Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis she's left my life has ended

thanks Nicky.

Your right of course but it hurts so much. Not knowing who he is, knowing what he looks like is driving me mad. I need to see him not to confront him or anything like that I just need to know what he looks like. I need closure. Its part of understanding why she chose him. Does he look similar to me? What does he do. What is it about him that drew my wife to him like a moth to a flame?

She said she finished it just before Christmas because she could not cope with it anymore. I know she is gong through a mid life crisis at least I hope she is because she is so believable when she says she feels nothing for me and that she never will.

When I brought the affair into the open she flatly denied it. I felt stupid and was even going to back down but stood my ground and she finally admitted it. I cant beleive she let me spend £2000 on a holiday to try and heal our marriage and she was shagging some bloke at the same time.

She has changed so much. She used to have such a beautiful spirit. She was so giving and kind now she's a monster. A monster I love with all of my heart. I am having such a hard time getting through the days. I've got to clean and do laundry as well as feed my other 2 kids and I'm failing terribly.

I've been on anti depressants for 2 months and was finally coming out of it. After seeing my doctor I realized I had been depressed all my adult life. I was hoping and praying she would see the real me through her fog. A person emerging from my depression. Someone who she could love again. Why is it so hard and why is she so cruel.

Nick - my h was so hard and cruel that I felt as if my heart would break. Now, 16 months post bomb I see a terribly damaged human being. I have survived - it wasn't easy, and held our family together. My h is starting to come out of the crisis - not at all sure if he wants our marriage, but wants my friendship. Healing will take a long time, but the cold cruel stranger has largely gone away. She knows the hurt she is inflicting on you, but if she acknowledged it, it would overwhelm her. The OM is a band aid, and you must not obsess about him. Snodderley suggests puting an elastic band around your wrist and flicking it everytime you think about him. he isn't worth your passing thought. What kind of man has an affair with another man's wife?

All the advice you hear about GAL, and taking care of yourself is true, and doubly true. When your wife comes out of this she will need the people she loved to be healed and whole, not damaged, as she will be.

If you have religious faith, get in touch with God.

Without being presumptious, I really do understand what you are going through. This tears at the inner core of your being. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't make it your final address. Grief is a process, from wich we emerge strengthened and healed, if we do it right.

Angelica

Nick,

Sorry for the turn of events but inside you probably knew it was coming. Stick around, do a bunch of reading of others posts and you will soon realize that you are walking down a path that MANY others have already been down. That doesn't make it easier by any means, but it does mean that there is a wealth of advice and experience out there that you can use to make this part of your journey less harmful to yourself and your children. THIS is now your primary focus for the foreseeable future.

It is now time for you to acquaint yourself with the MLC'ers Handbook. Pay particular attention to the chapter on key words and phrases that are approved for use by all MLC spouses, because you will find in there several of the juicy little tidbits that your wife has already used on you.

By the way, the GOLDEN RULE FOR LBS is this: Believe NOTHING that comes out of their mouths and only HALF of what you see!! These words can be your salvation if you heed them, and your ruin if you do not.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you."
"You could never get over OM so our marriage is over."
"Our marriage was over long ago."
"I never loved you."

All these things (and MANY more) are likely to flow from her mouth at one point or the other. They do hurt, but we have to remind ourselves that at best they are a bastardization of the truth. In most cases they are just complete ridiculousness.

There is nothing to be gained by you in knowing who the other person is. What will you do with the info? Go beat him up? How incredibly masculine of you. And your wife of course, seeing how manly you are, will immediately fall down at your feet and confess the errors of her ways and beg you to take her back.

I know, it's ridiculous. Now tell yourself that about twenty times until you feel capable of letting the whole thing go.

My WORST mistake in dealing with my adulterous MLC wife? Making an issue of her OM and thereby elevating him from pleasant distraction on her part to a person that she felt she just HAD to be with. Don't make the same one.

I can't understand why should would take one child and leave the rest with you. Seems cruel for no reason. This is perhaps something that can be revisited should a legal separation become part of things. I am a bit against the flow around here on this matter and would suggest that you immediately look into legal separation paperwork. It provides you will a framework for dealing with child issues and finances, two things that can create a lot of friction between the two of you. Please try to remember that at this point in time, friction between the two of you is NO GOOD.

Read, read, read. Then read somemore until you feel like you have a handle on the basic approach to use between you and your wife. Leave her alone, don't pressure her, keep interactions business like and friendly. Don't go on and on about your love for her or your desire for the restoration of the relationship. It's ok to put it on the table once, but she probably already knows how you feel about it.

Hang in there man. It's a bumpy ride.

Blessings,

Bill

Nick

At the moment you just need to take one day at a time, do you have many friends that you can talk to?, maybe you should get your wife to look after the children while you go out and do something for yourself. I have found that the worst thing for me is to just sit around the house and do nothing because it just gets me thinking all the more about everything.

It is hardly disasterous if you do not manage to get your cleaning done today, but you do need to make sure that your children are ok. They are also going through a very difficult time, and they are going to need you to stay strong.

My husband also after 10 years of adoring me out of the blue said that he felt empty, did not love me. I never even got the ILYBINILWY speech, he just felt empty. We went through years of IVF to get our D2 and that is all i got. At the moment like your wife my husband is besotted with the OW, the newness and excitement, but us rationally thinking people realise that those feelings can not be sustained forever and eventually my husband will understand this.

Try writing somethings down that you would like to do for you, is there a hobby or something that have always wanted to do?. Then try and make it happen. Think about the person you were when your wife met you, she fell in love with you then. Show her by your actions that you can be that person again. However you need to do these things more so for you than for your wife.

I actually think that you could look at your wife moving out as a positive thing, because like i have said it gives you both the much needed time and space. The OM will not be anywhere near the man that you are. My husband has affaired down, so many people have said that she is not as attractive as me, and not blowing my own trumpet but even i can see that. So try and stop worrying about these things and channel your energy in a more productive way, what can you do for you and your children today that will put a smile on all your faces?. Your wife wont be smiling much as time goes on and when she sees that you and your children are smiling and enjoying life she will start to miss you all.

So please take care of you and your children.

Nicky

((((((((hugs)))))))))
Oh Nick, I am so sorry,

Listen to the advice here from others who have walked this path.

Simes will help you find your way again.

For now, you need to find what little strength you have for the sake of your children.

Honey, God has not forsaken you, and in some ways neither has your wife.

It is all part of the sickness of MLC.

Forgive her, she knows not what she is doing

Nick,
So sorry that you are here. First off, your life has not ended. You will be fine in time. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what your W is going through. In time, you will see that more and more.

Chin up. Come here often.

Nick,

I also am so sorry this is happening to you. It has happened to most of us at some point, not that it makes you feel good to know you are a part of such a difficult group.

I have felt compelled after reading your posts to tell you something. When I found out about my H's OW I was also obsessed with everything about her. I constantly talked about her to my H. I asked millions of questions. I realized later on after he moved out that I had made our situation so much worse by doing this. I don't know if I could have resisted but I wish I had tried. I badgered him about it, I cried at the drop of a hat. I thought about her day and night. He couldn't take it. I figured out too late that he was not some happy in love guy, he was a total train wreck and my constantly talking about it all had pushed him even further over the edge.

Snodderly always says sit quietly and the answers will come to you. I really believe this is so true. If you will pray and just sit it out you will get more information than you will believe. Things will open up for you and you will see what has really been going on.

You've mentioned that you are a Christian. May I suggest you go to RejoiceMinistries.com and check them out. They send out a Charylene Cares newsletter everyday for Standers who are Christians and there are bible studies to listen to and lots of info for you that will help. It helps keep me on the right track when I think about doing something stupid.

Once again I'm so sorry for you and your children. Look at them and tell yourself you'll give them the love you wish you could give your W right now and be the best dad you can. You will heal and things will improve eventually. Remember, nothing stays the same.

Hugs,
Sunflower

Hi Nick,

I'm so sorry for your pain right now. You have received marvelous, wonderful advice and I have little to add. Taking one day at a time, loving Nick and the children as best you can, is really your only choice. Can you find one healthy thing each day that Nick really wants to do, just for Nick, and try that for awhile? It may help.

The best advice I ever received was to pray that I would be changed, and H would be blessed. It irritated me exceedingly at first, but strangely, it seems to work.

Big hugs.
AH

thank you cinders..

It's been hard for me today. I am sorry your are going through the same thing. I truly know how you feel. I know you are right about the contact. I've seen he several times over the last couple of days and each time i have left after arguing. The trouble is my son is with her and he has never even spent the night somewhere else and now he is away from his home. He is not coping very well with it and she refuses to let me have him back. My daughter who is 15 wants to see her every day also and the only way I can facilitate that is to take her and pick her up.

Thank you so much for your advice. It seems hard to take in especially as I cant see a time when the pain will subside.
Thank you also for praying for me. I need prayer. Its something I have allowed to slip lately.
Nick.

Hi Nick....

There is not much left to say in words of advice to you....it has been all said. I think the most important ones are you focusing on you, and sit back quietly as the story unfolds, as nothing stays the same. For those of us that have been on here for a long time.....sigh, unfortunatly some have learned lessons the hard way....me included. Your pain right now, has been our pain for many many months, but the pain lessens and a new perspective suddenly takes hold of you and you start crawling back up the ladder only to find you are a better person. Uh-huh......believe it or not, it's true.

So hang in there...don't let it her take hold of you and drag you down with her! As misery loves company and MLC'ers tend to hurt the ones closest to them.

Jeanette