Quote: I honestly don't know at this point, but I hope to find out. My W's A is still ongoing, so I guess the first step wuold be convincing me that it is over. NO contact, return all the gifts, be open and honest about why and how long. Show remorse. I think just like DBing, alot of it would be just time and consistency.
Sorry, no great insights.
81388: That's OK. Anything helps. I did stop all contact with OM. I threw away all gifts. I continue to reiterate that the OM relationship was 'fantasyland' and not reality. What I need to do is find ways to let my H know that even though I walked away from our M and him that it wasn't because of who he is/was. Our M wasn't perfect, but he was a loving H and I took him for granted BIG time. HUGE! Any woman out there would kill for someone like him and I threw it away.
Thinking about it makes me want to cry. Every time we discuss it, I usually end up doing just that....I'm afraid I'm becoming a pathetic mess.
GC Sounds to me like you are doing helpful things, I may be too close to the front side of this to be any help. My sitch is recent enough(<2 mos.) that if my W convinced me A was over and she was committed to trying, I would be on board. She has said A is recent development, and I think that may make a diff as well.
At this point, I can see that it is all fantasy, but that probably hurts even worse, why can't SHE see this? Maybe saying it was all fantasy has the same effect after the fact.(again, I don't know if any of this will help)
Unfortunately, I really think the key is going to be time and consistently being there despite his anger. That would show me that W is serious. I know when that time comes for me, reestablishing trust is going to be difficult.
My W has been trying to tell me she is choosing ME, and not OM. Now, being hurt back then (I still am) made it that much harder to believe her. And I WANTED to believe her. Every day she would tell me she loved me, and she wanted me to trust her. I wanted to believe so much that my hurt simply blinded me about her motives. I didn't know WHAT to believe. It will be hard earning her trust back. Your H needs to EARN your trust back, and that will TAKE TIME. A LOT OF IT!!!
Don't rush this thing. I know it is hard to convince him that you are changing, but the M also needs to change. He will come around if you stick it through. If you need to vent, or cry, or just get emotional over stuff, just do it here, and away from others if you can. I find myself not crying anymore, but I too get a teary-eye every once and a while. We are all human, after all.
All I can say is to keep validating him, listen to him, do the things that you know are right in order to change the dynamic of your R. Stay away from negative people - those that mean well like family and friends, and keep your PMA up! Remember PATIENCE.....it will take time.
Understand that your H will struggle with this, I still do. I've just learned to control most of my anger - against my will, but it is the SANE thing to do!!! Just give him space when he needs it, and take care of yourself too! I've learned the hard way that my anger only pushes my W away - it does nothing else!!! So I am learning to cope and stay focused on the positives. It is hard to do at times but you will see the changes.
Hang in there.......
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
My W has been trying to tell me she is choosing ME, and not OM. Now, being hurt back then (I still am) made it that much harder to believe her. And I WANTED to believe her. Every day she would tell me she loved me, and she wanted me to trust her. I wanted to believe so much that my hurt simply blinded me about her motives. I didn't know WHAT to believe. It will be hard earning her trust back. Your H needs to EARN your trust back, and that will TAKE TIME. A LOT OF IT!!!
I fully understand that this will take time. And I'm willing to continue to say and show him that I mean everything I say. I think it's the showing that I need some advice on what to do for him. I have decided to do one grand gesture - a tattoo with his name. He has been part of my life for so long, that I'm not worried if we do end up splitting up. He will always be a part of me.
Don't rush this thing. I know it is hard to convince him that you are changing, but the M also needs to change. He will come around if you stick it through. If you need to vent, or cry, or just get emotional over stuff, just do it here, and away from others if you can. I find myself not crying anymore, but I too get a teary-eye every once and a while. We are all human, after all.
I do stay away. I've pretty much ditched all friends who know about the A and I'm left with basically one couple who we hang out with. They are nice people.
All I can say is to keep validating him, listen to him, do the things that you know are right in order to change the dynamic of your R. Stay away from negative people - those that mean well like family and friends, and keep your PMA up! Remember PATIENCE.....it will take time.
No family knows about this. And like I said, I ditched those that do. Validating is the hard part. I keep wanting to tell him that I'm not that person when he brings up all the bad things that I did during the A (lying, stealing his love, giving it to others). I tried saying "I understand how it feels that way" but the words "but it WASN'T" sometimes slip out. grrrr
Understand that your H will struggle with this, I still do. I've just learned to control most of my anger - against my will, but it is the SANE thing to do!!! Just give him space when he needs it, and take care of yourself too! I've learned the hard way that my anger only pushes my W away - it does nothing else!!! So I am learning to cope and stay focused on the positives. It is hard to do at times but you will see the changes.
Hang in there.......
Thanks. I know it's tough for him. We had something special and I trashed it for something that was NOT worth it at all.
I do appreciate your input and hope things are going well with you. She's home right?
She's almost home...tomorrow night she will sleep with me.
To be honest, I have been on a "minor" roller coaster this past week, but doing things with the kids and around the house has kept me pretty busy, and I didn't get into a deep funk that much. Like I said, I got down a few times but pulled myself back up. It was her phone calls that kept me going every day, that plus my little one. I can't let her down. Our kids need us more than we think. And they are smarter than we thank too. Bless their little "big" hearts!!!!
I know what you mean about the special bond you had, the innocence is lost, tarnished. We have to build a new R, it's the only way. We have to rediscover our spouses. I am very fortunate that my W wants to do this now, and just a few months ago it wasn't her I was M to, it was the alien. I hate that part, and my W knows what she did, I think her guilt is causing her to blow up whenever I bring up that insane time. So I try not to talk about it but more importantly I try no to THINK about it.
It's time to build a new relationship - if your H is willing, I think the best sign here is that YOU want to try. THAT is GOOD!!! Remember he's the "betrayed" spouse, and the anger is from the hurt he's feeling. You said you need more advice on what to do. Actions DO speak louder than words. Can you tell me the things you've done that worked in helping your R? I'm still working on finding my W's Love Language so that we can better connect...
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Quote: Thanks. I know it's tough for him. We had something special and I trashed it for something that was NOT worth it at all.
i'm in the same sitch as you. i a agree with u that the A we had whatever was the predisposed it (e.g flirting, talking....whatever) is a fantasyworld. really.....i never imagined it could happen to me, i don't want it to happen in my M. do you believe things happen in the most unexpected? my H found out last christmas. he's devasted of course. he'd kill me if not for the 2Ds. how could we be so heartless to hurt the people who cared for us in their own special ways.
i ask for his forgiveness, but i know i'm not getting it now. months or years maybe. with the way things are now, im already thinkin of given up. but still hoping to get through this, my 2Ds are my strenght right now.
i would like to know how you are coping right now. if you have time please go over my sitch( my infedility, pls help). don't know how to attach it here though.
Quote: She's almost home...tomorrow night she will sleep with me.
To be honest, I have been on a "minor" roller coaster this past week, but doing things with the kids and around the house has kept me pretty busy, and I didn't get into a deep funk that much. Like I said, I got down a few times but pulled myself back up. It was her phone calls that kept me going every day, that plus my little one. I can't let her down. Our kids need us more than we think. And they are smarter than we thank too. Bless their little "big" hearts!!!!
I know what you mean about the special bond you had, the innocence is lost, tarnished. We have to build a new R, it's the only way. We have to rediscover our spouses. I am very fortunate that my W wants to do this now, and just a few months ago it wasn't her I was M to, it was the alien. I hate that part, and my W knows what she did, I think her guilt is causing her to blow up whenever I bring up that insane time. So I try not to talk about it but more importantly I try no to THINK about it.
It's time to build a new relationship - if your H is willing, I think the best sign here is that YOU want to try. THAT is GOOD!!! Remember he's the "betrayed" spouse, and the anger is from the hurt he's feeling. You said you need more advice on what to do. Actions DO speak louder than words. Can you tell me the things you've done that worked in helping your R? I'm still working on finding my W's Love Language so that we can better connect...
I started making him lunch. We both lost a lot of weight during the "bomb dropping". Now, he wants to put some weight back on. I gave him a foot rub the other night, he seemed to enjoy it-very much so. We have been taking morning baths together, but sometimes this backfires into discussing R.
I'm thinking his LL is quality time and physical touch. However, we run into trust issues when we aren't doing these things. When we talk, he still thinks that I'm hiding things from him. And that causes blow ups.
Good for you re: tonight. Remember, not to push her and give her space when she gets in. Do small things for her, to make her comfortable. (and don't forget to thank her for the gifts! woo hoo, tequila!)
i would like to know how you are coping right now. if you have time please go over my sitch( my infedility, pls help). don't know how to attach it here though.
i pray that we both keep hanging on.
r - I take it one day at a time. There are good days and bad days. There are good hours and bad hours. There are times I think he's going to get soooo angry that he's going to hit me. But then, things calm down and we are able to find some peace for awhile. He admitted to me that it's his decision. He's the only one who can decide if he forgives me or not. I can make the choice easier (by getting mad back and arguing) or harder (by being loving and gentle and kind). Bottom line - I hang in there for the tidbits that he does throw me, but I am trying not to be desperate/pathetic.
We are spending a HUGE amount of time together. Partially, because he doesn't trust me and partially because I don't want to be away from him at all.
What's weird is that we don't have kids. Most everyone here on the board are here with kids and saying that they at least have them to turn to for strength. Because of my ambition (and A) I never had any kids. Now, I see that I missed out on a LARGE part of life. And I sincerely regret it.
Well how on earth do I start this... I guess by first stating that this is GC's H. Secondly I'll tell you I do have serious "trust" issues as you can well imagine and continue to push for 'secrets' and things being hidden from me. In a 'rare' moment of honesty GC told me about posting to this site. Not in and of itself a ground breaking 'secret' but something GC was intentionally hiding because of an assumption that I wouldn't 'approve' of it. This is in large fact a sound assumption but not for the reasons GC thinks.
I don't as a rule disapprove of seeking help for what is a very real and serious problem. GC would tell you I don't like having our dirty laundry aired. This is true but these boards are hopefully anonymous enough I could get over it. I do feel intense shame and a very strong desire to protect myself from further humiliation and pain.
That said, I absolutely disapprove of GC posting simply because it was something GC was concealing, and at the moment as you can imagine concealing ANYTHING isn't exactly conducive to rebuilding a relationship. GC states I am to trust and believe... That honesty and integrity are the rule of the day... Yet it feels even in this tiny thing that I've been lied to. Doesn't exactly engender trust. It feels, from my perspective, that truth and honesty are only an option when there are no good reasons not to tell it. Well there is ALWAYS some reason to lie, some motive, some rationale. Not something I really needed to see GC do at the moment, even if GC's motives were in this instance for the good of our M.
That being (poorly) said, I'll say this. As you've gathered from the posts I am still present and accounted for in our M. Barely as it were but I am trying. I am sure this has been said a million times but this whole thing just absolutely, positively SUCKS. It was insightful to read GC's posts and get a better feel for where her head is (though it could be a trick to make me believe the things I can't seem to when told... See how paranoid and distrustful this stuff makes a person. Sheesh).
This post is long enough so I'll close with a message and a bit of advice.
The message: For those of you concerned for GC all is fine though not well. You know what I mean. Fine about the board, not well about the M. It is tough at the moment but this isn't any major setback and may actually prove beneficial. In short, GC is no worse for sharing this with me and may actually be better.
The advice (though my heads not too square these days so take it for what it's worth): Share this stuff with your H or W. Let them know what you're doing and why. If they wish to participate, fine. If not, at least they know about it and can check it out at their leisure if they like. This should not in any way alter the honesty of your posts though. If it simply becomes a forum for 'see I posted this, it must be true' then what may be a valuable tool for some would be ruined.
And thanks to all who've tried to help... Despite appearances I do in fact know it is a very difficult thing for GC as well. Telling the truth and trying to repair the damage we create as we meander through this life is the hardest challenge we face. I do respect that about GC, if little else at this point. It was a very difficult thing to do and I admire it greatly.
And if you are reading this and haven't taken that first step... Haven't come clean... I implore you to do so now. You may think there is a good time, a perfect time, but waiting only compounds the problem... Allows you to hide another day... Takes more moments of time that we cannot reclaim. Life is too terribly short to waste waiting to make things right. Do it while time and opportunity are yours to take advantage of and before fate strips you of your chance.
