Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Mojo is 42

I more or less sort stuff like that into different mailboxes when it comes in. I have a separate mailbox for passwords,pins and usernames. The mail directory gets copied to the new computer when I upgrade computers. The computer from 3 years ago has been twice replaced since, but the emails are still there, at least the ones I didn't trash.

Care to come and "streamline" my desk? You know it's bad when the workspace in front of the computer is several weeks deep.

I save all my login and pw stuff in my Palm pilot, some of it encoded. I've got dozens and dozens. I have a low-security pw and a high-security one, and try to use those often.

LOL. I gotta tell you guy's that I honestly didn't think about it either way. I wasn't trying to achieve anything with what I said. Anyway, it occurs to me that my H is really just caught in his own trap. He doesn't want to link sex and love so when he didn't want to have sex with me, he thought the fact that I was moderately overweight was a good "reason". Now that I am less HD in the relationship, he is taking it as an ego-blow because he knows that my big objective turn-on would be intelligence in a man. This is totally irrational, however, because clearly his intelligence doesn't vary like my weight and if he was smart enough for me to find f*ckable 20 years ago, the same is still true today. Actually, now that I think about it, the fact that intelligence in a man is my objective turn-on is probably why I am so consistently HD. Any guy who could make me LD in that objective way makes me that way within the first two minutes of conversation.

Babbling on...

Okay, my H is right to think that there is something that is turning me off in our relationship. I'm not manifesting LD behavior at the moment but that is only because:

A) Sex is as easy as falling off a log for me and I am perfectly capable of enjoying "casual" sex, even if the person I am having casual sex with is my H. It even has an upside for me due to the whole "stranger in an elevator" no inhibitions vibe.

B) I refuse to manifest LD behavior for both practical and moral reasons that are pretty close to the reasons why I won't have an affair. Having an affair is like cheating on your homework and manifesting LD behavior is like not doing your homework because you don't "feel like it" or really a more accurate description in my case would be not doing my homework because I no longer care about my final grade.


Okay, so what is turning me off in my relationship? As I said in my previous post, my number one objective turn-on with a bullet is intelligence in a man. That is really what I was trying to convey in previous posts where I said that I don't care about physical appearance. My preference would be to f*ck a man with an IQ of 160 who looked like the Diet Coke guy but I would rather f*ck a man who looked like Fred Mertz and had an IQ of 160 than a guy who looked like Diet Coke guy and had an IQ of 100 (all other things being equal- there are intelligent men to whom I am not attracted). Now, my H is an intelligent man (good-looking too) and that hasn't changed over the years but something about him is turning me off. What is it?

I think that the problem is that I see his unwillingness or inability to do a better job of meeting my needs/wants in the relationship as a sort of mental or emotional laziness. The problem isn't that he is lacking in intelligence; it's that he's unwilling to learn new things. He's acting kind of like a variation of CeMar. Now I wouldn't want to be married to CeMar or have sex with him but I don't feel anger towards CeMar like some on the BB, I feel sorry for him because I see his mindset as a sort of mild autism of some sort. Most of the time lately, I find myself feeling sorry for my H but I feel sorry for myself too because I'm married to him. You know that common LD defensive statement of "What would you do if I was paralyzed from the waist down? Would you want to leave me then?". That's what I feel like. I feel like the woman who is married to the man who is paralyzed from the waist down. Guess what? It s*cks and yes, even though I feel this way I still want to leave him and that fills me with guilt.

Another example would be I feel like the guy who is married to the woman who won't have sex because she has a poor body image because she is overweight but won't do anything to lose the weight either and she feels justified in not doing anything because she got a note from the doctor that says that she has a slow metabolism. Does that guy feel HD because he's not getting any or does he feel LD because his wife is fat? How does he justify leaving her when she's got that note from the doctor without feeling like a bad guy?

I get that intelligence is a turn on for you. It's true for me as well. But in a long term relationship, would an intelligent man who is emotionally abusive still turn you on? I think what you are saying here is that the real turn on is being cared about, loved, and treated nicely...and that is really healthy.

Hmmm.... I would like to say "No Way! I could never be turned on by an emotionally abusive intelligent man." but I would be sort of lying. I could have sex with Dick Cheney and it might even be pretty smokin'. The true healthy thing I might say would be "I would choose to leave a relationship in which I was emotionally abused even though I was still turned on by the abuser's intelligence.". That is I HOPE that if I was functioning on a healthy level I would be LD for such a relationship even if I wasn't LD for the sex within the relationship. Actually, what I really should say is that I would hope that I could assert myself or create boundaries in such a relationship that either the abusive behavior would stop or the abuser would leave.

Ok, I am beginning to think that we don't want to acknowledge that we are HD for an abusive relationship...but this makes me LD for sex, while still keeps you HD for sex. I've caught up to you because I found a way to be HD for the sex through fantasy. I think I am getting healthier though because I am craving more kindness, respect, peacefulness, etc. and I sense the same is true for you.

What IHJ said.

Mojo, when you were talking about your H, you focused on his intelligence and his looks as if those two things were his only salient features. Hel-LO! What about his mopiness, his sour attitude, his way of attempting to bring you down when you're up, his lack of emotional support, his toying with the family security and your sanity by threatening to quit his job whenever he gets in a "mood"-- I mean, you can call him "abusive," and maybe make a case for it, but you don't have to go that far: he is just unsupportive, immature, and a general drag to be around EXCEPT during those few moments when he comes out of himself (like at the mortgage office). But can you reliably COUNT on him to come out of himself on a regular basis? To me these things are a lot more relevant to whether you would want to stay married to him than intelligence OR looks.

Why have you reduced him to only those two things and left out the most important: being a guy who appreciates you and whom you can count on?

I don't think that this is exactly true. I'll definitely admit that there is a little (okay more than a little-LOL) Sylvia Plath-like "Every woman adores a Fascist, / The boot in the face, the brute / Brute heart of a brute like you" ...- in my sexuality but I think just recognizing it goes a long way towards putting it into context. Makes me able to think "So what?" and realize that I don't have to be in a sexual relationship with a pirate; I would be just fine with a nice guy who was willing to put on a pirate suit to meet my sexual desires. Just like I'd be willing to wear a French Maid's costume metaphorically.

The problem with my relationship isn't that I feel like the victim of a pirate in my relationship (though this was the case previously). I am actually pretty good at demanding respect these days. The problem isn't that my H isn't a pirate in bed. Pretty much he is and that is why the sex itself has always worked for me even though the sexual relationship hasn't. The problem is that he is not "willing" or maybe "able" (that is the question) to be anything for me. If I ask him "Will you be a pirate for me on Saturday night?" his response will be some variation of "Maybe if I'm up for it. Don't count on it.".

My problem is that I can't get my head around what part of this is my f*ck-up or failing. Part of me believes that my problem is that I did exactly what I vowed that I wouldn't do- I built him a handicapped ramp to my p*ssy so now I view him as handicapped. If this is the case then that is "my bad" because obviously I am treating him with disrespect in order to maintain my own identity as "nice person". What is the fear that makes me deny that I am really a greedy demanding sl*t? Clearly it is related to the fact that there is a slight(LOL) negative connotation to the phrase "greedy demanding sl*t". Probably I should leave my H and post a personal describing myself this way- "I am a greedy demanding sl*t so please do not reply to this ad unless you are prepared to bring it on regular-like. Pirate suit not optional.". I think that is the problem with most personal ads- they are lacking in brutal honesty.

Yes. That is what I meant by the problem being that he wasn't "willing" or "able" to be a pirate for ME,ME,ME.