I am in the same situation. Bomb dropped in Oct. Since then it is just like your first post. H having his cake and eat it too. PA with OW supposedly changed to EA now due to my stupid request (couldn't detach then but I retracted my request later but for some reason he sticks to that (can trust him on this one since we're ML lots). However, he has not changed his mind about leaving me, he has only postponed his deadline from Dec to now, still in the house.
Readers, should I take this (not leaving the house) as a sign that my DBing is working and that I should just keep at it and ignore the fact that he still sees OW once/twice a week? Emotionally I still can stand it (for now) as long as the EA does not go back to PA. H still respects me and treats me well (I think he still lies occasionally about his whereabouts but really not much compared to what I think is normal at this stage).
He still sends mixed signals. Yesterday he said he wanted to change from being husband to good friend. Drove me nuts (didn't show it). Yet, he also talks about coming back to me (after he "helps" OW builing up her self esteem, yada yada yada).
I feel for you certainly. I cannot advise you as I am in the same boat. However, what I am doing myself is to work on R (act as if, 180) to try to rekindle the fire a bit (our R has declined due to kids). I can stand him having EA, but I also told myself, when he starts treating me badly, or begin PA (I can trust him on that part in letting me know), that's probably the day he will move out. If he tried to "cut ties" with OW, may be he is really trying, just unsuccessful (My h also failed which is why we are still in limboland). If you think he is still putting a little effort in M, you can decide whether to support him or not (by waiting out this terrible period). If he is not trying at all, then you will have to decide also. OK, I'd better stop because I am getting confused myself now. Just HUGS to you.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
OC, We are totally going through the same thing. Although, I know that my H and OW are having PA and that won't change until it's completely done. He feels bad for OW, too - just like your H. I think the changes in their emotions from minute to minute means that they don't know what they want to do. They are totally on the fence right now.
H does treat me well and is trying for the most part to be a good H and father. He's trying to be more present in our household, help around the house. We are also ML tons and it's kind of freaking H out. He doesn't think it will last... That's always been our biggest issue anyway. We have stayed up many nights just talking about everything since he let the cat out of the bag.
We have our arguments about the OW still and I try not to say things that are too judgemental. I just asked him for total honesty and not to say that he is cutting ties when he really isn't. And, if he is really going to do it, then it needs to be 100% no contact. Otherwise, don't even act like that's what you are going to do. In the meantime, OW has big drama in her life and I am convinced that being with her will mean drama after drama after drama.
It is all so darn confusing and I do need to try to control my negativity. I told him again the other night that he should just go and be with her. Needless to say it was another all-nighter and this time H was talking me out of leaving.. UGH!!
Honesty is also a big virtue for me so I have asked him to be honest. Unfortunately, while h is basically a honorable person, he also believes a little white lie is OK, which is different from me who is basically "too honest" for everyone's sake.
I am trying to evaluate h as what he was before. Was your h basically a honorable person, good husband before? If that's the case, personlly IMHO there is reason to see that he is trying to work on R, just cannot get ow out of his life for whatever (stupid) reason. That probably will take time. If, on the other hand, your h has not been a "good" husband all along, then you may want to think about what this means. I also dwell on negativity often and I have to try to look at the whole situation objectively, remembering the positive things he says as well as the negative things he says.
One thing about the PA with OW. As you are ML still, you may want to remind him about safety. I told mine "don't ever trust the birth control issue on women, let alone the other stuff like disease". Not sure if that got through to my h (though now mine is EA) but may be yours would listen. It is just not a good idea for all involved if any issues regarding pregnancy happens now. Just thought I'd share that since that was an important issue for me.
Detaching is so hard esp. when h is nice. Personally I am trying to separate "working on R" and "detaching". I continue to work on R because so far, I still love him and believe that our marriage can be great once we are pass this (also knowing full well there lots of work will be needed). At the same time, I am "working on myself" being happy, having a life outside of h, doing things that I never do because "before, family comes first". You want you to be happy, with h or without h. It won't be easy as I am still struggling. Hate it when the radio has songs that touches my heart. Stay strong, take care.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
