying to forget the question and just try to kiss me and see how you feel but I suppose that's an even worse idea than waiting for this dreaded answer!

I suppose it could end up being a good answer - I'm not very good at positive thinking I always look on the negative side. I just can't think of a positive answer to that question. When he first moved back in he said it was because he wouldn't do anything like that until he was sure it was going to work and he was staying. He pretty much keeps saying he's not going anywhere yet he still doesn't want to. To be honest I think he has just built it up to be a big deal so much in his head and told himself over and over that it isn't right if you're not together that he's just blocked all those kind of feelings out and can't find them. I keep suggesting taking things real slow like just a massage or kissing but he doesn't want to do that either.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see but if you think of any other possible positive answers for me to keep telling myself I'd love to hear them.

I am sorry the little one fractured his arm. My S when he was 10 went down a hill, over a bike ramp, and flipped over the handle bars of his bike, and landed on both arms and broke them both, and had casts on both arms up to his shoulders. He was being so brave, I didn't think even one was broken at first. After 3 hours at his doctor, who sent him to the emergency room, and seven hours there, and being pumped full of drugs, and only wimpering when they kept sticking his foot to find a vein, it was on the way home, when we got him something to eat, and he was trying to feed himself and dropped it and he started crying, because he couldn't eat. We had to do everything for him, from the bathroom, to feeding him, bathing him, like he was a baby.
Oh, and he still went to school, only missed one or two days.

But I probably shouldn't tell you that, you might cringe at what little boys who jump on beds may do when they are ten years old.!!!
But, he did "retire" the bike ramp.

He sounds like he has anxiety built up so much in his mind, that he's scared of doing it. Like maybe he is afraid after all this, you may reject him, or it won't be the same at first. Sometimes, I wonder if my H and I jumped back into it too soon, but it was a 180 for me to never reject him, so I felt I needed to. Maybe it will just be spontaneous one day, and he will just grab ya!!
I know it hurts you, but you are strong, you can make it.

L

Yikes!! Mmm I dread to think! In fact I dread to think what S2 will do next time we say we're going out. Last weekend we had to cancel because he came down with a really bad cold then this weekend he's fractured his arm - I daren't suggest another night out!

I know I really do think this is what the problem is but I have suggest that is what it may be to H and he says its partly that but not just that. But then he doesn't go on to say what the other part is. I don't know why they have to bottle everything up so much. I think he knows by now I won't reject him! I've hinted enough! I know what you mean about jumping into it too soon - that can be a problem I know - but I feel like H and I have reached a stalemate now because there is no other way for the R to improve other than slowly starting up this issue and really nothing "new" has happened for about a month now. To me the whole idea of piecing it back together is to gradually get better and better - not get better up to a point and then stay like that. I don't know maybe I'm still being too impatient but he's been home 9 1/2 weeks now and I'm only really asking for a proper kiss right now.

I got a valentine's card from H!!!!!

hope you do reschedule your night out.

Wanted to share something H said to me regarding why he isnt' affectionate w/me. We do ML, but other than that I get no ILY nor kisses nor hugs.

He told me he is still scared that things will go back the way they were, that if he gives affection it will be like loosing control again and that I will use sex as a tool.
He doesn't feel he can trust again to give himself and put himself on that vulnerable position again.

Just throwing this out, and remember inpain, we've been together for almost 10mths, and still he is feeling this way. Why? because for too long our SL was weak and that he felt I used sex to punish him, which in a way I did. Remember, it takes a while for trust to come back. I also didnt' get much the first months, easy does it, it will get better, it seems he is trying, give it time friend.

Hi Cat nice to hear from you again.

Hmm that is VERY interesting and good that it comes from the mouth of a WAS. I wonder if that is what is bothering my H. It seems very likely, thank you for the insight. This whole thing never ceases to amaze me how from an outsider's point of view they would think that us LBS's are the ones who need to build trust back up yet it seems to be the WAS's who need to even more than us.

I think he really is trying yes. He seems genuinely sorry that the whole sitch is upsetting me and is being very understanding - he says this is because I'm being understanding to him. So it seems we have both learnt a lot from this hiccup in our M as I now like to think of it and are both really trying to approach things differently. We have both slipped into old ways a couple of times when we have been really tired but appart from that we are both different with each other. I know that when the rest is sorted out we will be so happy.

It does sound like your H is trying.
I have really high hopes for your M.
L

Well the 48 hours thinking time to answer my question ended last night. I decided to play it really cool and didn't ask for my answer or mention it at all. When I said I was going to go to bed H grinned. I asked what he was grinning at and he said are you waiting for something? I laughed and he then told me his answer.

It wasn't anything scary (hooray!!) It was really what I already knew - that he wants to take things slowly. He is afraid that he might feel uncomfortable or it might not feel the same and what that would do to the R - that it might spoil things. H is worried it might spoil things!!! It maybe sounds wierd but it was so lovely to hear that he doesn't want things to be ruined. We talked about it quite a bit and he promised me we would get there - PROMISED!!!! He also said it wouldn't make him leave if he did feel uneasy - he would just work it out with me. WOW, WOW, WOW!!!! I really think I can say that my D is busted! My H who wanted to D me 9 weeks ago has made me a promise and we can talk things through rationally, he is caring and loving and is making it clear he really wants this M to work and for us to live happy ever after!! H I love you x x x x! (still not saying it to him just yet so I'll post it here)

I know you are relieved, and the way he went about it showed he was really thinking about it and didn't let the 48 hrs come and go without noticing.
It doesn't sound weird at all, it actually sounds sweet.
I think it's busted too, I am so happy for you, I have a tear or two.

L

Oh thank you L!!

I am relieved yes. It's funny I didn't think H could say anything that would make me feel we would be OK - thought it would have to be actions but today he has.