May be piecing it back...I have been trying some of the DB suggestions, and last week in C he said he wanted to try and to be home more. He was working this weekend but came by on Sat night, and said he will be here tonight and wants to stay(?). I am very nervous that tonight he will just leave again so am setting myself up for disappointment. I also went back to IC today and think that will help. Went with an agenda of what I wanted to get out of IC this time. Me 44 H 50 dd 12 ds 9 ds6 bomb Jan 2006
Me 45 H 51 married 15 yrs D 13, S's 10,8 bomb 1-06, moved out 3-06 filed for D, 7-06,10-06,11-06,12-06 3-07, asked to try again 6-07 D on hold D process restarted 10-07 now trying to reconcile!
Quote: May be piecing it back.....last week in C he said he wanted to try and to be home more....said he will be here tonight and wants to stay(?)...Went with an agenda of what I wanted to get out of IC this time.
You are definately piecing...it's called Hard Work, with a capital H. Agendas are good. Keep it up.
Deb
Joy and Sorrow...when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed. ~Kahlil Gibran
Me: 46 H: 45 Married: 5.0+ years Bomb: May 17, 2006 0 living children, 2 babies in heaven 1 dog, 2 cats
IC is a great idea. When my H came back I so wanted him to "fix" what "he had broken". I was on an emotional rollercoaster and my H couldnt' handle that. So do take care of yourself, the LBS do bring on the drama once the WAS come back, so my advice is: dont.
Quote: so am setting myself up for disappointment.
I so understand this , for the longest time my H was back, I kept expecting him to say he still wanted to try it w/the ow, to tell me "this isn't really working" , etc etc, all sorts of negative scenarios. It's understsandable after having the rug pull from under your feet and your trust shattered.
Don't loose hope and dont' let fear ruin what youv'e worked so hard to achieve.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
so understand this , for the longest time my H was back, I kept expecting him to say he still wanted to try it w/the ow, to tell me "this isn't really working" , etc etc, all sorts of negative scenarios.
Yup..Yup..Yup.. This is ALL NORMAL. H said that he ended things with ow for good in April 2006, that's when he asked us to join him in Country X. We moved over and started piecing officially in August 2006... Piecing not for long, but still having those horrible negative thoughts...which I have to LEARN HARD to shooo them awaaaaay....
Hi, I see you have a new post, to keep track of your responses it is best to keep one thread at a time. I'm glad you had a nice time w/your H, easy does it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Another baby step, H spent the night here again last night. He seemed happy this am when he went to work. He is going to vegas for a few days with a friend of both of ours who encouraged him to move back so I am not worried about ow being with him on this trip. In a way i am glad he will be away cuz gives me a few days to regroup. We/I do no R talk at all, but we are planning a family trip for spring break, but I am not pushing it. I have realized that until we have a R (he is back in the house and ready to "work") then we can talk R. I am going to try to not read D/R books this weekend and focus on kids and me only. (Cat thanks for the advice re threads) ---------------- Me,44 H 50 D12 S9 S6 bomb Jan 2006
Me 45 H 51 married 15 yrs D 13, S's 10,8 bomb 1-06, moved out 3-06 filed for D, 7-06,10-06,11-06,12-06 3-07, asked to try again 6-07 D on hold D process restarted 10-07 now trying to reconcile!
Be aware that as these small baby steps happen, your confidence will be highthened. The smallest glimers of hope can make us ecstatic. Then a set back and we are in the dumps. Prepare yourself for these setbacks and let the good things carry you through.
It is YOU, the things you are doing, saying, reacting to that have turned him around. Remember that. Keep doing what works and stop the things that aren't. Even during the setbacks remember what worked. Keep at it and stay patient.
You get some good pointers from others on the board so I don't have much to add.
But, let me play a little with symantics. In your first post you say something like "preparing yourself to be dissapointed". Let me give you a thought - how about thinking about it this way "I've eliminated all of my expectations and therefore I cannot be disappointed".
This, while not easy, may have a couple fold affect. First, it takes your frame out of the negative - to me it is wasted energy sitting around waiting to be disappointed. When you eliminate the expectation, it helps to manage through disappointment.
Secondly, reducing expectations is what unconditional love is all about and I've found that my WAS noticed this and it took a huge amount of pressure off of her (oddly enough). Because I started living my life for me, a by product was I became happier and more interesting to be around. This is what took brick by brick out of her "wall" of resistance and began to build a trust between us that had been broken (by me first, then her).
I won't tell you that it is easy - but you seem to be doing the right things - do more of what works, and elminate what doesn't and most of all, be patient. It took almost 8 months for my WAW to fully "recommit" after we agreed that I would move back and we would work on the M. Time and patience are your ally.
Good luck - and keep posting to this thread - there are a lot of great people here who are working through it - some have already chimed in.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
What a long way we/I have come. I never really told my whole story so here goes. In Sept 2005 my H admitted that he was depressed and unhappy in our marriage. He started counseling and everything was directed at me. The therapist basically reinforced his feelings that our marriage was failing and it was all my fault So things just spiraled downward for months. We went to see his therapist and it was a mess. He moved out in and out in Jan 2006, Feb 2006 and for good March 29. I did all the wrong things begged threatened, acted like a child drank too excess...you name it I did it. He turned to OW sometime during all this. In July after one of my rants (I'll take you to the cleaners etc) he filed for D. He stopped the proceedings but did not move back in and I pretty much continued to act the same way. Anyway in Oct he went to a meeting in Vegas and did not call me at all for about a day and when he finally did he basically told me never to call him again that we were getting divorced and that was it. Well he once again stopped the filing and we have done this dance monthly (yes monthly he calls A and then says wait stop I don't want to do this.) I found DB in Feb 2006 but couldn't do it, but in Dec I realized that I had to let my anger go and stop being the b--ch I had become. I returned to the site, started reading, and started applying some of the 180 and LRT. I also got a phone consultation. I realized that I did not want to live my life as an angry bitter person and I wanted to save my marriage. As pathetic as it sounds I still love him and I have 3 kids and want to raise them with their father. So I had one slip but have mostly stayed the course and it is working! My H is in Vegas again, this time with a friend, and the night before he left he stayed here at our home, called me from the airport just to check-in and called me last night when he landed. So I will keep taking care of me and keep a good attitude saying yes it is working.
Me 45 H 51 married 15 yrs D 13, S's 10,8 bomb 1-06, moved out 3-06 filed for D, 7-06,10-06,11-06,12-06 3-07, asked to try again 6-07 D on hold D process restarted 10-07 now trying to reconcile!
Quote: As pathetic as it sounds I still love him and I have 3 kids and want to raise them with their father.
Doesn't sound pathetic to me at all. It takes a lot more courage to keep at this than it does to walk away. Your're on the right path...keep us updated so that others on the board can chime in or be encouraged.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
So things just spiraled downward for months. We went to see his therapist and it was a mess. He moved out in and out in Jan 2006, Feb 2006 and for good March 29. I did all the wrong things begged threatened, acted like a child drank too excess...you name it I did it. He turned to OW sometime during all this. In July after one of my rants (I'll take you to the cleaners etc) he filed for D. He stopped the proceedings but did not move back in and I pretty much continued to act the same way.