Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

You know, I'm not sure I can ever fully, 100% trust my husband.... I think more than trusting him I have to trust that this has happened twice now and can always happen again. Instead I figure, I need to be strong, independent and have a life of my own. I basically try to love him unconditionally, accept that he has had this weakness and hope he can develop better character... and also hope he'll be smart enough to realize that long-term, unconditional love is a rare and valuable gift that he'd be stupid to throw away... but I know there's no guarentee. Is there really ever any?

Next week my H has to travel to where OW is (for work) and how can I be 100% certain he won't run into her, deal with her or develop feelings for her again. I can't. But I've also realized I just don't want to waste my life agonizing over this. Instead I'm going to focus on me, my kids, my friendships, my relationship with my husband, and just live my life best as I can.

Ahhhh yes, detachment - such a LARGE word isn't it?

I know I shouldn't complain. We have come so far in a relatively short period of time (which is NEVER quick enough for me) but at the same time I keep saying "if he really, really wants to work on this, why does he keep sabotaging it?"

But I have to stop second guessing right? I have to stop trying to figure out HIS mind when I can't even figure out what's going on in my own.

I still wish I could be put to sleep until this was all over with.

I am reading a new book now (trying to give myself a break from the infidelity-type ones, which are great but they can't get to be a little much after a while). This one is called the seven levels of intimacy. This is something H and I have been struggling with for as long as I can remember, but particularly since the A's. When we talk about intimacy, he automatically thinks "sex" and that is the last thing on my mind. I have tried to explain to him that it can include sex, but it isn't "just sex" - he can't seem to sort that one out.

I am hoping he keeps up with my suggestions and reads this book too, it is a very good insight into intimacy and the connections with not only your primary relationship, but all the other ones in your life too

My interpretation of intimacy (and this book seems to mirror it) is, you just have to break the word intimacy down - in-to-me-see

It is basically allowing someone into your space, into your world, into your heart, mind and soul. H seems to be scared to death of that for fear I might be the devil and steal his soul

Yes detachment.... I've finally realized how important that is in any relationship. We just can't depend on others for our own happiness or fufillment and there's a big difference between knowing that and living it.

Now intimacy... that's another topic.... I can understand people having trouble with it. My husband and I struggle with as well. And obviously affairs only make intimacy more difficult to attain.

HW,
You liked my idea that his checking the personals might be good? Wait until you hear this next one! ;-)

First, even though I think you are piecing, maybe you need to step back and practice the techniques from before you were piecing; GAL, PMA, etc. Also, no expectations, focus on yourself and what you can change, ... those kinds of things.

Second, maybe piecing is harder than the alternative. Wouldn't that be funny. We get our S to start working on R, and it turns out to be harder and more painful than before?! Keep your strength up. I think you (and I, I hope) are in for a long, hard journey. But you got to believe what they say about good things being worth the effort.

Lastly, and I'm just playing with this idea, don't know if it's any good, I think I got it from a book but I don't remember which... maybe you should let go of your idea (expectation) of what love and your R should be like. I think most, if not all of us, subscribe to an Ideal of what love is. No matter how mature we are, or smart we are, I think we harbor this ideal in our heads and when the R doesn't match it, we think something is wrong. Maybe your H's ideal is different. Maybe you and he will build something that is different than what you think it should be, but just as good.

And lastly, lastly.... I'm guessing that if you feel that he has to please you and make things up to you, or he needs to meet your standards or expectations in some way, he might not feel like making much of an effort. I know some of the infidelity books make it seem like the person who had the A should do everything they can to fix things, but I've found it doesn't work that way (even if it should! ;-) ). Are you setting goals for him, or tests for him to pass? I'm guessing that won't work.

What do you think of those ideas?

All good ideas LN, and I am pretty much doing all of them

"Are you setting goals for him, or tests for him to pass?" - as for that suggestion, I have never set any goals for him and sometimes I think maybe that was part of the problem - just letting him run rampant. He said one of things he liked about me was that I "grounded" him. I don't have any expectations at this point, I am just trying to get through day to day.

The part that seems to irritate me the most though is that WE are the ones that have been wronged and WE are the ones that seem to be doing all the work - hardly seems fair wouldn't you say? And besides that, After WE do all the work, there is no guarantee it will be worth it. I know that sounds like sour grapes but I can't seem to help thinking that way right now, it just seems like it is me doing everything and he is just standing by hoping to reep the benefits.

I am just so exhausted right now I can't seem to even think straight. We go to the C this afternoon so I am looking forward to that. All weekend was exhausting - he spent most of his Saturday and Sunday with his male friend - and left me at home to do housework, laundry etc. etc. He works 2-3 days a week and I work 5, plus evenings, trying to keep a business going and teaching during the day. I just can't keep going at this pace and not collapse. I have asked for help but it lasts for a couple of hours, or a few days if I am really lucky, and then goes back to the same ole ways. He thinks just because he works nights, and sleeps days (while I am working) that is sufficient to sustain this R - well it isn't and I feel resentful about that.

Just another thing to talk with the C about I guess eh?

What about hiring someone else to do some of the housework and you plan some fun outings with girlfriends when he's busy with his friends?

Yes, I have thought of that too (I have to stop feeling so guilty about getting someone else to do my housework though - bad habit I have I know but I am VERY particular). I have spoken to H about us having more fun together, that is one of things we have let slip in our R over the years. Also, another big problem is that we have just recently moved and I don't have any friends here. I don't make friends all that easily so that just makes things a little harder. We moved here initially to help H with his depression so although I have family semi-close by, I don't have any gf to speak of and the work I do (sessional instructor at the college) limits my contacts with women (other than students, which are way too young for my liking thank you) and the only other instructors on campus are male (which I don't think would be a good idea right now - lol)

Things seem to be a little better today - H came to meet me for lunch two days in a row, he said it seemed like I was feeling a little "low" and he thought it might be a good idea to meet me (which I thanked him for. He said I didn't have to thank him but its always nice to hear it isn't it and know someone appreciates the effort you are making)

Heywyre,

There is much to look forward to. This struggle will make you strong, a better person, and help you enjoy life more. That seems so far away right now, but you will come out into the light again some day. Until then, just keep working on YOU! Take care of yourself. Join a women's group at church or an Alanon group(mostly women). Explore your hobbies, and do things that YOU enjoy doing. Your H will do what he's going to do. Put your neediness aside, be brave and be strong, and let Heywyre out of the cage.

God Bless,

COG

Thanks COG - that's what I am doing (most of the time, although its hard)

Unfortunately, one of the reasons H "strayed" was because of his belief he was needed at home, so now I think I HAVE to be needy for him to stay. I know that is not the answer but it still plays on my mind. We are going for C so that is a BIG plus. H has a lot more issues that we originally thought - time, time, time

Heywyre...

.... great point I had almost forgot that my H says this alot and I still need to fine tune this,,,,My H always Says I act like I dont need him too, how is that even portrayed? I feel like I need him too much and I cannot see what I do to make him feel like he is not needed,, I wish I too could change this and I dunno how?
I think there is a fine line between being needy and them feeling needed ... anyone have any ideas?