Wish I could offer advice but I feel the same way. I did good for almost 3 weeks then yesterday AM I called him and just lost it. I am trying to tell myself that I can just move on and I apologized for the blow up. I do find that exercise is a huge help. It helps you to burn off some of the anger and aggression. Also journaling helps and one thing I try but am not good at is to rehearse what I will say. My H says the same things that yours does won't move back because it may fail. My reply is how can you tell it will fail if you don't move back and see what happens.
Me 45 H 51 married 15 yrs D 13, S's 10,8 bomb 1-06, moved out 3-06 filed for D, 7-06,10-06,11-06,12-06 3-07, asked to try again 6-07 D on hold D process restarted 10-07 now trying to reconcile!
Hey, IP, I can understand the feelings you are having. I always felt not quite good enough, because I was bullied by a group of girls in school. When I fought back, I got punished. I hated feeling that way, and this whole sitch makes me feel that way, too. I, too felt that a man's attention made me feel more like I belonged. It is a blow to your self esteem to have your H not desiring you just yet, but take heart, he is coming around in so many ways.
I agree with Jen-Jam about the IC, to help you with those issues, and you can usually schedule the appts. so they are not so often, they cause a financial burden. I so much like going to see my C, because he can decipher some of the things that got me and H to where we are, and because he has seen so many examples of this, he can give great advice on what I can do.
I think you two are doing well, just slow down, it'll happen.
I am feeling quite a bit calmer the last couple of days. A lot of this is because I can really see H trying and he seems to be getting more touchy. Another of my goals has been reached today too which has made me so happy.......H HAS PUT HIS RING BACK ON!!!!!!!!!!
I really need to do as you all say and try to relax more about it - things are going well and mostly I'm just panicing because of my own silly thoughts. Like tonight H left for work and his kiss seemed as though he didn't really want to. The worrying side of me has started thinking something is wrong even though we've spent all day together and it has been lovely and H has put his ring on and been much more touchy. The sensible calm side of me is saying it was because he was rushing out to work. I know the reason is because he was rushing. Wish my brain didn't have this silly pessimistic side!
That's great!! I know that is another load off your mind. Maybe it was because he was rushing, but he did kiss you and wouldn't have if he hadn't wanted to.
About the pessimistic side of your brain, my optimistic side of my brain used to be more developed than my pessimistic side, but now the pessimistic side is struggling to become more dominant, and I fight that side off for the most part, but not always. Possibly it isbecause you had such a lovely day, and then you have to give him (his presence) up for the rest of the day, not knowing every moment what he is doing, so you worry about it and get to thinking too much. I do it too. It's hard not to, but I try to push it aside and think of something else to keep my mind busy.
Breathe deeply and remember you will have him again when he gets home, and you will have another lovely day tomorrow.
Just caught up on this thread of yours. I hope you're feeling much more positive today with your goal being met.
Don't pressure H about the SL and reassurances. This is normal as all the others have said. I have a feeling that things between JG and me might be the same once this turns around for me. Your H is attracted to you, the other feelings just overwhelm him for now. So patience, GAL and PMA, time and space are the way to go.
You know this already dear!
Come here and vent and find some other outlet. Yes, definitely consider going to a C if you have old childhood issues to sort out. But also, DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. If it's dressing well, or working out or talking to your best friend or playing with your kid or watching your favorite movie...Do it!
You are great and ALL THAT!!
love, rainbowlove ----------------- JG is coming back to me and we're going to have a family. Positive thinking!
L you are so right that my pessimistic side comes out when he goes. You have made me realise it is every time he goes to work and I know exactly why that is - because he went to work on bomb day and although we'd argued the night before I thought it was just that and he came home late and said he was late because he'd been thinking and had decided to leave me. I think everytime he goes to work my memory reminds me of that horrible day and it makes me feel nervous about him coming home and saying the same thing. Completely silly really. I guess it will just take time.
It will take time, time we all have to have if we are to be successful. When he is at home and things are going well, you just never know when they go away for a time, what mood they will be in when they come back or what has happened while they were gone, so your emotions are all mixed up. The focus is so much on them, and making sure they never get upset with us. That's why we have to detach somewhat, so we can take most the focus off them and put it on us, just for the sake of staying sane. I fight with this daily, and am trying to get the emotional strangth together to do some more "outside the house" changes. I live in the burbs, but everything I could possibly want to do is nearby, but it's hard to want to do anything that takes the focus off our M, but I am beginning to realize I have to, really. Don't you still meet with the mommy's group? Perhaps you could invite some of them over for tea, or go to the park, just getting out in the fresh air could be helpful, and put some roses in your cheeks. You are doing well, really.
Hi L thanks for keeping checking on me I appreciate it.
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The focus is so much on them, and making sure they never get upset with us. That's why we have to detach somewhat, so we can take most the focus off them and put it on us, just for the sake of staying sane
Yeah I know what you mean. I even worry if I make him a cup of tea and its not quite right. H laughed when I told him and said as if he'd leave over a cup of tea. They just don't realise how much of a confidence blow it is to have someone you love leave you do they?? Its hard to detach when you're piecing have you found that too?? I am still meeting with the mother and toddler group - in fact I go to two different ones now.
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I live in the burbs, but everything I could possibly want to do is nearby, but it's hard to want to do anything that takes the focus off our M, but I am beginning to realize I have to, really.
what sort of things do you have near you to do? It is hard to do anything other than try to sort out the M, you're right its like trying to forget about the most important thing ever.
I know, because my H will say that the coffee I made him was not just right, and what did I do differently, and I wonder why he has to say it. He just doesn't get it. Yes, it is hard to detach, and I want to and plan to, but then the thinking about him starts and I just can't seem to do anything and before I know it, it's time to get S from school, then get things ready for dinner, and H to come home. I am thinking of finding a support group for spouses or probably just for women going through this, not a divorce group, but one where we could talk about our problems, and things that have worked with our Hs, a place I would have to actually drive to each week. But I wouldn't know if there were such a thing, much less where to find it.
We have a couple of gyms near, shopping, anything you could want to shop for, parks, dining, everything from McDonald's to barbecue places, to tea shops, coffee shops, etc. But except for occasionally going to one of the many grocery stores, or to the great giant WalMart, or to get H or S clothes, or to church, I don't do much. I am going to get it together, though, really I am.
I am glad you still go to the mother and toddler group, or rather two groups, I know it must help you a lot. I am sure you are making lots of friends there. And you S is probably making some little friends of his own, and probably has some little girl who is just gaga over him. The little girls loved my S when he was that age, but he just loved to chase them around and around the room or playground. He was a doll when he was little, still is but then he looked like a little blue-eyed, blonde haired angel.
You know it's funny that my H occasionally will mention something he wants to do to our home in the future, so I hope that means he wants to be here, but when I comment and ask him some questions about something to do with the future, he gets a little scared or something, and backs off. Does your H do that?
Very Crazy is right, it will take time. I remember when H recomitted and told mee he loved me etc, I still had my shoulders up (you nkow that tight, tense feeling) and thought i would get it wrong again. I still worry. It just takes time, in fact each time we disagree and come through it get a little more sure. I was thinking about this today...this time last year H was leading up to a second bomb (which I got end of March). I know in the back of my mind I am still thinking of that and I need to get beyond March before I will feel that little bit more secure. Then next milestone is Sept 5th - the first bomb (when H actaully moved out). Once I have passed these I think it will help. They say when you have a habit to break it takes a year to go through all the differing seasons/times of year etc before you can truly consider the habit broken. In that case I am going to be pretty much on my guard for the rest of this year.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
