We would all like to hear "I'm sorry", BUT THE ONLY ANSWER TO WHY THIS CHANGE IN HIS M O CAN COME FROM HIM. Unless he tells you what his motives are you can spend all your time trying to figure him out to no avail. Remember, you've already been there, done that. Chances are he doesn't even understand what he's feeling. That's the biggest thing that drove me crazy about all of us on MLC. We spent so much time looking for "babysteps" that it kept us from looking at the bigger picture, and yes generally the whole MLC drama boils down to control (Hey Fig you go girl!). The same kind of Control that they have convinced themselves they never before had with us.
Look, I'm not saying that he isn't starting to recognize what he's missing, but I know you have made a life. Don't even give this a 2nd thought unless and until he's man enough to tell you something, anything.
You were better off when you saw him for the lying sack of sh@t he has been. It gave you strength and hope for a better life.
Anyone can be redeemed, but they have to want to be, and that takes hard work and the courage to admit to the pain they have caused. Will you ever hear that? Will any of us? It would be nice but we can't let it get in the way of our happiness. You've been doing such a great job with that and I'm so proud of you!
Quote: Still, we all want some kind of apology or affirmation from them sometime somewhere that they regret their actions. I know that not many of us will actually get this, but at some time down the road - it really would be nice. Wishing for too much?
Yep.... I still think that some just will never admit it. They can't, doesn't mean they don't feel it. I do think sometimes it would be nice to have something. My friend that was married to the mole's cousin got it. After 5 years he told her that he wasn't dating (had already dumped the OW) because he was still getting over her. She told him... "That's nice". (then vented to me that she didn't want to hear it - she's much stronger than I and engaged now.)
My XMIL is sick with cancer and I've had a few stirrings and emotions for his family and my kids' grandma. The kids are trying to deal with her illness in the right perspective since they haven't seen her too much over the last 6 years. I can only urge them to call and to talk to their dad about it.
My X will never say anything. IMHO he's so damaged from all of this, not to mention the OW killing herself that he can only just keep moving forward.
Whoever said it... "only you can bring closure" is right. Similar to the early days, we can only control "us".
I can't add much to what has already been said. If it is a reconnect then I think it will take a long time. Your xh will proceed very slowly and then get scared and retreat many times before he really reconnects. But all you can do is go with it and see where it all leads.
It is funny you mention closure (or lack there of). I was just thinking I would really like some closure and I have to find some way of just accepting everything without expecting closure.
I hope you are feeling better. Get plenty of rest.
I hope you are feeling better. Did bringing this subject up about your XH lead to your dizziness? I'm curious if old feelings and emotions have been stirred by his contact?
I have not had any communication with my XW since prior to the D which has been over 6 years.
Yes, I to would like to hear, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I was wrong, please forgive me.
Will it happen? I believe in all possibilities.
Maybe she won't say these things to me until we both pass from the physical world to the non-physical world.
Then again, she may never say anything VERBALLY to me ever again.
But she does communicate with me. By her not looking at me and speaking with me when we are at family functions tells me that she still has issues, she is still filled with anger, resentment and a great deal of pain.
I also realize that beneath all of those negative emotions is love for me.
I have been told by others that they know of her love for me presence even though she does not speak of it.
There are many things we can sense and no to be true without others speaking a single word.
Tonality of voice, body language is a huge part of a persons way of expressing themselves.
Much of the anger and resentment projected towards us by our MLC spouse, is anger and resentment they have towards themselves.
As we have learned, it's not about us, it's about them and their issues that they struggle to deal with. They only think their issues are because of us. Their issues were present long before we came into their lives.
MLC people like all of us can go in and out of different levels of consciousness. Our minds can move back and forth from logical thinking to illogical thinking.
Moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day, we travel back and forth. For some of us we stay in one particular state of mind for longer periods of time. For others, they are Jekyl and Hydes and we never know who is going to show up.
My own rollercoaster of emotuions from feeling depressed to total euphoria can all occur in a 24 hour period.
I find myself in a state of peace and happiness the majority of my waking hours. But there are days when I slip back into the black hole of depression.
I much prefer the state of happiness versus the agony of depression.
I believe it may be such that a person in MLC or depression is like being in quicksand. The more they fight it the faster they sink. They keep fighting their inner demons and it only keeps getting worse.
It is my belief that your XH is starting to AWAKEN to some level of higher consciousness than he has been in the past. The fog is starting to lift and he is getting a glimpse of the damage from the plane crash that he created by flying the airplane into the mountain.
I'm sure he is not feeling good about what he is finally seeing and is struggling with the reality that he had some responsibility in creating this disaster.
This is just my observation and inner senses feeling sorry for your XH's pain.
Feeling a bit better tonight. I NEED to get better fast - too much going on.
GB: Good points! I think he likes to check on us every once in a while. Seems to look for flaws so he can tell me off about it (in a VM, I rarely answer). Yes, that is control.
Closure... hmmmm.... I thought I'd get more with the D. Even with a new R. But it takes time. Lots and lots of time. It gets better, but its not here completely.
I think when we moved to Surviving we stopped talking nearly as much about MLC and all the insanity. Kind of got used to it. It almost seemed "normal" since everyone else's spouse was doing it too. Of course we know there is nothing "normal" about MLC behaviour. But when our exes do something atypical - we sit up and take notice.
But as you point out - you might get a glimpse of recognition, but its gone faster than you can blink.
Strange...
Hey girl - I'm heading your way in less than a week. We need to talk. Can't wait to see you.
Thanks for the birthday wishes. Hmmm... yes I learned a lot along the way on the MLC train but boy - I was a tough nut to crack. I did NOT want to believe this was happening. I took a long long time. Stood for my M for a long time, finally reached the point when I no longer felt that I could. It is all a very personal timeline - that I learned.
You make some very valid points but you especially hit home when you said that I have continued to grow while he stagnated. Yes, he and maggot created their own little nest, free from outside influences. The air HAS to get stale after a while. It just seemed to take way too long for anything to change.
You know my ex bounced back about six months post-D. Not a word out of his mouth about any regret about what he's done. Nasty ugly scene -- I had to kick him out of here and call the cops on him to get him out of here.
It probably is him trying to reconnect a bit. My weird ex does maintain more contact with the kids these days, which is probably good. I wouldn't doubt that there's something inside of him missing the kids because they're all grown and gone now -- and he has to see them on his terms. He doesn't seem to like that too much. Me -- I'm just happier than heck when they call or come by even though school and work commitments makes that not very frequent.
So...I'd just take it that he's trying to be nice to the kids and that's that. You are happy and whole and thriving. Last thing you need is to go down the path of "what ifs" letting him hook you back into his weirdness.
I don't know much about MLC--while I think my ex probably did go through some MLC stuff, I think the primary problem he had was an addiction/alcoholism issue. And I'm not a shrink. So to me, bad behavior is bad behavior!!! He was rude, nasty, crude, and mean. Why get back into his way when all that does is make everyone in his path feel miserable?
