Howdy folks, Wow it's been a while since I've been here...new look to the boards and everything.
Well, it seems that H and I have totally switched sides, with him being the HD partner now. As much as it pains me to admit that (so vehement was I that our roles were written in stone), it's the truth. I alluded to it a few months ago but recent events have made it common knowledge at my house. What happened? I don't know! My drive has certainly dipped but not disappeared or anything. I simply do not have that air of desperation clinging to me anymore. When he hugs me, he is not met with panting, thinly disguised hunger any longer. However, I don't reject him. I am responsive to him (more on this later). I totally love sex and have a blast during it.
Things that have changed: I am most likely to be the Hug Breaker now. I'm having trouble feeling physical desire without actual physical stimulation. And the most funny to me: My need for emotional connection before sex has skyrocketed. LOLOL Isn't this a hoot.
I don't know if this is us playing relational leapfrog or if there is a physical component. After 25 years of menstrutating, it seems that I am now having a period every single month. Before I would maybe have em 1 or 2 times per year. Obviously this is bummin MrH out as well. Is my female wiring finally kicking in?
H has been throwing out a few comments here and there but not said anything direct, as is his style. Mostly he gets all submissive as he is initiating and, oh, how it turns my stomach. I couldn't stand it before but now...now...it just literally stops things in its tracks, for me. He will say things like "You're not really in the mood are you" (when I've just climbed into bed and he is obviously looking for verbal and/or physical signs to the contrary) or "You are too tired, I can tell" (huh? I'm wide awake!) The change is that, like I said, I'm not wearing my Desperation perfume anymore and he is floundering and flailing in its absence. So am I, really. We are in a state of transition.
Anyway, one night he got mad at me because he said that I was not responsive to him. I went over my actions mentally and realized that since my physical/mental flipflop I have been sorta laying there with the attitude of "Ok, I'm available to you but you will have to get me aroused if you want to proceed." How totally unattractive!!! And me of all people should fcukin know this!! So the next night I was much more responsive--or so I thought--and things were going nicely until he freaked out and refused to go further. He told me off, was mad the next morning, etc.
I was devastated, folks. This was new territory for me. I cannot believe how crappy the LD side of things is. The feeling of being judged and monitored. Of not living up to someone else's expectations. Of being in a mindframe where you just want to *prove* something about yourself. Of trying to "make up for it" by doing other non-sexual stuff. I was a textbook case and, even though I intellectually know better, I couldn't stop myself from making the classic LD mistakes. It was crazy. He came home that night and we made up and things have been good since. Man, I am hyper aware not to get lazy and seem uninterested. For him, I think he is just SO embarrassed that he reacted with anger after all the years of being on the receiving end of my sexually frustrated anger.
So, I find myself more HD as it is, once again, on the forefront of my thoughts. I really want to please my H, at my core, so I'm concentrating on being more of a giver and not just a taker. This has been one of my main goals over the years and I'm not sure how much I've actually changed in this respect. I'll have to ask MrH for his opinion. (since he's in a space to sock it to me these days, lol)
If I could change one thing in my M...right this minute...it would be to banish forever MrH's placating and/or PA behavior. I was not aware, before, how much this kills my attraction to him, so revved up was I on my own juice. Now that my juice seems to have vanished (I hope temporarily and, furthermore, it can take these monthly periods and dispense with em), it is becoming imperative that I not hear this stuff whilst under the gun to be sexually aroused. He even talks in this babytalk, high pitched voice when he's initiating. Gag. I know he's just nervous and, NOP, I have not forgotten what you said years ago: That he's a regular HD guy who has an initiation hangup/phobia. I know you are right but, dang, how to proceed sexually when I'm in bed with a babytalking toddler..?
Anyway, I thought I would detail the progress of our M, for those who might be in a similar boat. Our frequency is holding steady at about 2-3 times weekly but our roles have completely flip flopped. I can't say I really like it this way but it doesn't feel as unnatural either. I found BlackBud's musings about the burden of leading to be especially appropriate to my life and it prompted me to come out of lurkdom.
Oh, HP, how I've missed you! I comforted myself with the thought, "she's found her rhythm, and MrHP is steppin' up to the plate." Sorry to hear I was mistaken.
That LD bit of weirdness (for you) is certainly odd. I remember you had some strange pelvic pain for the longest time and that affected your drive somewhat, but it sounds like this latest is more mind-driven. Maybe think of it as an incredible opportunity to get the views from both sides of the HD/LD fence? Hey, I'm tryin', here.
I'm also tuned into the whole regular HD guy who has an initiation hangup/phobia thing, because that's where I've been for months. Years, maybe. If he suddenly makes a breakthrough on that, please take notes and report back to HQ.
I'm not telling you anything you don't already know... just kind of talking out loud here...
I've decided that, in order to keep my LD at bay, I look at sex and feeling sexy, and flirting and all those other HD type behaviors, as a discipline. Not so disciplined that it isn't fun, mind you... but there are times when I could get lazy and head back to LD land simply because my SO doesn't feel like initiating.
Of course I could get all pissy about this (not that you are), or I can do any number of things not quite pleasant... but I decided that when he gets that way (sorta p/a-ish himself)... I tease the hell out of him. Kind of like a cat playing with a mouse. Over the course of playing, my internal desire begins to kick in... and eventually, if I tease him so much... he does the whole natural male thing I so adore.
The comments Mr. HP is throwing out to you, in that VOICE... ewh. My condolencses. (HD? Spelling?) Maybe throw out to him... "honey, shut up and kiss me."
This is an interesting flip flop, though. I'm sorry you are going thru it, but I have to say a little gremlin in me is sort of satisfied on your behalf that Mr. HP is finally experiencing what it feels like. Don't like the anger part of his reaction... tsk, tsk. That can KILL desire for a very long time. Tell him to stop it.
Glad to see you round these parts. You'll be fine. (Of course you will, you know that.
Tryihg not to post too much on the boards...was just lurking and I saw your post.
I'm sure you've already done this, but just in case I'll throw it out there. If he gets in to that baby-talkin thing...flat out tell him when he does that all it does is make you think of needy babies, and that's not where you want your mind to go right then, tell him it's a turnoff...a BIG ONE.
Hairydoggie, "she's found her rhythm, and MrHP is steppin' up to the plate."
This is exactly what I thought was happening. Honestly his griping that I've changed caught me totally off guard. (how many LD folks have said that?? I'm ridiculous)
My body changed after I had D2, that's for sure. The pelvic pain never really went away but after all the rounds of antibiotics and eventual appendectomy I said fuggedaboutit. I figure it's probably endometriosis but there's nothing they do about that, and it's not bad enough for surgery, etc, so I have put it out of my mind.
No, what's more pressing these days is the fact that, in addition to the onset of official menses at friggin 35 yrs old, I have sprouted my first gray hair. I wish I could say that I gazed upon it as a wonderful rite of passage but instead it has me totally peeved off, LOL. I noticed it because my hair is finally growing back in after the stress induced fallout that happened twice in the last 2 years--first over MrH getting fired and then when my dad died. I thought, hey great my new hair's about 2 inches long, right on. Then I thought wtf is that, did I get baby powder on my hair? And then it hit me. Shudder.
So to answer your post: We are indeed plowing ahead with our new M, but I have had a bit of a reality check given to me courtesy of my loving H. (cough)
Hairydoggie, "she's found her rhythm, and MrHP is steppin' up to the plate."
This is exactly what I thought was happening. Honestly his griping that I've changed caught me totally off guard. (how many LD folks have said that?? I'm ridiculous)
My body changed after I had D2, that's for sure. The pelvic pain never really went away but after all the rounds of antibiotics and eventual appendectomy I said fuggedaboutit. I figure it's probably endometriosis but there's nothing they do about that, and it's not bad enough for surgery, etc, so I have put it out of my mind.
No, what's more pressing these days is the fact that, in addition to the onset of official menses at friggin 35 yrs old, I have sprouted my first gray hair. I wish I could say that I gazed upon it as a wonderful rite of passage but instead it has me totally peeved off, LOL. I noticed it because my hair is finally growing back in after the stress induced fallout that happened twice in the last 2 years--first over MrH getting fired and then when my dad died. I thought, hey great my new hair's about 2 inches long, right on. Then I thought wtf is that, did I get baby powder on my hair? And then it hit me. Shudder.
So to answer your post: We are indeed plowing ahead with our new M, but I have had a bit of a reality check given to me courtesy of my loving H. (cough)
Hi HP! I am in a similar place...H is pretty much the initiator, and I am relatively LD and go with the flow. Overall, I actually find this a good place to be. I'd like to feel my desire more, but I'm ok once we get going. And I am getting the chance to work on some more intimate connection.
There are times when my H wants to feel something more from me, and I know I need to work on this too. The other night we had a particularly weird interaction. H was cuddled up next to me, almost the way a little child would be to his mother, and I was thinking "ugh" thoughts. I assumed it would just be a sexless night, but then he brings up the fact that I never initiate. I had zero feeling to want to initiate under those conditions, and he challenges me. It was all very confusing and I felt sorry for myself in that moment. But I think what was happening was he needed a break from being the "leader" and just wanted to be wanted and was infantile about it. I didn't initiate anything because I don't want to reward him for what I see as regressive behavior. I do want to reward him, but I am not sure what that will look like.
I think I am ramblind right now and S12 is about to come home...just wanted to say I kind of get what you are going through.
Oh come on Corri. You forgot to add that your inner gremlin is also satisfied that I'm getting a taste of the LD side, too. I *know* you well enough to know that's true! lol
I looooooooove the shutup and kiss me line. That is so good! Would work wonders. I hate to take the lead (sexually) in any way and I really need him to work on that side of himself, but this would work. Of course, there is the little problem that when he starts talking this way I am way turned off and then to tell him to kiss me is to invite something that I'm not really prepared for yet, but the alternative (going to bed without sex) is not really what I want either. As you can see, I'm not really all that LD but I am definitely the more LD partner in the M now. Tease him....well, he wouldn't keep pursuing me. He'd just stop and be pissed off. Our whole entire marriage is based on me being ridiculously available and responsive so he can't wrap his mind around the fact that he may have to work at it a little. You are right in that I am not pissy or resentful of this change, but neither am I happy about it. I do not like being physically unresponsive but I do like that he's having to pursue me. You have to remember that he did not pursue me our entire courtship or marriage. I was the first to ask him on a date, the first to say ILY, the first to mention marriage...you get the disgusting picture. I'm appalled at myself, all these years later, but it just goes to show ya that people aren't fully "cooked"..it evolves over time.
GEL, Yes I've asked him to not do this but he persists. I don't know what else to do except holler at him (this always gets his attention) but I really do not want to do this.
And actually I'm more concerned with learning how to deal with myself in this new state than I am at dealing with babytalk in bed. I don't want to make it seem that I'm completely focused on MrH, I'm not. I was just pointing out that, in light of my body's changin, I'm having an even more difficult time with his tentative, halting, timid, unsure initiations.
Well, according to BF, you and I are right on time with our current changes in perspective so maybe he could offer some insight. I haven't flipped to LD but I would say that I am not really HD either but sort of in some limbo land where I can understand either perspective. I think the common denominator here is that you are reacting to a lack of manliness or perceived manliness from your H. You are just reacting differently. I can see this in myself because many moons ago back in my HD days, I might have reacted to my H's recent job meltdown by becoming more sexual rather than slightly less sexual which is currently the case. It might be due to some biological changes but it really doesn't matter what the underlying factor is in your change of modus operandi. You are still reacting to what you perceive as "bad" behavior on your H's part, you are just choosing to pick up a wee bitty stick instead of force-feeding him some humongous carrots.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Oh come on Corri. You forgot to add that your inner gremlin is also satisfied that I'm getting a taste of the LD side, too. I *know* you well enough to know that's true! lol
I have a gremlin satifaction over you getting a monthly period and grey hair ... I wouldn't wish LDness on anyone.
So you've gone through great growth as an HD lady. Your 'change' is going to bother him, to be sure. Hopefully he will understand that he is now facing his own growth (having to step up to the plate in the initiation dept), and not pull that anger stuff on you anymore. I hope you make it very clear to him that that must stop. It can be unbelievably damaging, not only to your sex drive, but to your psyche.
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Tease him....well, he wouldn't keep pursuing me. He'd just stop and be pissed off. Our whole entire marriage is based on me being ridiculously available and responsive so he can't wrap his mind around the fact that he may have to work at it a little.
I meant tease him in bed, but I can see where you'd still say that would piss him off. Wow, he never really appreciated what he had until it was gone.
Do you remember MHJ... shite, she's been gone so long now I can' remember her handle... do you know who I'm talking about? She was LD and she found her groove... I remember her saying to her H, as a way of explaining her own frustration to him over her LDness... "you think your frustrated... how do you think I feel? Here I am, a normal, healthy, sexually active woman, and then **poof** my sex drive goes. How do you think you'd feel as a man to have your sex drive go poof?"
It didn't fix the problem for her, certainly, but it did give her H an understanding of her plight, and allowed him to be a bit more empathetic toward her (helped him lose the anger).
That's the only thing I'd be worried for you over... the anger... the rest you will figure out in your determined HP way.
