One thing I really have to work on is simply validating. When she starts in with how much she doesn't believe me, or my changes aren't real/permanent, I have been making the mistake of trying to point out where I have changed, how far we have come and how things are improving.
When I defend myself it just leads to a conversation about past things, how we have been trying and its just not working, how she has tried before but we keep coming back to the same point. These conversations wouldn't happen if I would just let her say what she has to say and not respond.
Is there ever a time where its safe to respond or does the need to even address the "you're not really changed, I know you" issue just go away with time?
C_L, I will definitely keep practicing. I'm really not sure how it gets started, I've been thinking about that since reading your post. I think sometimes it is started when I notice something is bothering her and I ask, that leads into it. Or sometimes she just comes out with it on her own like a few days ago. She said that she noted how hard I had been working and making changes..., but....
And then away we went on another roller coaster ride. Its really hard to hear her say she sees the changes then say, but they won't last because I know you and you won't change.
If I defend myself it just gets worse and I'm afraid that if I don't try to point out some good then all she will see is the bad. I don't know what to do with this one.
Does it just pass with time? Meaning, if I leave it alone, let her say what she wants, keep doing what I'm supposed to do, will she eventually see it for herself?
Tyler, Does she say these things because it is true? Were you untrustworthy in the past?
Counter her statements afterwards in your own mind. You don't have to accept what she says at face value. Debating her serves no purpose at this time.
You have a R to work on at this time--be grateful for that. If you continue to make and maintain positive changes for yourself, it will have a positive impact on the relationship, and her anger will dissolve.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I wasn't untrustworthy so to speak. I didn't trust her and accused her of cheating..., a lot. So in that context, she trusted me with her emotions and given her background, ie; severe sexual abuse, that was a huge step for her. In that way, I was untrustworthy, she now says that she can't trust me with her, that I will hurt her again.
I know that I can absolutely trust her. I just can't say it because she doesn't believe it, and that starts more of the conversation about how she just can't get past old feelings and resentments.
I was reading in COG's thread a post about Emotional Abuse and how it might be necessary for her to talk about this a lot until she has worked her way all the way through it for things to get better. The post also mentions something I've done that is a big no-no. I've listened thinking I was validating and then said, "in my opinion....". Big mistake.
If you or anyone else has any advice regarding how I should handle things in repairing the damage done through emotional abuse, please help.
Most of the books and articles I've read on Emotional Abuse talk about yelling, screaming, threats and such. I never did that. I just questioned her every move and doubted her intentions. This went on for a period of approximately 10 years or so.
I don't know why either. I've been in therapy and we have discussed this a lot. The therapist thinks its due to my line of work, starting as a investigator tracking cheating spouses for several years really screwed up my perspective. I'm past that, although I do struggle sometimes with old mental patterns, I have refrained from any verbalization of that stuff for quite some time now.
In all honesty, the only time it does come up is when I'm defending myself. I try to point out that I did do that, but I'm not now. That has backfired every time.
Last 2 days my W has refused to wear her wedding band. Its really hard to deal with, what should I do?
I can't believe this is happening. I asked about it yesterday when I met up with her, our kids and her friend with her kids to do some post-Christmas shopping. I noticed she wasn't wearing it then. Her answer was, what's the big deal? This morning she left with D12 for church, I'm home with the sick ones, she had all her other rings on BUT that one. I asked again, and she said I don't have time for this now but you need to know I'm serious about this.
WTF???
She will be home in a few hours, what should I do? Don't say anything about it again?
I really can't believe how much something like this can hurt. Right when you start to see light, then something goofy happens.
Tyler, You're going to need to work on acceptance of the state of your M and the emotional state of your W. You're overly invested in having a certain outcome and scenario at this time.
She's communicating something to you and the world at this time. Are you able to listen in a nonjudgmental manner about this topic? If not, then don't pursue it.
I wonder what she means when she says that she's serious about this. Serious about what? I think you will get your answer eventually.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Tyler, Scary words! Her mistrust has been a theme, for as long as I've been reading your thread. Your goal at this time is not to make things worse. You want to be able to look back and see that you did no further harm to the relationship.
You're going to have to go along for the R ride. The crisis will end, and your R will be in different place. You will need to accept the crisis, and the next phase of your R. If you fight it, you will delay the healing and progress.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
This just sucks. She called after I posted my last post. She brings up the ring issue, asking why I was so surprised earlier. I told because I thought we agreed to work on things.
She said, "I have never wavered, you know what I want, I have nothing left for you".
I have no idea where to go with this now. What a wild ride this has been.
