I guess I still am ow. I want out. MM has been so helpful to me, I feel so cold-blooded to say "I don't need you anymore.'
The truth is, I do need him, I need him to understand, I want a chance for complete balance in my life. Having a SO who is married, not to you, is a guaranteed lack of balance.
I feel so bad for jerking him around. I'm not doing it on purpose. My emotions are jerking me around so badly I sometimes think I have multiple personalities.
But I wonder, how much would he put up with me if he were a single guy. He's pretty 'cool' and I imagine would have lots of options. I wonder where I woud fit in in that scenario (if he were a single guy).
He approached me at the right time in my life, weak enough to go along with a plan I would have otherwise found unacceptable.
I'm not blaming him, and I don't want others to. I want perspective. I want to be able to worship God without obsticle. I want to understand how something I have always considered 'out of the question' became a way of life for 2 yrs.
I am sorry if I'm asking to much or aking to unclearly. I want to chat with people who won't judge and bash, but won't tell me it's okay to continue with any justifications that can be thought of.
I wish I had good advice for you. Just want to say I'm glad that you want out of that unhealthy relationship. Good luck to you and good luck to MM's family.
You already have the answers. If you were in a relationship with a man and had created a life, would you like every chance to have it work? Your life goals most probably are to be in a healthy committed relationship. Do you want another person to be involved with this man, in a deceptive lying way? Half truths and secrets? Selfish and shortsighted? You have your own answers. Good luck with putting them into practice.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Quote: I want to be able to worship God without obsticle
The "obstacle" is quite likely not going to move. This is your test. God does not always move the mountain for you. But you can rest assured He has made available to you every single thing it will take to walk around it, scale it or move it yourself. If it were not so, the obstacle would not have been there in the first place.
Quote: I want to understand how something I have always considered 'out of the question' became a way of life for 2 yrs.
I am a believer that had an affair and I used to ask a similar question. How could I do that? Moreover, how could God "let" me do that? The truth is that I made a choice to walk into "willful sin" but God being the merciful God that He is, has been true to His Word and when I turned away from that sin and back to Him, He took what was meant for my destruction and He is working it for my good in some truly amazing ways.
You want real answers to why you're in your present situation? My guess is you'll find them in the mirror just like I did. And what you find there, if you look closely enough, is what'll drive you to your knees.
But I wonder, how much would he put up with me if he were a single guy. He's pretty 'cool' and I imagine would have lots of options. I wonder where I woud fit in in that scenario (if he were a single guy).
There are a lot of great, single guys out there. And if it's the right one he's going to make you 100% number one (you won't have to "share him" with another woman), and he'll love you for your strengths and weaknesses. Go into some therapy and find out why you don't feel good enough about yourself that you don't think you can do better. Don't waste any more time. You are (or can be) more valuable then that... and find a stable, healthy, relatively baggageless single guy who can love you 100%.
But personally, I think even no man is better then the mess of a married one who's dealing with the disaster of a dysfunctional marriage/family. At least it gives you the opportunity to come across a more promising and healthier relationship without wasting your time.
I also suspect that whole situation has only pulled you down and made you feel worse about yourself.
I hope this doesn't sound like an attack or bashing. You sound like someone who wants a better life. It's a new year... maybe time to start a new one, and new relationships.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I was just wondering if you would give us some more information ? I gather from your previous thread that this has carried on for two years ? Were you M or in a relationship at the time the A began with your past friend ? What was the situation like ?
