Me: 40 H: 41 on 29/12 2 kids (D10 and S5) M: 14 yrs Bomb: Aug 12/05 (ILYBINILWY and ow) S: Aug 13/05
Broke up with ow about a month or two later.
In November, told me that he just isn't able to be in a committed, monogamous, long-term R. He wishes he could, but he can't. He's been in therapy approx. every two weeks since just before he left.
Now we get along well, and he told me yesterday that he "still cares for [me] very deeply."
Neither of us has made a legal move.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Hello my friend, Chappy had some great advice on your last hread--here is my favorite part:
Quote: There are books out there sharing that anger is the gatekeeper emotion, controlling all other roads. We have to feel it totally to get past it, to forgive. Or we may allow it to direct us to love ourself first and foremost. As an emotion, it is as unpredictable as the alien your life. You can not control the alien. You can not control the anger, if you want to become at peace with it. When we try to push it down and tell ourselves we can just get over it, we are lieing to ourself. We need to explore what it is we are really angry about and come to peace with that.
The only way through it it through it. Scream, stomp swear and let yourself go wild--who knows it may just help release some of this trapped fear.
Quote: So, I have a lot going on in my mind. I'm too conflicted right now to actually do anything.
I can relate with your struggles - being used "just in case", standing, letting go, hope for reconciliation, anger, fear, to file or not to file. I feel it's due to the fact that WE, the LBS can not control the outcome. We do not like uncertainty yet if we decide to take control of how our life will be, we are then afraid of making mistakes.
So, if you decide that it is over and YOU decide to file, can you move forward with whatever the outcome will be and never second guess yourself?
Then again, if you decide you will stay the course and do so for years and your H never returns, will you second guess your decision then?
Either way, we are afraid of making a mistake and there is no certainty with either decision. Before making any decision, you need to be ready for whatever the outcome and know that the decision you made was the right decision for YOU at the time.
Quote: Rick Warren says that life is a test, a trust, and temporary. As a test, every incident in our life is an opportunity to grow, to become better than we were before. As a trust, we realize that we have been given much by our Creator and are called to both protect and nurture what we've been given. And finally we are reminded that life is temporary. There is no reason to spend this precious time caught up in things that don't bring us closer to our ultimate goal.
To stand or not to stand. Hell, that's not really even the question. To live or not to live. That's the REAL question.
The above post from Bworl is really what it's all about. If you found out that you had a few days left to live, would you have any regrets? I'm not talking about the mistakes you made in your M because we all make mistakes as has your H, I'm talking about YOU. Can you say "I have lived my life the way I wanted to?" If not, what can I change so that I do not have regrets.
If you are uncertain, then just sit still for now. If your answer to file or not file changes from one day to the next, then do nothing right now. I'll repost FIB's questions below as I think they will really help you to decide what to do.
Quote: -what do you want to do with your life? can you do it while still M'd? -are there advantages to staying M'd for you now, outside of reconciling? -if you filed tomorrow, and H didn't respond as if it were an LRT, what would you feel? are you ready to go on with life without H? -OTOH, if you filed, and H DID come back and want to reconcile, are you ready for that?
We believe that we are living our life, but if that were true then why are we still unhappy? I think it's because: - we still hold onto hope that our H's will come back, - we are afraid that if we move on, we may actually be happy and not want our H back if they decide to come back - because our H still have a HOLD on us.
You say that you believe your H is not filing until his court hearing. If you believe this to be true then you will definitely know once the hearing is over with.
Sometimes I too wonder why we allow our WAS to decide how our life will be. Their decision to leave didn't make US happy. Will their decision to file make US happy? For that matter, will their decision to come back make US happy? YOU need to think about what will make YOU happy and then GO FOR IT. As I write this to you, I realize that I am writing it to myself too.
First of all I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post to me. It has been crazy at my house and I wanted a chance to re-read your thread properly before I responded.
So much is going on in your head and maybe you might be overthinking things just a little.
Standing for your Marriage is hard work and it can suck the life out of you if you let it.
As for the grieving process, it is something you have to allow yourself to do. This was the hardest part for me. I couldn't get myself to understand that the Marriage I had with my Husband for 20 years was dead. Gone. Finished.
I kept thinking that if I allow myself to think that then I would give up trying and would lose hope that maybe somewhere along this journey we could possibly reconcile.
I think I held on for far too long and refused to see that IF we were to reconcile then it would have to be a totally new and different relationship. And if we were to Divorce, then it would also be a totally different relationship.
I also got to a point that I was just fed up.
I wanted something to happen and after struggling for so long I was ready to shake him off of the fence.
I was tired of being motivated by fear.
Tired of watching my every move, and walking on eggshells.
I reached a point that for my own mental health a decision had to be made by my Husband.
I got the courage to finally tell him that I was ready to move to the next stage.
I was OK if he wanted to go ahead and proceed with the Divorce.
That it wasn't what I wanted but I was also tired of living in limbo and wanted the same chance to move on with my life as he had.
He told me that he no longer wanted a Divorce either.
I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, I just thanked him.
I know I am rambling here, and I am sorry for my lack of eloquence in my words, but I really do think that we are motivated by fear.
We lose ourselves in this MLCBS because we are so afraid that everything we say or do will be used against us and will push them further away from us.
I was tired of living with a gun to my head. I wanted to be able to speak my mind, be able to have a shi**y day and attitude if I wanted. I was fed up with my whole world revolving around his moods, his depression, his wants, his needs. I wanted to be able to laugh again and be silly and have some fun without worrying that it might piss him off.
The sad part in all of this, is that he has told me recently that all of the things I was afraid of doing are the things he wanted me to do.
He wanted me to be happy and carefree and confident. To be able to speak my mind again. It was again my own fears that prevented me from moving forwards.
The comment your Husband made to you about loving you is one that you must not analyze. Many times throughout the crisis I heard different variations of this.
I love you, I hate you, I will always care about you, I don't love you anymore, I only love you as the Mother of our children, blah, blah, blah!
Personally, I do not think you should file for a Divorce as it is NOT what you really want.
You just want the pain to end and to stop living like this.
Divorce will not solve your problems with your Husband, it will just bring you different ones.
Sometimes we have to just take a break from the situation and make a mental choice as to shelve our feelings for the day, or a weekend.
Turn off the phone, don't check the emails and live a little and have some fun. The problems will still be there waiting for you, but you may feel a little better to be able to face them again.
My situation now is very different and I am excited about my future. But I am also very aware of the fact that neither my Husband or I are the same people. It is a new relationship.
The old one is now dead, and now that my head is much clearer I can say that I no longer miss it, especially the last 5 years when it all went to hell.
Again, I don't know if anything I have posted makes sense, I had 2 cups of coffee this morning and have the jitters!!
Take care and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Just to let you konw I am still reading along. ISLH and BND gave great posts.
I am so mixed up about my future right now that I have little advice for you. But I will be thinking of you and hope that you seek and find what is best for you.
Great advice BND. I hope you don't mind but I reposted from your thread. There were four posts that spoke to me in volumes.
Nicola,
If you get a chance stop by my thread and read them, they really helped me when I needed it the most. Thanks BND!!!
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Hi Nicola, I can really relate to the restlessness you feel, wanting to know how it turns out, to have an answer. I think ISLH and BND both shared excellent advice with you. At this very moment I am feeling calm and happy, so oddly "OK" with the fact that my M is "in limbo" because there is a process going on and time is needed to sort it out and currently that seems appropriate and right. I encourage you to work within yourself through prayer, meditation, exercise, talk with friends, pampering and rest, reading - whatever will assist you - so that you can regain a place of stillness and peace within yourself before you take any actions.
I also have felt (many times) that I would like to file for a D just to push my sitch to a resolution of some sort. But the truth is, I do not want a D, I only want to start moving forward with some kind of decision, so I can map out a future plan. I like to plan! However, I have decided that I will only put energy into that which I want. Since I don't want a D, it will get no energy. So now I am focusing only on things that I do want, that will bring me joy, and I am setting aside (ignoring) the things I do not want by giving them no energy. Right now, what will get my energy is my school work, my home and my health. My H is doing what my H is doing. He has given energy to things that were/are destructive to our M. He now has to deal with that. All I have said to him recently about that (when he initiated the convo) was that he is free to go if that's what he wants, but that a D is not what I want so I will not initiate it. That I won't be difficult about it if he thinks that will make him happy, but that I remain committed to our M.
You are in a very good situation right now, Nicola, if you want to reconcile in your M. Your H has ended his A with OW, right? You have children, right? Your H is in therapy, working on himself. He is afraid he can never love again, that he is too damaged. That is normal, he is in a deep process of dealing with the damage he has done, and not liking who he is. How can he love you if he does not love himself right now? That will take time. Your H is communicating with you. That is good. You are really doing very, very well.
Can you find some compassion and patience for your H right now? Can you ease up on any expectations or demands you have of him (emotionally) for a bit longer and find some ways to fulfill yourself and grow which will not force your M in a "final" direction? We all have difficulty in the space of ambiguity and change. But that is where the growth and learning will happen.
Also, I have recently stopped the "walking on eggshells" with my H. I have maintained vigilance around my behavior, my words and actions, however, which I intend to do for life. I am calmer and more at peace, and less impatient, with everyone. Because H is confused and confusing at times, it is more work to be around him than most people. But I am not "holding back" myself - I am laughing, spontaneous, etc. and I have also confonted him when I have needed. This has been done differently from how I did it before, and after much thought. The Conways book "When your Mate Wants Out" has been the most helpful to me (other than DR) in finding peace and patience for my H during his MLC. I am also reading some Buddhist books now (Thich Naht Hahn and Pema Chandron) and they are supporting me in my becoming. I have discovered that my journey with H is my journey of my life anyway. I am not in a rush about my M because I have work of my own to do right now.
Wishing you love and peace this morning, Nicola
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Nicola, This sounds like great progress. You have gotten some really great advice from BND and ISLH. Some that I will take myself :)if you don't mind. Funny, having been in MLC myself I can say that time almost stands still while you are in MLC. Once you come out, it is like hail is falling all around you so for your H, he probably is going through a lot of different emotions. The best thing though is that he is talking to Y-O-U. Be compassionate but not a rug because he may flip flop a bit back to that old MLC way... this is going to take some more time and it is excellent that he has signed up for counseling.
As for you, continue GALing.You will need some distractions for those moments when he is rocky and also so that you do not seem as needy to him as you may have appeared to be. Remember, his recollections of days past will be foggy and sometimes more focused on what he did not like versus what was good.
I am proud of you and you are handling this just fine ... good luck and most of all GODSPEED.
