Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

I would definitely like some suggestions on this one too - my H tells me all the time that during the A he thought sometimes very guilty for what he was doing but other times he said to himself that I was strong and could handle it and it wouldn't matter because I didn't need him like OW did - how do I compete with that one?

I have tried to give him examples of how I need him in my life but he keeps telling me how strong and independent I am (which, by the way was the things he loved about me when we got married - go figure!!)

Hey, something I might know something about ;-)
I too wanted my W to need me and felt that she didn't. She is so independant, self contained, etc. I would love for her to need me. Of course, I don't want a clinging vine or helpless girl; I just want her to want me and need me occasionally.

How would that look? I guess if she discussed her problems and feeling with me, and really shared. I wouldn't have to try to fix them. This is a new revelation to me. Before, I would have said something about having a problem and wanting me to fix it, and then being appreciative. But I've put her in a dilema: I want a strong mate, but I want her to need me. So now I think, I want to know she wants, needs, to share her burdens with me and sometimes asks for help.

I want to be needed. Don't women want that too?

But, HW, your husbands answer about not feeling guilty sometimes about the A because you are so strong smacks a lot like rationalizing (excuses) to me. That's not a good reason.

You know, at one point my wife, unknown to me, was trying to save our M. She became very appreciative and showed her thanks in words and actions. I loved it. I was sacrificing for the family (lots of long hours and lots of travel) and it was really nice for her to notice. Too bad I didn't pick up on all the meanings and too bad I didn't respond the right way. Oh well. Hopefully I'm getting a chance now to make it up. someday.

I don't think he meant to be cutting when he said "not feeling guilty sometimes about the A because I am so strong" but I actually told him that was just his way of rationalizing and it was an excuse, NOT a reason (like there are any ligitimate reasons?).

I know what you mean about wanting to be needed. I have NEVER EVER heard my H say, in the whole 18 years we have been together, that he needed me. He's always told he he doesn't need anyone (which I think is pretty sad)

People are human, they need to be needed and they thrive on it. Its all a part of being human (although sometimes I wonder if my H falls into the "human" category)

My X-SIL just called me up. He wants to go through with the paperwork for his divorce but my Daughter doesn't want him to know where she is so I told him and her I would be the go-between. She is still very bitter about how he treated her (some 8 years later) and it makes me cringe. I told her not to be so vindictive and to let things go. She got VERY upset with me and I thought to myself "if only she knew what I was going through and what I had to forgive, she would think her marriage was a piece of cake". But I won't burden her with my problems and just bit my tongue.

I just have to find where that balance is between being "needy" and being needed

HW...
I think your question is so complex and look forward to reading others resposes,,,, oh yes women loved to feel needed ,,,of course.
I think of course there are generalities that could posibly applied and then there are more needs and wants that are more personal.
If anyone knows of any good books regarding this subject I do believe it would help HW tremendously (and myself ....)and alot of others here.

HW all I can say to you is you are one STRONG Woman.... my H has left 2 times and it took me for a loop!
.... you seem to deal with this soo much I give you sooooooooooo much credit for hanging in there you are stronger than Most.
We are all here for you as we all stand for becoming better human beings and hopefully in the process saving our M's as well.
All my love and blessings go out to you.
God bless....
Ali

Thanks Ali - it seems strange to hear someone tell me how strong I am (other than H that is) when I don't feel like that at all.

It's been a very tough road and I am hoping I can come out on the other side of this a better person. But more than that, I want to save our R. We have both agreed that we have invested too much time not to give it our all. However, we both know that might not be enough either. But, if it isn't, at least we will know that we tried and have every intention of remaining friends. I hope I can refer to him as my loving husband again one day instead of thinking of him as the man that ripped my heart out twice. I know that sounds brutal but it is exactly how I feel right now.

I have good days and bad, like we all do, but it seems lately there are more bad than good. I just want all this hurting to stop.

And, yes, I would be interested if anyone out there has any books on the subject of needy vs needed

HW, I've seen some of your posts on other's threads too, and I'd like to comment,because you've touched on a topic that is important to me; namely, why are we the ones doing all the work and where is the understanding of how we feel, let alone gratitude.

For starters, reading around, it seemed that some LBSs were very willing to be total martyrs and accept all the blame and take pride in how selfless and pure they were. Maybe that's true for some and maybe it works for some, but it didn't work for me. (I've always had a problem being a martyr anyway. As a 180, I need to be more overtly selfish).

When I was just starting on this journey, I had some wise advisors who would hit me over the head with 2x4s whenever I felt that I was getting the crappy end of the stick and thinking too much about how I was the harmed one. I think I needed those 2x4s then, although I felt I just wanted some support and acknowledgement that I was hurt too.

So, I am glad in a way to hear people like you talk about how we have some dignity too, and deserve some consideration.

But, I think it's easy to overdo. At least in my case, I think that my W must have really been miserable for her to do what she did, and she must really be afraid of returning to that misery if she can't find a way to commit yet to the R. I don't understand all of her misery. I don't think it justified what she did. But just because I can't understand it doesn't mean it's not real for her. This has to be really hard on her too. I'm guessing that it's hard for almost all of the WASs. Maybe, in whatever way, it's very hard for your H too. Maybe he's facing some serious questions about himself that aren't too comfortable.

But still, we deserve medals, and a parade, and some affection.

Your comment about having more bad days then good lately is an important reminder to me and others that when you start piecing, the stich doesn't magically become wonderful. It's probably even harder. When my W was away, I was surprised by how strong I was. Now that she's here, it seems harder in many ways. When it was clear cut - she's gone, get over it and move on - it was somehow easier. This stuff, and maybe especially for you, is very ambiguous and confusing. And sometimes I think we probably ask ourselves if it's worth it.

By the way, my W said I was too needy. I've read around here that is not an uncommon complaint toward the LBS. I don't think it's totally justified, but there is some truth to it. Need is tricky. The MC told us that he felt I wasn't needy, but maybe over accomodating. Just had a thought about neediness; I think I will try to not ever NEED her again or need to be needed. It seems sad to become so self contained and self sufficient that you don't need anyone. It seems the opposite of initmacy. But I'm going to give it a try and see what happens.

Got a little long winded here, and still have more to babble about, but I'll quit now. Hang in there HW. I've heard that we learn more from pain and challenges than from happiness. Think of all you must be learning!

Thank LN for the post - it is nice to hear from those that are a little further along than I am, just to get some perspective as to what I can expect (maybe?)

I try to understand where my H is coming from. I know he has a lot of issues, and ones he is uncomfortable with, but I also know that he wants to change (and that is a BIG plus going for us) but doesn't know how. Hopefully with the help of the C we will be able to do that together. At least he is willing to go, I know a lot of others on here can't get their S to cooperate in that department. It seems the latest development in our situation is the C is going to be looking into the possibility of my H suffering from PTS (post traumatic stress) from an accident we were in 3½ years ago - which sent him into an extremely deep depression (ending with the second A). C has talked about using CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) which basically changes their way of thinking - something the C has said H needs because of some of the other issues he is dealing with aside from the A (adoption, depression etc)

Here's hoping we have found some type of relief, I am getting exhausted and don't know how much longer I can hold on here

Just an update on my sitch

This has been a VERY long week for me. Seems I have been down all week, no matter how hard I have tried to get out of the slump. Last weekend was a total write-off. H spent most of his time with his male friend, how wasn't feeling well; I had trouble with my computer all weekend and was ticked at that because I need it for work; we didn't get to talk to the C on Monday (which I was looking forward to) and then H worked nights and me days so we didn't get to spend any "talk time" together. So, needless to say, I am feeling a little stressed right now.

I need to vent but I don't want to take it out on H so I'm here. However, I do have to figure out how to quietly express my emotions to H too.

One positive I have is H is reading some of the books I have brought home from the library and one of them being the "7 levels of intimacy" (which we have a MAJOR problem with in our M) so that thrills me to bits. He even said he is finding it to be the most interesting one and got me to renew it because he said he would like to take some time to "absorb it" - baby step right?

Heywyre,
Your H reading the intimacy self-help book seems like a significant positive!

How are you doing with self-care? Are you finding time to do activities that you enjoy or find meaningful? Do you take a break from responsibilities and problems? Are you cultivating connection in your life?

These types of activities often seem absent from your posts. Are they occurring, and are not posted, or is this an area for improvement?

CL

Hi CL - yes, I am doing them as best as possible but I am sure there is always room for improvement

We moved to a new city about 5 months ago. We had been a horrible accident severla years previously so my ability to work full-time at my profession (paralegal) has been sharply disrupted and I have had to seek alternative employment (teaching the legal program at a local college/university). Unfortunately, my contact with the "outside world" so to speak is limited to the students (who are by far way to young for me to socialize with, and inappropriate to do anyway) and the only other staff on that particular campus (since it is off campus at an annex) is two men that teach the electrical courses - hardly something I am interested in, besides they are male and I don't want to go there right now for obviously reasons.

So making new friends is somewhat of a problem for me at the moment. I have been doing "my own thing" with basic hobbies/exercise and things I like to do but the company of other people would be nice. I don't have the time to join any clubs at the moment, working fulltime and living in a very rural area where most of the activities are during work hours, so that is also a challenge. My main "outing" in the evenings, if there is any (because I am usually too exhausted) is to the library. H works nights so my activities usually don't involve him anyway.

I am doing the best I can with what I have but always hoping to improve.