Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Mojo is 42

Jenny,

Gee, I don't know. With all the changes she is feeling, I mean getting a regular cycle, feeling LD, and YIKES a grey hair , an alien abduction could be a reasonable explaination. I mean, she was even missing from the BB for quite a while. Makes a guy kinda wonder, huh? HP, you aren't going to go and have any critters pop out of your rib cage or something on us now are you?

Thanks for the tip on the emoticons.

Okay, I bounced back.

One further "bad" anecdote to illustrate whatever this issue is that I'm currently having with my H and then a "good" anecdote about what happened yesterday.

BAD ANECDOTE:

I was reading a very interesting book on a theory that directly applies to my own business. I was babbling about it to my H a bit and then I said "I'm going to go to the author's website and ask him a question about topic x which interests me.". My H's response, which came totally out of the blue, to this was a very surly "Why don't you get him to f*ck you too.". I was too stunned to reply to this for a moment. Then I just decided to treat his comment as if it was a rational question, so I opened the book and took a look at the jacket picture of the author, considered for a moment and then said "I think he's out of my league." and left it at that.

GOOD ANECDOTE:

I didn't really stay in my "I need to get out of this relationship" mood for very long yesterday. I find that actually starting to plan my "escape" is a very calming activity for me. Once I have it all worked out then I no longer have the urge to do it. (I'm sure HP can probably relate to this very Type 7 tendency.). So by the time my H came home I was in a pretty good mood. We had an appointment with the mortgage broker. On the way there my detail-oriented H double-checked with me that I had all the paperwork. Then he said good-humouredly "We have a couple questions to ask him right? You can handle that and I'll just sit there and look pretty.". It dawned on me then that the reason why it p*sses me off when he refuses to act like "the man" is that then I am forced to be "the man". It is the opposite of being validated for my femininity and being validated for my femininity is pretty much the best way of generalizing all those things other than "just sex" that I want from a man with whom I am in a relationship. (This also reminds me of how bummed out I got when the flirtatious old guy next door to me once said to me when I was mowing the lawn "Why don't you get your husband to do that for you?". I made some sort of joking reply but really I was sadly thinking "Because I can't get him to do anything for me because he doesn't want to f*ck me because I am unlovable or because he doesn't love me because I am unf*ckable.".)

Okay, here's the good part. We are in the mortgage broker's office and I'm just sitting there mostly bored with his salesman spiel. Suddenly, there is a shift in my H's demeanor and he starts asking the guy all sorts of questions. He even subtly put the guy in his place by making a joke about his office. I'm probably not doing a good job of explaining but maybe the women on the BB will understand what I mean when I say that it was "sooo cute".

Another thing that happened is that we were having a relaxed conversation about various scenarios regarding the mortgage and I brought up the possibility that we might want to sell the house when our daughter graduates in a couple years. My H's response was a worried "Why would we want to do that?". He clearly equates my level of willingness to sell the house with my level of willingness to kick his azz to the curb (Really he's not wrong to think this way. The house sort of symbolizes to me the bond that he almost destroyed during the fight when he told me that "We don't have a happy family life.") Anyway, this is a radical departure from his constant complaints about the house over the years.

LOL. I have a funny story I've been wanting to relate to the members of the BB who recall my old analogy in which my H was Mr. Wilson. My baby sister has a Type 7 personality and mannersisms like mine only more so. She is a criminal defense lawyer. Recently, during a trial, she noticed that the mother of her client and another woman were looking at her and whispering to each other and laughing. Thinking that it might be pertinant to the case, my sister asked them what was up. The client's mother somewhat rudely-LOL-said "I was just telling my friend that my son's lawyer is Dennis the Menace.". Of course, this is probably due to the fact that my sister actually has the nervous habit of twirling the hair on the top of her head into a little sprout, sort of the outward manifestation of our inward Dennisishness.

Actually, I think the "bad anecdote" shows how abso-frickin-lutely cool you are. Instead of a)crying or b)shooting him, you responded in a calm, deliberate, humorous manner. The only blackfootian criticism I have is, you should have said that you were out of the author's league, not the other way around. But that's just the blackfoot in me talking. I actually dig the self-deprecation.

One way of looking at it is that it was H's way of expressing jealousy over your interest in the author's message. Maybe he misread that as interest in the author himself (maybe after taking a peek at the author's pic) and he decided it was a good time to mark his territory, albeit by p!ssing all over you.

Hairdog, turning the "in" to "out" on his little psychiatrist booth.

Yeah, I'm cool but I wonder where that gets me. Remember my H would like to keep our relationship at the emotional level of an episode of Seinfeld. I think I might prefer the opportunity to be appreciated for being a warm funny bunny rather than something cool. I really wasn't being self-deprecating, just honest- that author was too hot for me to handle-LOL.



That's pretty much how I read it too. However, that sort of behavior pretty much makes me feel like I'm in a worst possible scenario from the POV of the cow analogy I posted on CeMar's thread. I don't get milked often enough (though it has improved and my production has gone down), I don't get carrots (no flowers on my Bday- boo hoo) and I get hit with the stick if I even unconsciously start walking away towards the fence towards the hinterlands where men who might actually have the initiative to milk me or give me a carrot dwell.

But my H's behavior was a positive sign of fence mending so I'm keeping my sunny bunny side up.

GGB,
I forgot my password. I filled out the email my password thing and waited patiently (ok, for like 20 minutes) and nothing came so I just changed my name. It actually bothers me when people change their name rather than figuring out why they can't log on as their old name, but no one ever said I was patient.

HP(t),

If you put the 't' in parenthesis, maybe it means your name is trademarked . Go find your old password!
We get so used to the automatic login, that when we are suddenly asked for the password, it is an instant deer in the headlights look. Fortunately, I still had the email with my password from 3 years ago, or I guess I'd now be GGBt or maybe GonnaGoBlinder or something.

GGB,
I wrote it down on an old phone company solicitation (aka junk mail) and kept it at my desk until we moved. It's GAWN my friend. As far as finding an email message from 3.5 years ago, are you serious?? Can people actually do that?
I should tell you that I don't have the same computer as I did then..
Anyway, my junk mail notation was working quite nicely until the move forced me to..ahem..streamline my desk.

Jenny you are quite possibly the only person on the bb who will GET everything I said above. LOLOL

P.S. I think you handled your H beautifully in the bad anecdote. That is exactly what you should do everytime. Every time girl. It throws his silliness back in his face and makes him see how dorky he's being, rather than causing YOU to act like a dork and actually take his bait.
Good job, way to go and good luck on the refi. I sorta rescind my new mental nickname for your H which rhymes with brothertrucker. My baby sister is married to a fat lazy pharmacist and that is her pet name for her H. Which is hilarious since the two of us would not say that word out loud to any other person in the world but have no problems saying it to each other. The point of this anecdote is to say that you have officially reached sister status with me.

The only blackfootian criticism I have is, you should have said that you were out of the author's league, not the other way around.

My take is what what she said is more blackfootian because she clearly doesn't think her H is out of her league. Ergo, author > her H. The other way seems almost placating...she's out of the author's league but not her H's.

I get it sister. My last computer is sitting in a closet just waiting for me to someday download all the photos and other junk I still want off the hard drive.



The problem with me being able to act cool is that I actually have to feel cool in order to do it.