Chrome, I hear ya man. Right now, I am stuggling with dealing with the thought that MrsGGB would rather deep six her sexuality than face it and come to terms with it. Lately, I have not been feeling much like ML because 1)I end up either rejected or feeling incredibly guilty for asking for LM, and 2) I worry about getting her pregnant, as she is being extremely PA about not charting her mucus, temps etc for NFP. She's made it clear several times in the past few months that most of the time she doesn't really feel like ML but does to keep me from "getting angry".
Well... this is where blackfoot's advice may come in handy.
Like I said, my BF did not take one brick out of my wall. What he did do was stand down there, looking up at me, telling me how pretty I looked, would I like to come down?
ME: Uhm. Maybe. You sure are cute.
So he climbed the brick wall, we had massive make-out sessions, we'd talk, him on one side of the wall, me on the other. Then he'd climb down and go about his business.
Meanwhile, I'm up in my castle, cleaning, doing laundry, floating around in my chemical haze, waiting for him to come climb back up my wall for another make-out session. So on and so forth.
But I could tell it was getting a bit exhausting for him to always climb up my wall, and I'd peer over, watching him down there, playing around, having fun, waving up at me. So one night, while he was all nestled, snug asleep, I took down a few layers of my wall. I'm sure he noticed the next morning, but as he is a gentleman, he didn't say anything. His smile just got bigger, his eyes just got a bit brighter, and his hug was a bit longer. Nothing for me to feel ashamed of, nothing for me to 'defend.'
So at night while he was sleeping, I'd take down more layers of wall, 'cuz man he looked like he was having fun out there in the world, and I sure did want to go out there with him. There were even a couple of times I'd try to scale down my wall; but as I don't climb so good, and I'm still afraid of heights, he'd wake up in the morning to see my azz hanging over the side, looking stupid and inept. But true to his form, he never brought it up. He'd just look the other way while I scrambled back over my wall and got busy cleaning my castle so I could regain a bit of my dignity.
And that's how it continues to go. My wall is low enough now that I've even jumped down and had him catch me a time or two. (Not that I like it all that much, but he is very strong, and it does feel good to be there in his arms... so... I get over it)
I stay out for longer and longer periods of time. I look back at my castle... still run back to it from time to time, but it is lonely in there, and no one can live there but me. Out there, he is waiting, and so are a lot of other folks who like to see me out in the sunshine, where it is warm.
He is kind and gentle and firm. When I hit a boundary, I know it. He doens't bark at me... but I know it. So I back off. We disagree, certainly, but we don't fight.
It is certainly not a perfect R, though I know I am making it sound so. He has his own walls, believe it or not, and I've had to do some experiementing with my own behaviors to see if I can help him in return.
So for you guys... what blackfoot is telling you has a ton of merit. When you make yourself so appealing to a woman, when you are secure in that lovely man form of yours, when you exhibit the traits and attitudes that are attractive to a woman, she climbs out. You have to be consistent and patient. Not for the reward, mind you, cause then you come across as fake... but you get so solid in your purpose and sense of self, she just can't help herself.
Corri, one of the issues we are having now is that she seems to have set aside all that she is, and is instead trying to be what she thinks everyone else wants her to be: best mom, best wife, best cubscout leader, best churchlady etc. After trying to do all that, she doesn't see room for her preferences. Naturally, this setting aside herself has created quite a bit of internal conflict, and I think is at least a significant contributor to her depression (which she refuses help with). How do I encourage her to put her needs first?
Ironically, my SEC said many of the same things about how to treat my W as your BF appears to be treating you. I was just never able to put that advice into the context of being "manly." I definitely appreciate you sharing this perspective.
Perhaps, if you are able and willing, you could share an experience that illustrates how your BF is able to ...
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When I hit a boundary, I know it. He doens't bark at me... but I know it. So I back off. We disagree, certainly, but we don't fight.
I think that is where I have always had the most trouble, both in setting the firm boundary, and not barking when the boundary is tested.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I worry about getting her pregnant, as she is being extremely PA about not charting her mucus, temps etc for NFP.
Is it possible for you to get the snip to prevent pregnancy issues?
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She's made it clear several times in the past few months that most of the time she doesn't really feel like ML but does to keep me from "getting angry".
Perhaps here is where MrsNOPs advice to HD about trying to make it come across not so much angry, but "I'm tired of this"-regretful would be helpful. The first few times your W may just see it as a mask for the anger, but eventually she hopefully will see it as honest.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quite honestly, I'd go back to another ME weekend. In your current context, she obviously cannot hear your concern about her being 'the best' at all the roles. That would/will burn anyone out.
Attack this issue the same way blackfoot and Cobra are encouraging Hairdog to address his issue. Steady, calm, continual, don't back off when she balks... come now, friend, you know the drill.
Yeah, I'm pulling for another WWME weekend. So far, she's diggin' her heels in. Perhaps I need to change my tone a bit to something more along the lines of remember how good things felt after we went to WWME, I'd like to get back to that place, and am thinking maybe another shot at the weekend might do us some good. And then just let it sit, bring it up once in a while the same way.... I've tried to get her to do the dialog thing they teach, but she's been extremely PA about it. Always maybe later, or if we do she kind of clams up.
I do know the drill, its just that I'm weary of always being the one to provide the motivation, KWIM. I'm trying to take your post to heart and figure out a way to just be hands off and be patient. We kind of have the deck stacked a little against us, being both first born type As, both Pisces (not that I put much stock in astrology, but one of my friends from college, also a groomsman at our wedding was big into that and told us that we were a bad combination...that has never really left my mind), and both a little of introverted.
I have been lately doing a better job at GAL. I've been good at getting to the Y to work out, and am starting to look purty good if I may say so myself , and she's noticed too. I'm also starting to do more things outside the home, inviting her but then going anyway when she balks, and doing better at taking the lead when we do things like going out to dinner.
Thanks Corri. Still scratching my head a bit on how to become more "manly" without being pushy in the context you cited. I still have issues with pent up resentment now and again, and am trying to figure out how to do away with that without putting any of it on her.
That was very lovely of you.
, and she's noticed too. I'm also starting to do more things outside the home, inviting her but then going anyway when she balks, and doing better at taking the lead when we do things like going out to dinner.