Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again how to keep calm and patient??

Can any veterans on here help me with staying calm and patient whilst peicing. I am finding it really difficult and have been in tears in front of H every day for the last four days and crying on my own for the last week and a half. Things are going well except for:

H says he isn't ready to kiss even let alone ML (he doesn't even know why he isn't)

H doesn't know how he feels about wearing wedding ring

He says he hasn't moved back for it to fail but won't say he's back for good no matter what


H is starting to feel pressured re SL as it is the only thing left to sort out really but he can't even reassure me that it will happen eventually. I know I need to stop how I'm feeling or I am going to drive him away but I can't seem to do it. I'm a wreck. I feel worse than when he first left which I think is because I feel closer to him now than I did then because we are getting on great. Because I feel closer I'm more scared of losing him now.

I see that a lot of you have been doing this for a while and seem to be handling it excellently. How do you keep calm and patient when it isn't going at your pace?? How can I stop stressing about H not wanting to come anywhere near me? He says its not because doesn't find me attractive. But that worries me more because what if it is some reason that cannot be fixed??

Inpain .. listen, you need to back off as soon as possible b/c you will drive him away.

Take it from me, my H left me in June for 5 days, came back and didn't want a D, things were great but I was too emotional expected things to just be back to normal. I didn't even dream that H was going thru his own emotional stuff. Then, 2 months later, H left again - this time moved out.

He said things got too difficult. He thought, forget this - why would I want to come back to all of this emotional mess, unhappiness, etc... BUT .. finally H is making his way back home, but we are taking it REAL SLOW. It is tough b/c I want to ML and everything. H doesn't say ILY each time we talk - only once in awhile.

My point is .. let him set the pace. It is normal for him not to want to ML or be affectionate at first. He is testing the waters to see if this is the right decision, so this is your time to shine. You need to be upbeat, positive, and happy. I read today, what makes a man attractive to a woman is a woman that can make him feel youthful (doesn't mean date someone half his age), wants a woman that is sexy (not just looks but attitude - one that has confidence and feels good about herself), and wants a woman that is playful (happy, sense of humor, etc.) You need to be that woman. Get yourself together!

I hope this helps

Hi ALH 3247 thank you for replying I really need help. Everything you say makes sense and until I got all emotional this past week I have been doing as you say - being confident and playful and sexy etc. I appreciate any advice you can give on how to remain calm when having to take things at someone elses pace. Also for example he is at work right now and I haven't heard from him and I know this is probably because he's too busy to text me but I'm panicking its because he wants to leave and now I can't sleep!

The thing that helped me through all of this was really understanding that I have NO control over anyone but ME. Once I focused on ME and making ME happy, H came around. Nothing you do can control H...and honestly, his pace will be 100x slower than what you think it ought to me or even what you think it is.

Let him drive the reconciliation. Focus on YOU. GAL/PMA is the way to go....

SD

Inpain, I can sense the anxiety and panic in your writing. Some have the ability to quell it with mind control as SD points out. She rightly tells herself she has no control and it helps calm her. I convinced myself of this as well and it helped me to relax.

I understand that some need stronger intervention and that's where AD's and IC's come into play. I've never taken antidepressants and I don't believe they are the cure all, but I've heard a lot of people on here say how much they helped them initially get control of their emotions which in turn helps them rationally think and act through this process. Have you talked to your Doctor about what your feeling?

OMG YES !!!! You won't believe how they will help you. I am dealing okay this time around (this is my second round of A's with H) but the first time, I needed major help. I only took them for about 3-4 months and a relatively low dose but they made the world of difference for me.

It definitely does NOT take away the problems but it sure helps you sort through things a heck of a lot easier. Helps you to be more rational, less emotional - I for one am not the pill-taking kind but they sure worked for me

Thank you all so much for your posts with suggestions to help me. I really appreciate it.

I think I was managing with focusing on myself as SDfoundgirl suggests for the first weeks of reconciliation but now that H and I are doing more things together and sleeping in same bed it doesn't seem to be working because I feel like we are back together which obviously we are not completely yet.

Absolutely right Astimegoeson. I am in total panic all the time - I worry about everything I say or do with H in case it makes him want to leave. I haven't seen my Dr. I'm not sure what IC stands for. However, you have reminded me that someone suggested I get these herbal tablets you can get over here that calm you down when the bomb first dropped but I couldn't take them at the time as I was still breastfeeding S. Now that I am not I think I might get some and see if it helps.


After all I will only need to take them until H looks like he is really here for good and starts to be more intimate right? Then I think I'll feel more secure. That is the saddest part of this reconciliation stuff - I used to feel so safe and secure in my M and with my H and now I don't - it has all gone - I cannot trust him with my feelings or my heart and this is a man who held my hand through very painful IVF treatment and now I wouldn't trust him to hold my hand to cross the road

Hi IP

OK - meds could help but I know many GP's in the UK are reluctant to prescribe them.
Wold it be worth you having a look into yourself and your childhood/teens? I don't want to sound like a nutty professor but some of the roots of my neediness were in my childhood, and all of my low self esteem. What helped me was individual C sessions - if you decide to go this route look up on on the BACP website, they charge about £35-£50 an hour, but I found it was well worth it.
This is tough on you and I'm concerned you're not coping well. You know t needs patience, you have GAL and you still panic. IMHO this needs to be addressed cos - and I hope I'm wrong - it looks like H may not be able to give you enough reassurance, do you see what I mean? He will recommit fully to the M and ML, but will you still be happy after that? Your trust in him has been severlly broken, it's a MAJOR shock and I KNOW what it's like - I went through the same, in fact when H recommitted there was a point I wasn't sure I wanted him back - I nearly became a WAW myself. My forte was anger, I can be quite a firey person and I got C sessions after I thumped H at a party (not my finest moment). But I wish I'd done something about the anger before it got to that. Thank God I did do something.
So I suppose I'm saying it looks as if you're struggling like everyone does in piecing, but in you it manifests itself as panic and dwellign on the negative. Please see your GP, they can arrange C sessions on the NHS too. I had a couple of those and the lady was very good (but I felt a bit weird going up to the docs and saying I was there to see the Mental Health Worker!!).

Good luck and do keep posting - these boards are a good way of lifting you up too, can't do any harm to stick about!!

Hi Jen Jam and thanks for your caring and helpful advice as usual.


You're right about the childhood link. I was bullied a lot from junior school right up to leaving comp - verbal not physical but I do think it has contributed a lot to my not feeling like I'm good enough/pretty enough etc. I also think this is why I'm so freaked out about the intimacy thing. I think that because I was name called about looks, being clever etc I started to believe what they said and thought no one would ever want to be with me so I really think that I see ML as being really told I'm loved and attractive. Maybe you're right about getting some C about it.

I think I'm coping worse with this than with the separation at the minute which is bizzare! Again you are right - H cannot give me enough reassurance right now. We actually had a huge row last night and both shouted and both had quite time to ourselves and I actually think it did us both good. I think we both had so much pent up tension from our individual problems with piecing that we both just exploded! H initiated making up before bed time again which is such a major difference from before - he never ever wanted to make sure we didn't go to bad cross when I always did. He has been a lot more loving today towards me - touching me and quite a few kisses. He did admit he can't give much reassurance though. I feel quite a lot calmer today so I hope it lasts.

Yes even though there was no A its like the trusting of them with your life and heart and knowing they won't hurt you has been completely wiped isn't it. I would love to feel safe and secure with him again and wonder if this ever truly comes back to the extent it felt before?? We'd been together 10 years before the bomb....wonder if it takes 10 years of them not leaving again to feel that safe? Do you feel you have gained any of your trust back with your H??

Interesting question....my H didn't have an A at all, no OW involved like you BUT there is still the trust issue.
I feel now that I have done all I can to save myself and my M, to create the kind of M that we can both share feelings and concerns in, in which problems are discussed until a solution we are both happy with is achieved.
Right now, H is happy with that too.
I am learing to trust myself too - that I won't mess it all up and that can be quite hard (trusting myself I mean). I look on it as I did while dieting - one slip up doesn't mean the end of the diet, you just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get right back on track.
So - do I trust H? Well, if he cannot be the kind of man who will be happy in this M, ie won't voice his concerns or approach me with problems as well as with the good times, then I don't really want him. Of course if it ended again I would be upset but I now know that I have done all I can, and to be honest if I can't have an R with my H I will be OK. I want H in my life but I no longer need him. It took me a long time to learn that, but I feel better for it. It feel far more loving as well to want H rather than need him, I feel like I love him more, or better, now.
SO do I trust him? yes, right now I do. I hope that will continue but I cannot see into the future but I am better equipped to deal with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune now, so I'm not scared anymore.

Finally - the bullying. Name calling is hard, I had it for a bit too. My main problem though was my Dad - I was never good enough, always disappointing him. I needed C sessions to get beyond that. I'm not fully over it but I can recognise the negative "you're not good enough" voice in my head now and challeng it. This is somethign that goes on every day. One day I may fully get over it, in the meantime I can cope easily.