Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy He said he's seeing someone new

Ophelia,
you need to take a breath and stop all this drama. it does NOTHING to further your GOALS for this M.

Yes, your H is being a selfish jacka$$. Look around these message boards. There are TONS of them treating the spouse like yesterday's news. You being a stark raving b*tch and involving his mother is not good for long-term goals here.

STOP texting him. STOP calling him ad nauseum. LET him go. You are being clinging and off-putting with this behavior. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND your emotions. I DO. My H also had an affair. But you have to step away from this and stop stirring the pot. Get to counseling just to have a place to vent in person. vent here. do NOT vent in real life like you have been.

somebody else should step in here if they disagree with me, but you are spiraling this thing into a cauldron of a mess. of course this is JMO, but i am worried you will do irrepairable damage with all this anger and drama in a public forum, and with his mother as well.

Thanks for the advice. I know you're right. I've read DR. I even read the section on infidelity, even though it hadn't gotten to that point with us at the time.

For the last few weeks, I had been backing off. I only emailed him if it was absolutely necessary, like needing to find the address of a couple friends of ours so I could send them a card, and when I was gonna be bidding for some stuff for his mum on ebay, I asked if he could print them out and show them to her, because she's not online herself. He did these things for me. I kept things casual.

This past week, we had exchanged a few friendly emails again. It started out with him talking about figuring out how to get his name off the phone bill. I didn't get upset over it. We talked about stuff he's got going on with work. We talked about how I've started working out and doing some weights training, (a 180 for me as part of GAL). I asked if he could send me some photos from our friends' wedding, which he'd been to and I hadn't, and he happily sent me the links.

Everything was light and friendly and I was feeling really good about that. Then he dropped that bomb on Friday and everything changed in an instant.

So you see, I'd done the whole backing off thing, and I thought maybe I was starting to see some effect, so it's just twice as frustrating to discover I was wrong.

I did leave him one last voicemail just before. I didn't sound angry, I just sounded sad. I apologised for getting his mum involved, but said I just didn't know who else to turn to when he kept ignoring me. I said how literally sick to the stomach I am, and how I would like to talk to him because I just can't keep feeling this physically sick for another day. I said that I didn't want to leave things between us like this, with so much anger, and I hoped he didn't want that either. So I calmly asked him to please call me so we could talk.

I won't bother him anymore.

As far as I know, I'm still meeting his mum for lunch on Wed, (despite all this crap with her son, she still loves me and still wants to maintain a relationship with me, thank God). I suspect that may be the next time I hear anything about what's going on. I hope that when she talks to him herself, that she can at least convince him that she's not upset that I came to her, which is what she said to me.

The one thing I'm still really hung up on is who OW is. I've got a couple of potential suspects in mind, and it's driving me crazy not having a name so I can know for sure. One of the potentials actually kinda looks like me, so frankly, I'd find it rather amusing if she's the one.

I do intend to go to a counselling session at some point. Right now it's a matter of not being in an emotional state where I can even pick up the phone to make that call, though.

Again, thanks for the advice. When we're in this state, we need a bit of tough love and a kick in the butt to get us to straighten up. We may know in theory that we shouldn't be doing what we're doing, but we just feel so strongly about it all that we can't stop ourselves. So I think it's good to have this place, where others can keep me in check when I need it.

Even when I stop contacting him, I must still be on his mind now and then. I must. I've just gotta keep telling myself that I don't need to constantly prod him to remind him I'm still alive. Even if he doesn't show it, surely he must still know it. Right?

Please listen to believing_isiah. You have to look at your long term goals. This will take a very long time and there's no guarantee of success. If he's just met someone else, he's feeling that euphoria of a new R. You have to be patient and wait for that to fade. Wat he says is right, as far as he's concerned you were divroced 4 months ago. Hell, that doesn't make it right, but you have to play according to his rules. Don't argue with him, it will just make him hang on to his beliefs more.

Just do one thing for me, ok? Before you do an anything, before you open your mouth, or write a text or email, just ask yourself this one simple question. Is this going to being him closer towards me, be neutral, or drive him further away. Don't do ANYTHING that won't bring him closer towards you.

Have you written down your R goals yet? Let us know what they are.

I really only had one R goal. Seeing as how we were no longer living together, and had little to no contact, I didn't want to go setting any lofty goals or high expectations. I just wanted him to take an interest in me. Any kind of interest. Just on a friendly level.

That's why I'd been backing right off in recent weeks. I wanted to stop scaring him away. Maybe make him miss me a little bit.

Anyway, when this latest batch of emails started up, it was actually initiated by him. Granted, the bulk of his email was about the change of name form for the phone, so it wasn't exactly a friendly topic, but he explained it all really well. One thing about me is that unfamiliar situations tend to make me freeze up and freak out. As I was reading the very detailed info he was giving me, I couldn't help but think that he'd remembered that about me, so was actually showing some personal concern by making sure I had all the info I would need so I wouldn't feel totally overwhelmed.

Then at the end of the email he actually paid me a compliment!! My main hope for an ultimate money making venture is selling pieces of furniture that I've painted up with my own designs on them. Here are a few examples of stuff I've done which is actually in our house: chest of drawers, bookshelf, spare bed, (where I've been sleeping the past couple of nights because I can't bear to sleep in our bed right now).

Anyway, I've had a stash of stuff waiting to be done up for ages, and had been working on designs for them all, and have finally been getting around to painting them, (which takes a considerable amount of time, like at least 50 hours of actual painting per piece, and that's not including the time I spend stripping the old paint and fixing bits that are broken), with a mind to selling them for (hopefully) big bucks when they're done.

For MIL birthday recently, I painted up an old plant stand for her with this funky, bright, Aztec inspired design. She absolutely loved it! Said she was gonna keep it inside and it would be her display pot which she'll put plants in when they're in full bloom.

Anyway, at the end of the email, he said that he'd seen it and that it looked great, and he wished me luck with selling the rest of the stuff I'm in the process of painting as well. So that was pretty much my one, little, hopeful goal accomplished, and for the rest of the week, there was more of the same. We were even joking around a bit at times! Then came that last email on Friday, and now that's all been blown to hell.

Quote:

---

If he's just met someone else, he's feeling that euphoria of a new R. You have to be patient and wait for that to fade.

---

Just thinking of all the euphoria he must be experiencing right now makes me feel sick. I know you're right though, and I know it will fade. It's just the natural course of events, and being that there's no way known he could possibly be emotionally equipt for a healthy relationship with anyone (including myself) right now, I figure that when it does die down, it'll hit hard.

Quote:

---

Wat he says is right, as far as he's concerned you were divroced 4 months ago. Hell, that doesn't make it right, but you have to play according to his rules. Don't argue with him, it will just make him hang on to his beliefs more.

---

I'm quite sure his justification for his actions makes perfect sense to him. Hell, I figured it out without even having to ask him about it!

I think the fear that I, (and possibly a lot of other people in my position) have is that you feel that by not arguing their beliefs, that means they'll see that as you condoning those beliefs. It validates in their mind that they're right. And of course, on the flipside, I am 150% sure that I am right as well, so it does go both ways. When you're the one being rejected, you feel like you've gotta fight more, longer, and louder to be heard. That's not really rational though. They hear it. Whether or not they acknowledge that they have, they've heard it, so there's no point in repeating it. That's the logic, but you're not focussed on the logic when you're running on pure emotion.

I've been reflecting on my behaviour tonight, trying to see it from his point of view. I was scary, man! No freaking wonder he wants nothing to do with me right now.

Mind you, if he had have just been a man about it and called me to explain in a relatively compassionate manner that he'd started seeing someone else, instead of tacking it onto the end of an email then wishing me a good weekend, a considerable amount of the ugliness would have been avoided. No, I wouldn't have been happy. Yes, I would have cried. But he knows how much it killed me when he told me he was leaving via email, but this time he went right ahead and dropped another bomb in exactly the same way, knowing full well from experience how devastated I'd be to find out that way in particular. Completely inconsiderate on his part. I'm sure he did it via email because he's too gutless and didn't want to hear my sad reaction and hear me cry. Much as he's hurt me, I do believe what he's said numerous times which is that he doesn't like seeing me hurting. That'd be why he does it from a distance. I guess that must mean he still cares, in some twisted way.

Quote:

---

Don't do ANYTHING that won't bring him closer towards you.

---

Well here's hoping I can come up with something that will bring him closer. I'm not expecting any progress within the next few weeks. I won't contact him and he sure as hell won't be contacting me. The way he worded that text message made it sound like he didn't want to ever hear one more single thing from me ever again.

So, today's developments.

Remember how I mentioned in a previous post that H plays OzTag, (a form of touch football)? Well my brother and his girlfriend play on the same team as H. To be honest, my brother has been seeing more of H recently than I have.

Anyway, I just got a call from dad, saying that my brother had gotten a cryptic txt from H about how he might not want to play on the team anymore, considering the drama that is going on between us right now.

Frankly, I'd been hoping to spare my family the ordeal of knowing H is now an adulterer, and I told dad that I'd been hoping they wouldn't have to get involved, but now I guess I didn't have a choice but to tell them.

So I told him that H has got himself a girlfriend. I also said that this doesn't change my mind about being committed to saving the marriage, no matter how long I have to put up with this kind of behaviour.

I said that frankly I wasn't all that surprised, seeing as how I firmly believe H is in a MLC, and this is really just a classic symptom. Dad actually kinda agreed, and didn't sound too shocked himself, and he seemed to indicate that mum would feel the same. Seems they've been discussing it, and came to a similar conclusion that I did.

I said that I'd spoken to MIL this weekend, and that she agrees that H and I should talk about it, but H doesn't seem interested in talking about anything.

Finally, I said that if I thought he was acting this way with a clear mind, I wouldn't be as willing as I am to forgive. But seeing as how I firmly believe he's all kinds of messed up in the head, I'm actually really kinda sad for him, because I'm quite sure this isn't the kind of person he wants to be. Dad agreed with me. So here's hoping my family are willing to be as forgiving as I intend to be.

So now the only person who doesn't know is my best friend. She sent me a txt last night to see how I was going, and I jut said we were fighting, but didn't give specifics. She said to let her know if I wanted to talk about it. Now, really, she shouldn't judge him too much, because the guy she ultimately got engaged to, (though they ultimately broke up) not only cheated on her, but he got the chick pregnant, (but she then had a miscarriage), and she still forgave that. But I already know that she's not really happy with the way H has been hurting me, so this might push her over the edge.

While I still have hope of working this marriage out in the long run, I really didn't want the people closest to me knowing this, because now it's not just me who has to forgive and forget, it's everyone else as well. It just makes it all 100x harder.

Anyone out there who prays, I could use a few extras right now, asking that God will bestow forgiving hearts on the people I love.

It all comes out in time.
You will feel so much better if you get this off your chest. No matter how many people know, there seem to be more that find out.
We all protect our S for awhile.
But here is the tricky part, as long as you report with just the facts, then you have nothing to worry about.
Just the facts and be kind when you speak of him. Sounds like you are doing this.
It was nice to know that my H has been told that I speak highly of him, still........
Even just for me.
Cheers,
Holly

I just called my brother. He seems to be on the same page as me as well, which is good.

He said he's gonna txt H back (but he's gonna leave it til tonight, so he can sweat on waiting for the reply for a while) saying that he won't play this week, but will go on a week to week basis as to deciding if he's gonna play. He also said, "Maybe I should add something like: Are you planning to still be going through this MLC for much longer? Because I really would like to play OzTag again." I suggested that that may be going a bit far, and he agreed.

He also said that he thought the way H had worded the txt message was odd, because he called it something like the "Joann problems" (that's my name, of course), and my brother said he very nearly replied, "Don't you mean YOUR problem?", but he didn't, which is good.

My brother has actually done a phsychology subject as part of his university studies, and he said that just judging by what he learned in that, that H is obviously completely messed up in the head, and how can he possibly think this is a healthy relationship, because you don't get out of a 10 year relationship with someone, then jump into something new this quickly and have it be normal. Quite obviously he's just lonely and desperate and it's gonna fizzle out sooner or later and then he'll come to his senses.

How much am I lovin' my little brother right now? It's like we're sharing a brain!

Quote:

---

Just the facts and be kind when you speak of him. Sounds like you are doing this.
It was nice to know that my H has been told that I speak highly of him, still

---

That's exactly what I'm trying to do. The exception has been a few things I've said in the heat of anger and frustration when on the phone to his mum over the weekend, but I do believe she understands why I feel the way I do right now, so she won't hold that against me.

I've made it clear to my family all along that I'm still in this marriage for the long haul, and as such, whenever I speak to them about H, I do it from the point of view that I'm more sad for him being so messed up and confused, rather than angry at him.

I've always made it clear that I still firmly believe that he's a good person and that he'll come around one day. I've said that as much as I'd love to be able to help him through whatever he's going through, that he's gotta work through it himself, and I just have to be here when he finally does come to me.

I try to speak in a similar way that Michele does in the book. Straightforward and matter of fact but still with compassion.

You are doing great! Hats off to you friend!

Thanks Holly! God knows it's not easy, but I'm trying.

Got a call from my mum just before which went much the same as the calls with dad and my brother. She did say that dad was, "pretty cranky" with H for what he's doing to me. I said that was understandable, then repeated that if I thought H was in his right mind right now, then I wouldn't be so likely to forgive, but obviously he's mighty messed up, and I just hoped he was able to get himself sorted out sometime soon so he could actually figure out what he really wants to be happy. She agreed wholeheartedly.

Not long after the call from mum, the phone rang again, so I picked it up and said hello, and whoever was on the other end instantly hung up. No idea who it could have been.

Well Friday is a public holiday here for Australia Day. Over the past several years, it's become tradition that a couple of our friends will have a BBQ on Australia Day, and we all play pool volleyball and get drunk on homemade daiquiris.

The couple that hosts the BBQ just had a baby girl on Christmas Eve, so they hadn't decided for sure if they were gonna have the BBQ this year, seeing as they're already flat out with a newborn and all.

So I emailed the guy who would be hosting it, asking if it was still on, and saying that I would like to come, though I knew it could possibly be tense with both myself and H there, particularly considering the OW bomb that just got dropped. I said that I really just wanted to go along and catch up with friends I haven't seen in ages, (and by ages, I mean the nearly 4 months since H left, because whenever he's hanging out with them, I can't be there as well, so I just haven't seen them).

Well I got a reply, and yes the BBQ is happening. He said that H, "has made it clear he wants to come and can't be there at the same time as you." But seeing as how they're friends with both of us, they don't want to exclude either of us, so he proposed the idea of me going along for a couple of hours until about lunchtime, and then after I've left, H will come over.

I replied and said that would be fine, and thanked them for including me, even though it's a complicated situation. I said that I hoped things wouldn't always be like this, and that I was sad it had come to this at all.

In other news, I sent MIL a txt just before to check if we're still meeting for lunch tomorrow. I haven't got a reply yet, so I'm starting to freak out a tad. I wouldn't think she'd cancel. I mean, the first time I called her last weekend, she asked if there was anywhere in particular I wanted to go, and the last time I called her, she told me not to worry, that I hadn't upset her and she didn't know what H was talking about with that. Please God don't let her cancel on me. I know it's bound to be an awkward lunch, but please don't let her cancel on me.