Lil, you know that we all care about you. I could say more on this topic but that might be stepping over a boundary. Like I have said before, you have helped me many times, maybe where you didn't even know it.
What Chrome said sounded right to me all he heard was "I told you so!" That is a receiver error. Your bf got a different message than you sent. Let’s just say hearing “I told you so” is something men miss-hear more often than women. I think it has something to do with men supposedly are responsible how things turn out. Something to do we better be right because we have to pay for our mistakes. Something to do with some higher standard, we have to make better decisions just because we are men.
I can see you have your bf's best interest at heart. I think what you wrote about him not seeing many people other than you and his mom is not healthy. I had a few days that led to weeks like that myself, after some of my back incidents. It really sucks and some times I didn’t know how to get simple things done. Some days it took almost all day to get a few hours of work completed.
It's luck I have customers calling me. It forced me on those days to do some things and get out and about. It’s doubly difficult to get BB to go places some days. Perhaps your bf is making some contacts with people at the bar.
I was given that "oh she's so emotional, one of those woman-things" bullsh!t reaction.
And by God, it hurt! It hurt to be dissed that way (((((Lil)))))
The C told him last time that since he's been sober ~ three years, that right now he's at the emotional level of a three-year old. Sorry, I don't think that is/was a good enough excuse to blow you off like that.
Maybe part of your bf is 3 but most of him is still over 25. He knows what is proper in relationships when he has to react, has to do something or have the electricity turned off or something similar.
Lil please take care of yourself. You are too valuable of a person to be dragged down. Yes I can imagine it hurts right now. I am sending my best wishes your way for now.
I agree with the guys re your sich Lil. Unfortunately, I think you might have a double-whammy reaction with your BF because generally men AND Type 7s don't like the feeling that they are being rescued in some way because they value independence too much. For instance, if I was in a low-functioning mode and you offered to give me a wardrobe makeover and then you were all happy because I looked so much better after following your advice, I would be annoyed. If I was in a higher functioning mode, I would ask you for your advice and then celebrate with you about how great I looked after following your advice.
You need to imagine a Type 7 as having an inner child that is like a tough, fun-loving little street urchin that is getting by on his/her wits and/or dimples. Being rescued can feel too much like being reformed because the street is more fun than the school.
Also, you might want to read the book "Renaissance Soul" that I recommended. It might help you understand that some of what you might think is "low-functioning" in your BF is really just "different-functioning". For instance, if a Type 4 Mozart-type quits or resists taking piano lessons it would usually be a sign of low-functioning but if a Type 7 Benjamin Franklin-type quits or resists taking piano lessons it might just mean that he's ready for a new or different experience like experimenting with electricity or visiting France. Reading this book has made it so clear to me what I have to do to function on level 7 rather than level 5 as a Type 7.
Quote: I'm not going to kill myself. I just consider thoughts of it to be a bad sign. As if it's the only way out. I know it's not the only way out-- it's just that that's what comes to mind (Mojo, I'm sure this is the way your H's brain operates, too.)
I know. We had a convo recently in which I told him about an escape fantasy that I had sometimes which is that I would just park my car at one of the anonymous, cookie cutter service plazas off of I-80 and just sort of live there in limbo as an anonymous person. My H's reaction to this was to tell me that that was a pretty weak*ss escape fantasy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I agree with the guys re your sich Lil. Unfortunately, I think you might have a double-whammy reaction with your BF because generally men AND Type 7s don't like the feeling that they are being rescued in some way because they value independence too much. For instance, if I was in a low-functioning mode and you offered to give me a wardrobe makeover and then you were all happy because I looked so much better after following your advice, I would be annoyed. If I was in a higher functioning mode, I would ask you for your advice and then celebrate with you about how great I looked after following your advice.
You need to imagine a Type 7 as having an inner child that is like a tough, fun-loving little street urchin that is getting by on his/her wits and/or dimples. Being rescued can feel too much like being reformed because the street is more fun than the school.
Also, you might want to read the book "Renaissance Soul" that I recommended. It might help you understand that some of what you might think is "low-functioning" in your BF is really just "different-functioning". For instance, if a Type 4 Mozart-type quits or resists taking piano lessons it would usually be a sign of low-functioning but if a Type 7 Benjamin Franklin-type quits or resists taking piano lessons it might just mean that he's ready for a new or different experience like experimenting with electricity or visiting France. Reading this book has made it so clear to me what I have to do to function on level 7 rather than level 5 as a Type 7.
Quote: I'm not going to kill myself. I just consider thoughts of it to be a bad sign. As if it's the only way out. I know it's not the only way out-- it's just that that's what comes to mind (Mojo, I'm sure this is the way your H's brain operates, too.)
I know. We had a convo recently in which I told him about an escape fantasy that I had sometimes which is that I would just park my car at one of the anonymous, cookie cutter service plazas off of I-80 and just sort of live there in limbo as an anonymous person. My H's reaction to this was to tell me that that was a pretty weak*ss escape fantasy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I needed a break from the endless rounds of whitepapers(man they very nearly make me dislike reading. Sacrilege!!!) I have been force feeding myself for the past couple months. So I stopped by the public library and spent 20 bucks for a-buck-a-box-of-books. Read a interesting science fictional book called Natures End written in a vaguely disconcertingly accurate way of orwell and H.G Wells. Includes indigos, pysch, worldly conciousness, and environmentalism...got me thinking about you guys
Thought I stop by and see how you guys are doing and get some more light reading. I enjoyed reading many of your posts from the past month-- so much to argue with you about. Your post to Rigley about the saving anger and aggresssion for the other gorillas very nearly gave away the bank about winning your woman back. Nops has him on the the right path, though perhaps at a pace to accelerated for Rigley to handle.... Hope you continue to do well, you seem to be having a lot of funning running up and down the emotional ladder. Oh yeah thanks for that compliment back when too. I recommend if your D is as tall buxum and 9/10ths as smart as you, that you keep her far away from me. Id happily devour your sweet little peacemaker just like I did x. (too smart for you own good some...mosttimes.
Quote: Look into the adult attachment approach to see if there is some way you can get him to feel like you two are on the same team and he is not the outsider looking in.
I've been thinking about this some more because it just strikes me instinctively as being the right thing to do in my situation. The obvious example in my situation would be to become business partners with my H. However, I would need to do it in a way that he was "rescuing" me rather than vice versa or it will fail for reasons of male/female sexual psychology. The problem with this is that I don't really want to be in a situation in which I need to be rescued and I can't fake it. However, I believe that I've been having a healthy line of thinking that would get me around this conundrum but I would appreciate the input of the BB, especially the men, on the matter.
I am a Type 7 so I am very good at coming up with projects, like my business, and getting them up and running. My weakness is that I don't have sticking power because I am easily bored once I've mastered the learning curve of any activity. Actually, I used to say this was my "weakness" but after reading the book "Renaissance Soul" I understand that this is just how I am. I am a "jack of many trades master of none" but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. For instance, I never really finished the project of renovating our old house but I did learn how to do about 50 new things in the process and I did increase our equity quite a bit so I should consider the experience a success because of what I did accomplish, not a failure because I didn't achieve excellence or even completion.
OTOH, my H is the type of person who can't stand to do a half*ss job at anything. Most of the time that he is discouraged it is because he is thinking "If you can't do it right, don't bother.". He actually like routine because he can come closer to achieving perfection at activities which he has mastered by repetition.
So, my thought is that I should have my H "rescue" me by becoming my business partner and taking over the routine sh*t that s*cks all my energy away. I guess my question for the guys is would this be a role that would be psycho-sexually acceptable to a man? (I should note here that my H does already sort of behave in this manner when we are getting along well. For instance, he will do things like get the oil changed on my car for me or haul heavy boxes around for me or fix me a to-go cup of coffee before I leave for a sale.). My thought is that the more that I can respect what he has to offer in this way in terms of discipline, order, management of detail, the better the arrangement would work. The problem for me is that I have to get over a sort of sexist bias that I have that makes me think that the man should be the one who functions more like I do.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
What you have describes as you and H's strengths are a very nice match. Yin and Yang. What you have to remember about that is that is always a never ending chase around and around the circle. What you think is your strength and being a masculine attribute is your perception wanting H to improve that area about himself, just as he prods and pushes at areas that he wants you to improve in.. or at least function in the way that he knows you are capable of and do with others.
I think the business partnership can be a path rife with pitfalls. I know your H is a major pain to you when it comes to 'dependability' and confindance that he wont just up and quit his job. If you read Deida, youll extrapolate that he is constantly striving to be shed of encumbrances and feel free. I would guess that your H would be ok with his job if he didnt feel shackled and beholden to it. Perhaps that feeling could come if he were able to relieve some of the pressure by having an alternative that the two of you were able to bring your respective strenghts too. If he were to commit to your joint venture 100% though he would likely just feel shackled and irritable by that too.
Quote: So I stopped by the public library and spent 20 bucks for a-buck-a-box-of-books. Read a interesting science fictional book called Natures End written in a vaguely disconcertingly accurate way of orwell and H.G Wells. Includes indigos, pysch, worldly conciousness, and environmentalism...got me thinking about you guys
I've been reading "The World is Flat" by Friedman. It made me "remember" that a group like this couldn't have existed 20 years ago. We are experimenting with a new type of group-consciousness here. One of my real life friends "accused" me of being rather unsocial lately. My immediate reaction was "That's not true at all, I'm chatting with people all the time." but then I was like "Oh yeah, not "real" people.". As a lifelong bibilophile I also ask myself questions like "In what sense does the way in which I relate to people on this BB differ from the way in which I relate to Jane Austen or some living author who has a blog to which I could respond? How is that different from how I relate to "real" people?".
Quote: Your post to Rigley about the saving anger and aggresssion for the other gorillas very nearly gave away the bank about winning your woman back.
Yeah, the stuff I was reading about the origin of the marriage contract was making me wonder what purpose the emotion of sexual jealousy could possibly serve for a woman. Maybe it's just like nipples on a man.
Quote: Oh yeah thanks for that compliment back when too. I recommend if your D is as tall buxum and 9/10ths as smart as you, that you keep her far away from me. Id happily devour your sweet little peacemaker just like I did x.
LOL. Actually, my D doesn't look anything like me except for the fact that she is quite tall (over 5'10"). She is very sweet but also very emotionally self-reliant. When she was a baby I would put her in the crib and she would sing herself to sleep. However, many mornings I have to go into the bathroom and kill the spiders before she can take a shower and I'm not always going to be around to do this for her and that is where I see a role for someone like you.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I think the business partnership can be a path rife with pitfalls. I know your H is a major pain to you when it comes to 'dependability' and confindance that he wont just up and quit his job. If you read Deida, youll extrapolate that he is constantly striving to be shed of encumbrances and feel free. I would guess that your H would be ok with his job if he didnt feel shackled and beholden to it. Perhaps that feeling could come if he were able to relieve some of the pressure by having an alternative that the two of you were able to bring your respective strenghts too. If he were to commit to your joint venture 100% though he would likely just feel shackled and irritable by that too.
What you are describing here is more like how I function or dysfunction career-wise than how my H does. My H is a Type 4 but he tests second highest as a Type 6 - the organization man. He wants a job that serves his higher purpose or Type 4 passion but also one which provides him with structure and makes him feel needed. The job that he had that he liked best was being the office manager of a humongous bookstore in a college town. He got to hang out with artistic types and organize tons of paperwork just to his liking. He kept that job for many years and only quit when they restructured his job description in such a way that he was actually going to have to manage people rather than paper. Mostly, I think he quit because he was hurt because the destruction of his job description was sort of like a show of disrespect by the company for the contribution he had made.
The reason he hates his current job is that he simultaneously feels like it is beneath him because it meets none of his needs for artistic expression and yet he can never do it perfectly because it demands more physical/mental endurance then he is capable of in order to achieve that. He complains about how many of his co-workers slack off but I think "Yeah, that's what I'd do too." because it's the kind of job where management asks too much of the workers based on the assumption that the workers will slack off.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
about the origin of the marriage contract was making me wonder what purpose the emotion of sexual jealousy could possibly serve for a woman
From the pillow talks I have had on the subject I dont believe that women do feel sexual jealousy like men do. They seem to get jealous of time and resources. Speaking for myself, I can easily squash it in the arena of dating simply becuase I neither care about the female or the outcome of the situation. I never admit to it, but I still have a tinge of it. In fact one of the interesting things is that women have a tendancy to be more into you when they know you are dating OP. Because of that they think informing you of there dating habits will increase your desire for them as well. I very abruptly and severely remind them I am not a woman. (not to mention relegate them to the 'no chance for LTR group')
she is quite tall (over 5'10"). She is very sweet but also very emotionally self-reliant.When she was a baby I would put her in the crib and she would sing herself to sleep. Yum. Yep sounds familiar. One thing I learned the hardway is to not wave your delectable bits in front of the lions (or gorillas) pen, or you may suddenly find your bits have been shockingly and mysteriously swiped from you ...all while you thought you were safely out of reach. And of course, if she isnt to buxom I can always tell her to get that boob job. <snort> I dont kill spiders. Im ok with breaking arms, wrists, fingers, legs, noses and jaws, when the situation calls for it, but killing spiders is very unZen. Strictly catch and release.
What you are describing here is more like how I function or dysfunction career-wise than how my H does. My H is a Type 4 but he tests second highest as a Type 6 There are so many things I relate to your H about, but artistic types, while I enjoy collecting them as friends, are also the hardest type I have relating too especially when they go into there dark funks. He keeps you busy though, so I am making copious and thourough notes.
Strictly catch and release. 