I've been away from the boards for a bit. But things seem still the same. H is still asking for all the little details, thinking that I'm still hiding information from him. After that, he keeps bringing up the fact that I had a long term A.
We aren't even close to being on the same page. I tell him that I WANT more than anything to be with him, that everything in the A was 'fantasyland' and not real, that I am 100% committed to him. And he says that this is not about what I want. When I try asking what he wants, he comes back with "a wife that doesn't cheat." I tell him that I'm it....and he says "not with your track record."
I want to move forward...he doesn't seem to be there yet.
it is still pretty recent, he is obviusly not ready to let go of his anger yet, if you've done all you can all that's left is to wait, to hope he decides to move on.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: it is still pretty recent, he is obviusly not ready to let go of his anger yet, if you've done all you can all that's left is to wait, to hope he decides to move on.
I don't know about his moving on.
Last phone call, we were talking R talk (barely any other talk). One point of note, he said that he's not deciding anything.
H: I'm not deciding either way (staying with me or leaving), LIFE will make that choice for me....either cancer, auto accident, another boyfriend for you, a girlfriend for me.... M: How can we build our R when you are in this place? H: You were the one who had an A. You were the one who thought about leaving. M: I knew that I wasn't going to... H: When did that change? M: After a few months into the A, I knew that I wouldn't leave you. H: You are a stupid, f'in C-word who can leave whenever she's good and well ready.
He says that I keep making this about how I feel....but things like this make me very emotional (at work) and I have a hard time keeping it together.
heatherg: I dropped the bomb in September that I had an A with a guy for a few years (conferences only, long distance). And when I confessed I was in the middle of a second A at work. Both are ended, I have realized what a complete and utter jacka$$ I have been. That these guys were only after one thing and that I let them 'talk' me into it.
He is sooooo angry and all I want to do is make things better.
UA - how are you doing? I haven't bipped over to see what's up in your world.
I know that I need to give him time and space. It's just that I feel that things are boiling inside him and something violent might occur. He's been so angry that he's actually spit at me...
But then we do stuff around the house, make plans for the future....he's dr. jekyl and mr. hide. My problem is I don't know how to deal with the mean one...
He is sooooo angry and all I want to do is make things better.
I so understand where you are at. This may be helpful and it may not, but I'll say it anyway. When I was a kid, I LOVED cats, but I didn't understand until much later how to get my cats to love ME. As a child, I just wanted to hug it, squeeze it, smother it, chase it....I mean, I just wanted to love it right? Well, we learn as we get older that we have to let the cats come to us. We have to earn their trust-by feeding them daily, changing their litter, and being there when THEY want affection. Eventually, they'll let us give them snuggles even if they are initiated by us and not them. That's what you need to do for your H right now sweetie. You need to regain his trust by consistently being the VERY best person you can be. H is not your confidante right now, he is not there to assure you or make you feel better in any way. You need to get that either from these boards, a friend (ahem, a FEMALE friend), or your therapist. If he tells you that he doesn't want to hear what YOU want, then that indicates to me that he really just needs you to listen to him, even when he asks you questions. When he asks you questions, try to find a way to validate his feelings as opposed to telling him yours. Validation doesn't mean you have to agree with what he is saying, but it tells him you understand why he feels that way right now. BTW, the c-word is arguably over the edge, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt because he's just had a sword driven through his heart. Certainly though, do not let things get to the point of verbal abuse. A book I found very helpful is called "I Don't Have to Make Everything all Better". It's a good book on validation and being a good listener. And wait for him to come to you.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Quote: UA - how are you doing? I haven't bipped over to see what's up in your world.
I know that I need to give him time and space. It's just that I feel that things are boiling inside him and something violent might occur. He's been so angry that he's actually spit at me...
But then we do stuff around the house, make plans for the future....he's dr. jekyl and mr. hide. My problem is I don't know how to deal with the mean one...
I know what you mean about the anger. BELIEVE ME!!! My H moved out NYD. He was staying out all the time, and I asked him to make a decision. I almost regret doing that but so far...knock wood, it's been beneficial sort of. I did sign a paper acknowledging receipt of the petition for divorce but things have moved no farther as far as I know. He hasn't moved anything out for almost a week now, although we are going tomorrow night to switch our cell phones to separate accounts. I just keep praying that we are both walking in His will and that we allow Him to work in our lives. That's all I got sugar!
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
