Quoting Stephanep: I am totaly at peace with the way I am. More so than I have ever been. But it also seems sad to have reached this place. Like it could very well be the end of my relationship, but that I no longer care enough to make any effort?
Ironically (and often expressed on this board), you are reaching the end of the old R ... no longer trying to hold on to what was once was. You are transitioning into the last stage of detachment and starting to feel the true results of working on yourself and will soon be prepared to work on a new R when the time comes.
Michelle wrote in her book that in working on yourself, you will achieve a state where you no longer feel the need to persue and is willing to let the S go. When the WAS senses this, it often triggers a pull to attract them back to you.
So just do your own thing for a while, Steph ... relax ... take a breather ... but keep a watchful eye so you can notice any changes that may come about.
Not sure if i WANT even a new relationship...not if it means with the same woman/person she is now. It's not that she is a bad person...I just have had enough of her...I cant say personality, but perhaps her traits...no, that's the wrong word too ???? Anyways, I could list everything that bothers me, but I wont. She is who she is and I am who I am and I cant see myself working so hard for the rest of my life. One should be able to be stress-free, frustration-free and able to live MOST of the time without walking on eggshells!
I have come to realize that that is the way I have lived for a LONG time. It's like I am repeating her very words here...strange .
it is strange how we suddenly become "alien" ourselves isn't it. know that there is no such thing as an effortless r. every woman will have "traits" or "quirks" or "things" that you don't like. walking on eggshells is no fun, don't concern yourself right now with the r what is was is or what it may be... that is not something you can do anything about right now...right now be you and be happy being you... when and if w decides she wants to work on the m then you will have to make the decision if you would like to or not. you may, you may not, don't worry about or think about it til you are faced with that descision, unless of course you know for certain that you truly don't want her. LL
Ok, rough evening last night! I had d for the evening...as always when she is spending the week at mom's. Called my wife to check on d's needs for the week (bathing suit for the sitter ?, Clothes to pack for the rest of the week...daughter stuff.) Wife was not answering her cell. No biggy, I leave a message. Go to friends' place for a visit with d, before leaving (bringing d back to Mom's), I call again to see if she is there: No answer. Leave another message! It is d's bedtime soon, what shoudl I do? I told her where I was and that I would soon be leaving and if I got no word from her would simply bring d back home with me, give her a bath and put her to bed if still no word came! 30 seconds later, wife calls atr friends, is frantic, saying she is on her way home, that I should bring d to HER place. So I do.
Once there, I make a very calm and polite statement: "In the future, just let me know if you will be out later than usual so I know what to do with d...didn't want to show up at your place, you not being there, and wait in the car for you, not knowing at what time you would be coming back." She freaked! Says "I dont need to report to you, you weighed me down with your messages, I was planning on being home in time!" WELL, I had no way of knowing that! Told her I couldn`t care less where she was, what she was doing, who she was with, just that I could NOT bring daughter home to her if she wasn`t there. She said she called my place but I wasn`t there, I said I checked my messages before calling her...she didn`t leave a message. WHY? She couldn`t even tell me! So I left, again removing myself from the drama!
She called back later in the evening, I acted as if (all was right). She seemed to feel sorry enough, but I couldn`t care less. Her over reaction proves again that all is not right with her. I do not want to be involved in all this! She seemed down and all, but again, she just frustrated me with all this drama! I cant even state a concern without creating a huge fight??? I was simply stating a concern and was very carefull about HOW I stated it! I'll be damned if I cant even tell her how I sometimes feel!
So, Santa parade on Sat 30th and I dont have d, but asked wife if I could spend the evening with her. She said sure "Do you mind if I come too?" I told her that was up to her! I am not even gonna invite her, she is welcomed but I will plan no more "family time", she can plan and invite me...but other then that ???
From what you wrote, I can see your concern. I don't have kids myself, but it's very reasonable to not to want to bring D home when Mum isn't answering the phone and obviously not there.
It does sound like she's having some 'independence' issues. Perhaps she's feeling more pressure in regards to her independence since you backed off. Perhaps she now realizes that as a single parent she won't be able to come and go without it affecting your child. And therefore may be taking it out on you even though it's her choice.
I know you don't want to waste time trying to get into her head. But I wanted to tell you that you are being reasonable in my eyes. Just in case you needed to 'hear' it.
Have you considered telling her that in your opinion she over-reacted? That you put your daughter first over either her needs or yours. That you don't appreciate her treating you this way?
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: I know you don't want to waste time trying to get into her head. But I wanted to tell you that you are being reasonable in my eyes. Just in case you needed to 'hear' it.
Its not about being right or wrong, reasonable or not, its about her being able to take a small comment, given in a polite and calm fashion and not freaking out and making a huge deal of it! I have grown very tired of that aspect of our current relationship and it DOES NOT make me WANT to spend any time with her.
I have expressed my desire to take our daughter to the Santa Clause parade, I did NOT invite her, I will not, but she has expressed the desire to be there. That`s fine. I am looking forward to it, but NOT if she is going to act like she has been acting! Then I will need, AGAIN, to be the one to remove himself from the situation and I do not wish to do so!
I know, I know, I may very well have a great time. But, and this is very hard for me to admit , now I am having a hard time simply being around her. I shall need to be very positive and up beat and "act as if" on that particular evening!
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: Have you considered telling her that in your opinion she over-reacted? That you put your daughter first over either her needs or yours. That you don't appreciate her treating you this way?
Oh yes! Put my hand on her shoulder and calmly said "Wait up, dont over react here, it was simply a comment, on how we should comunicate better." Her reaction : "Dont touch me!". That`s when I said "Have a good night, we'll talk soon." and left...like I said, she called back later, but I had worked very hard at putting all this behind me and did NOT feel much like satrting all over again. She said "I know you were only trying to call a truce (?) but...to use one of LL's favorite phrases: bla bla bla.
LOL!!! ya it does end up being a whole lot of bla bla bla doesn't it.
believe it or not steph you are right were you should be now... letting go... at first it is with anger and ya just don't want to be around the person... then you reach a point were her moods wont effect you at all and you wont need to "remove" yourself because there will be no reason for it...you are doing just fine!!! LL
Hi Steph, Also she was acting out based her expectation that she needs to be defensive (perhaps out of her own guilt) . Seems to me that she worked herself up during the drive home ... preparing herself for you to blame her for not being there and expected you to be arguementive and decided to beat you to the punch. You caught her totally offguard by your calm demeanor. GOOD WORK!
As you continue to avoid any aggressive behavior (yours or hers) , she will start to feel less of a need to be confrontational.
Says "I dont need to report to you, you weighed me down with your messages, I was planning on being home in time!" WELL, I had no way of knowing that! Told her I couldn`t care less where she was, what she was doing, who she was with, just that I could NOT bring daughter home to her if she wasn`t there. She said she called my place but I wasn`t there, I said I checked my messages before calling her...she didn`t leave a message. WHY? She couldn`t even tell me! So I left, again removing myself from the drama!
, now I am having a hard time simply being around her. I shall need to be very positive and up beat and "act as if" on that particular evening!