Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again may be piecing...

Sara,

Thanks for the "Thanks".

I do this because I've been there. I know the depth of the hurt and the intense emotion involved. All I'm doing is sharing my experience.

Also, you can e-mail me direct at steve.dahnke@nngco.com if there is anything you don't want to say on the BB.

Here's to a tearless evening!!

Steve

May need to move off the piecing board...I lost it this am. After I found out the ow is still TM ILU to him and a long discussion during which he told me that he couldn't give me what I needed I lost it. I was up all night and called him in the am and said this is it, if you want a marriage you need to come home. You need to be a full time father to your children etc etc. Anyway I admitted that I was wrong to blow up but it pretty much made him sure that things aren't going to work. I apologized and said I would once again give him his space and try to just keep on with the same. We are going to his parents to watch the super bowel and have tickets to a concert next week and will still go at least fro now. But I have to admit there is a big part of me that just wants to throw in the towel and start my life over as a single mom.

Sara,

No need to jump ship so soon. Remember the same intense emotions you are feeling, he is feeling his own version of the same emotions. Throw in some guilt and shame on his end and he has quite a bit more pressure being applied. As much as you feel like tossing in the towel, imagine what he is feeling. On top of this, earlier this week, he stated he liked the changes, just didn't know if they were for real.

Let things cool down for a few days. Montra #2 NEVER MAKE A DECISION BASED ON EMOTION. There is a high probability your emotions will lead you done the wrong path.

As far as the OW goes, let her out of your mind. Ya, easy to say, I know. BUT, if you have looked at the websites I sent to you, you will find that approx. 85% of affairs end and the best way for an affair to end is to fizzle out. That means time. Time for the infactuation, the sneaking around, the excitment of something forbidden to wear off. Add to that the pressures of children, financially assisting 2 seperate households, etc.. the grass starts to look a little brown with time.

This is why patience is such a huge factor. This is why concentrating on what you can control is paramount. It is the reason, PMA and GAL and acting As If are of such importance. If you can begin to incorporate these into your daily lifestyle, the patience will come much easier, because you effectively remove most of the drama that sets you off.

Also, as an excercise, when you feel yourself getting worked up, excuse yourself from the convo. I know you can feel it coming. Even say, "I need to excuse myself, I'm getting upset" then leave. I know he will understand it and I bet he will also look at it as a positive.

Go back and self evaluate. For the time you have been an the BB, can you identify a pattern between you and your H in regard to how well you are interacting? I know I've seen some highs and lows since I've been responding. How do they happen? I believe you are getting caught in a cycle of behavior. Michelle, outlines this in DR. First A happens, then B happens and the result is C. This is very typical of any relationship. The key is being able to recognize it and then BREAK THE CYCLE. Don't repeat the action if it isn't working. Not only that, but whenever he sees an action he doesn't like, it furthers the justification in his head. When he sees an action he does like, it erases part of those actions. Focus on the positive, you know they are there, let go of the negative, they don't solve anything.

So, don't throw in the towel. That option sucks, trust me. It also effects kids far more than you know.

I'll throw this out also. 218.348.3452 thats my cell number. I will answer. When your feeling like you can't go on... CALL!

Patience, patience, patience

Steve

Oh I need patience. Yesterday was R talk all day...very painful. We almost agreed to D last night but for THE VERY FIRST TIME he started admitting he was worried about what was happening to the kids. So after much anger crying accusations blame etc he left but will be back today and we will continue trying.

Sara,

Believe it or not, some of the discussion you had is a good thing. You both were able to release a lot of pent up emotion. That is good, it needs to come out. The struggle is what to do next. If you focus on the negative things that were said, you doomed. If you can focus on what was said and look for a viable solution, something you both can agree on, you will be much more gratified. Also, what did he say about you? Look at those statements to see where his frustration with the M is. He is actually telling you exactly what you need to do. The trick is to be able to look at it as constructive criticsim. Identify the issue, then work on a solution.

Here is a site to look at http://www.uptoparents.org it deals with divorceing parents. It covers a ton of issues related to kids. Believe me, it will take LESS effort to restore your marriage, than it will to raise your children in 2 different homes.

Remember, if you feel yourself getting upset, excuse yourself from the convo. Take a few minutes to regroup. NONE of this needs to be decided today!

Patience, patience, patience,

Steve

Thanks Steve I have been to that site and it is great. Even recommended it to my dd's therapist. So I am trying to do the act if. I even told H that. I said I am going to just pretend that you are my BF and that we have no history. When you are around it's cuz we are dating and spending time together and since you are my bf I will be trying to be nice and treat you well and be on my best behavior and when you leave I won't be angry. I also did an act if this afternoon, one of my H's friends was here and was making plans for super bowl, any way OW was/is friendly with these guys. I kept picturing her showing up for gathering and looking for my H only to be told that he is with his wife and kids....

Totally agree that you need to get the emotion out as long as it is not destructive - something that is not always easy to do.

H and I spent a fair amount of this weekend talking off and on about our R and it was exhausting to say the least. I felt like my whole weekend was wasted with no time to relax. But, then on the other hand, I had to think about how nice it was to get some of those ideas out verbally so H knows where I am coming from. All these years he has thought I don't need him, and I am a lot to blame in that department (so he told me today) in that I portray myself to be so strong and don't express my emotions, including the ones that make him feel better (i.e. thanks for being there for me and supporting me through .....) - it's never a one way street.

We have a lot to work on but anything that is worth it takes time.

Heywyre,
I love your quote how true and how appropriate to DB.
Sara

Sara,

Tell us how you want to work to apply the quote to your interactions with your H. What will you do differently? What tools do you have to draw from if you hear a negative comment?

You know I have been thinking about that and one thing is I have not let him know how certain things he does can set me off. So I let it fester and then blow. Like last night, I drove the kids home from my in-laws (45 min high way drive) and it hurt me that he didn't call and check on them or ask me to call so I thought I would tell him, using I statements that it would help me if he would ask me to call him when we get home, that it would show me that he is thinking of kids and I wouldn't feel hurt.