Hey C2H: I will check out that link - it sounds interesting.
No, I would never be interested in a new R with him other than the person with whom I share kids and someday grandchildren. As we learned in D.R. - that part doesn't really change. Only with death comes that finality (I know, I know - don't go there! ).I give the kids credit for maintaining a R with a dad who never puts them first, rarely has much time for them. D has been especially good about it all. But yes - he could most definitely see them more, go on vacation, give them more $, but no - they are not the priority.
Perhaps raising a disabled son on my own has made me a bit more uptight. He is quick to judge what I do with him - but never lends any support. That's when you learn to let it go in one ear and out the other. Not answering the phone works too.
I was hoping that you would post to me. You are quite familiar with my situation and can remember the months/years of torment I endured with the MLC monster.
Reconnect was probably the wrong word for me to use because that's not really what I meant. More like - making peace. I would like him to realize how much he put us through and acknowledge that some day to me. Not sure if its ever likely or possible. It is strange how suddenly their loyalty changes to OW. She is, now, of course "his wife", though neither obviously has much respect for the sanctitiy of M. He tells the kids he can't do certain things because of "his wife". His loyalty to her overrides anything that came before. I find that strange.
I wrote a few months back about one of the Mom's at my dance school. Her son (Ryan's age) was born with a heart condition, Down's syndrome and needed open heart surgery as an infant. Dad couldn't cope. Took off with a lover. Left Mary to deal with it all - hospital, disabled child and a 5 year old to boot. He was nasty and unsupportive. Fast forward 22 years. He has been in 2 subsequent marriages. Finally became a good dad to Christopher (who is now 27 years old - he missed out on him being a kid). He recently apologized to Mary for all he put her through. He has had a realization and wants to make it up. She, of course, keeps him at arm's length but does appreciate his R with his son. As we all do. Another strange thing in their situation - the OW, long since divorced from her ex, ALSO came and apologized. Imagine that!!!!
No 2 situations are alike I know and for as much as the MLC behaviour can be text book, none of us really knows for sure what is going to happen.
My only hope is that we CAN be civil at functions we both will attend. I shudder when I think of more grads (we've already had 5 since he left), weddings, birth of grandchildren, baptisms, birthday parties etc. These are supposed to be happy occasions. Divorce sure takes the joy out of it.
Jilly: I know, I know. I guess part of me does care in some small way. I care that he gets through his MLC and maybe can be a better person once more. I know its like thinking the impossible. I hate it when he calls on an occasion and treats me worse than a person he doesn't know. I know I know - Zero Expectations.
Seriously, I don't expect any contact from him - once in a while he shocks me, though usually nothing good comes from it and I can say the same this time too.
I think you are right about events and timing. It was most pronounced that he called during our Christmas party. It was most strange because in the chaos, Josh (my S.O.) went to answer the phone. D saw it and grabbed it to prevent her dad from blasting Josh (he would have), but we all figured he was missing the multitude of family and friends gathered in our home. He knew what he was missing.
My birthday probably triggered more of a feeling of competition. His birthday was just 2 weeks ago. D gave him a gift but I don't think the boys did anything. Their right. So, I think he wanted to see if S#2 (in Toronto) had come down for my birthday, what D was up to etc. I think he wanted his presence known in both situations.
During the first Christmas season he was with maggot he also dumped her and came home, only to move back in with her. All this was at Christmas. It was also his birthday. I took him out for dinner on his birthday that year. He was jumpy and couldn't wait to get home. And when I dropped him off he said "I can't wait for these damn holidays to be over with". To him, they always extended through to my birthday.
SO, yep - he wants it all to end but he also wants to know what we're up to. The man who never phones called Sunday, 3 times yesterday and 3 times today. Wish he'd go back into his cave. I really don't need the aggravation.
Yes, you remind me of something I used to say when I was over on this side of the board. How can I make sense out of something that makes no sense at all? And there in lies the rub. I am one of those people who always has to figure it out. Too analytical perhaps. But I always felt it was easier to move forward when I understood my past. This one is just mind boggling as you know.
The strange part is this - I really DON'T care about what he is doing unless it affects the kids or me. I used to obsess over him and maggot. Don't give a rat's a$$ anymore. I just don't think about it. I don't miss him. Not one little bit. I DO miss having a complete family but that's just not in the cards ever again.
No, I totally believe that my life is better without him. Now, if he would just go away - that would be good.
Thanks Qoe. I am feeling some better tonight. I was totally exhausted and dizzy, couldn't even sit at the computer. I'm not sure why. Josh had a bad flu last week, Brandon a cold and now Ashley has Strep Throat. I think my body is trying to fight off all their germs and is doing a good job but the body has had enough. It told me to rest - so I did!
I know, I know. I am not even sure what possessed me to answer the phone since I NEVER do. But it was not a time Ash would be home. And it was my birthday. I guess we all hold out a little hope that they might be nice - just once.
I can honestly say I didn't lose any sleep over it. I had just noticed some subtle differences in the last little while and it made me curious. The biggie was that he told Ashley how much he missed my father and BIL. That was strange.
Yep, these guys are incapable of so many things. I suppose its most likely that admitting they were wrong might be one of those things. But it doesn't mean they don't feel it.
Look at my ex. He LOVED golf. He worshipped the game. He was in a league. Won the league tournament. Loved his group of guys. About 2 weeks after we split, the guys told me he threw his clubs right out on the greens. Said he couldn't golf anymore. Maggot came and picked him up (told the guys "she's just a friend"). They had trouble being nice to him after that. Next year he played a couple of tourneys. Maggot decided to learn the game - never let him golf without her. Shortly after he gave up the game. Said he couldn't afford it. I sincerely don't think he enjoyed playing the game with an amateur. She wasn't secure enough to let him do anything without her.
If I spend too much time with any one person, they start to get on my nerves. Maybe I'm just too independent. Josh is a nice man. I enjoy his company. But in truth - after 24 hours, we are both ready to go back home. I love him - but I can live without him. H never escapes his prison. Maybe it was paradise once. Maybe it still is but I just know that besides the few people he sees at work, occasional visits with a brother or 2 - he has no one besides her. That has to get to you.
Part of the problem is that I haven't been sleeping well for the past week. I'll go to bed soon and hope for the best.
Yes, closure... I think we sometimes think we got it but we didn't. Not yet. It takes lots of time.
In your situation I will repeat what I said earlier. Divorce does not bring closure. It really is just a piece of paper. For me, though, it meant the end. The end of a R. The end of communication. This was good because I was still tring to get him to "get it" and he never would.
I hope you find closure too. Do for yourself and your kids. It is always the right thing to do.
After posting and then reading some of the follow up posts, I was refreshing to see that there was no interest in an R, but only the desire to have a R as it relates to the kids, grandkids etc. (in my case X and OM say they want to be “Kumaya-like” so I guess I am fortunate in that regard).
Quote: I took a long, long time. Stood for my M for a long time, finally reached the point when I no longer felt that I could. It is all a very personal timeline - that I learned.
Barb, if you don’t mind me asking, what turned the light bulb on? I feel like I’ve “stood for my marriage” since my X told me about her first affair before I joined the DB board. Affair #2 with a different OM after years trying to “make her happy” tells me that I am unnecessarily wasting emotional energy even pondering leaving the door open for future reconcilitaion if she ever has an epiphany.
Just wondering what made it click for you.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
).I give the kids credit for maintaining a R with a dad who never puts them first, rarely has much time for them. D has been especially good about it all. But yes - he could most definitely see them more, go on vacation, give them more $, but no - they are not the priority.