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I don't see any reason why the topic of this thread needs to be deleted from the site. A member of this community, one who has offered meaningful and helpful advice to many, AND who has personally seen her journey through to the point that her husband has returned home has much to offer to those of us still seeking resolution to our situations.

Is the possibility of members of this forum connecting with each other an issue here? Certainly it has happened, probably more times than anyone knows about. I think Linda has expressed the reasons and circumstance that would lead to such a thing well. We are all in need, we are all for the most part empty of the contact from a member of the opposite sex that we have been used to for quite some time. We have all been told that we were not good enough, failures in love in some way. And we come on here and receive encouragement, we are uplifted by fellow travelers who see the good in us from the changes they see happening in us. I would say the ground is more than ready for harvest in that way.

No, I think it's a valuable thread and see no reason to put it off. We all just need to be reasonable enough to react to things that we don't agree with in a way that doesn't become an attack.

I recall Braveheart's thread of a week or so ago. I was incensed with what I perceived to be his suggestions that our spouses were just done with us and maybe be all just needed to recognize that and move on. But at no time did I feel like the topic wasn't beneficial to discuss.

I hope the administrators here will recognize the inherent value in this discussion and not let a knee-jerk reaction take away that possible benefit.


Bill

I observe and I am cautious, but please don't tell me I have to stop flirting with my pool Boyz

And, as Numero Uno Pool Boy, I demand that you not ask Lis to stop flirting with me (although it DOES make me need more heart medication...ka-THUMP, ka-THUMP!).

:-)
David

imLIN,

It's unfortunate that few understood your post.

I believe I did, and I thank you for taking the risk you took in writing it.

There are people from all walks of life here and with various belief systems.

Some seem to have no 'moral thether' whatsoever.

Some have actually stalked other members of this board and done inappropriate things, to say the least.

So, we don't often deal with indivduals of spotless purity here.

To be fair, there are also people here who have genuinely sought to improve themselves, their lives and their marriages. I have formed a few private relationships but I have been very careful and these are in no way romantic. One must thoroughly examine one's own motives with rigorous honesty. Constantly.

The vociferous nature of some of the responses indicates you have touched a few nerves. Bravo!

One must recognize, whether your belief is in God or Murphy's Law, that the noblest of endeavors will meet the severest resistance. In other words, your beliefs will be tested.

In a sense, DBing is like AA: as long as you work the program you have a chance. If you stop working the program, you have no chance.

The program says you can't work on saving your marriage and pursue another romantic relationship at the same time.

Jesus said you can't serve two masters.

I can reveal many other sources of this same truth.

imLIN has made a mistake, recognizes this mistake and wants to share her experience with others. Those with an ear will hear. "A fool learns from his own mistake; a wise man learns from the mistakes of others."

I heard no pontificating and no judgements, only experience and advice predicated upon that experience.

The attacks upon her are unjustied and tell me that the attackers have some guilt issues to work through.

The idea to delete the thread smacks of censorship.

I want access to ANY idea that will help me save my marriage. I didn't come here just to have my own damaged feelings validated. I don't want to be right. I want to know the truth.

Thanks imLIN for speaking some of it.

David

To Scooter....

I am sorry you too such great offense to my posting...it has been something on my mind for sometime and after my own personal experience I wanted to discuss it here...and just because of the open person I am I will let you know (perhaps this was your intent, I don't know) that the attack did hurt my feelings....and it was directed right at me....I may say things that come out wrong but I would never attack anyone purposely as you did....but again...I am sorry that you felt so insulted and justified that you came at me over this...

To Lissett and David....I am not suggesting that you stop your fun flirting....I know how it makes one feel good...

My thoughts were more on when it gets taken off of this board...out of the "public eye" so to speak that things can go farther then possibly one or both ever intended...I have seen IRL persons give up the fight part way through because they fell for someone else....or thought they did....to me this is sad and a reason to use extreme caution with getting too personal and too close....especially when we are reaching out to a drowning person....I did Jr. Lifeguard work and on a few occasions at the beach I did perform rescues on my own (because no one was around)....the most dangerous thing is to physically and personally reach out to a drowning person....they will take you down in a second trying to save themselves....not that they WANT to...it is survival...put two drowning persons together and you can see where the problem comes in....

Taking this to the next step....if one person is in a life boat....and they see another drowning....it is much safer for them to go over and extend a hand...or throw them a rope....they can then help to save each other....yet continue on their own journey....

I hope this makes a bit more sense about what I was talking about...I truly care about everyone here....my heart breaks when I see a new name appear.....I have cried real tears reading posts because I know the pain, fear, anxiety....I know the feeling....and it hurts....that is why I post....I feel I am in a life boat right now....I feel that I can throw a rope or reach out to others and help them.....

I think FaithfulH got what I was getting at...that we have to be careful to finish our OWN journey....because while we do all come here because of the journey that our mates decided to start down....we soon realize (or should) that it comes down to us...

Just this week I had a heart to heart with my H concerning my own personal situation....it raised a lot of discussion with my H even to the point that we both went to see our church elder for advice and comfort....I felt badly that I had come so close to straying(for me personally, dating before the actual Divorce is not right...I understand that for others separation is enough and I am not judging anyone but my self)....my H totally understood and even added that had I actually committed adultery....he would have understood.....he knew how lonely I was....he was however, relieved that for my own spiritual well being that I didn't....for me I am greatful because I do really love my H and would feel deep guilt for giving up too soon....even if we would have reconciled after the fact...I would have felt I bailed on my journey....

Again, Scooter I am sorry....and everyone else thank you for your understanding....

BTW....I was not referring to anyone specifically in my post....and certainly not to the man that I personally met...I don't think he comes here or at least hasn't in well over a year....he has recently met someone he is interested in....it has been 5-6 years for him so I am very happy for him and he knows this....We have kept in touch but not in a romantic way... but in a friendship way....he was happy for my reconciling with my H....I was sad his M ended in D....but from all he told me about his situation and his W (now X)I felt that he would complete his journey alone....and I am glad to say that he is taking a very different approach to this possible new relationship then he would have previously... which just confirms to me even more that he and I were doing something that neither of us was really prepared for...

Linda,

I thank you for being caring enough and courageous enough to post your thoughts on this topic of DBers getting together before our work is done. I have heard that professional therapists often find themselves in a position where their clients become attracted to them. In some ways, our situation is far more dangerous in that most of us (unless we happen to be a medical professional) are not trained to understand and avoid an unhealthy attraction. I think your post was bold...and I applaud the fact that you have caused us to challenge our thinking on this topic. We will ALL be better for it!

Wow, well if you ask me the post here is right on target. In my time here I have seen people post about rebound relationships made here that resulted in complete emotional devastation yet again. Often people who were in the worst shape to begin with. They didn't heal from the first problem, and then they have to relive it with a new one.

The issue is really more generic. I went to a Divorce Care program a few years ago. One of the men in our group was there because his wife left him, and he found relief in a relationship soon after she left. He was not yet divorced, never mind in a good emotional state. When that relationship ended he found himself right back where he started, not able to cope with any of it. Then he realized what he needed to do. Become whole within himself. And he did, took another two years to focus on himself, his children, and later met a woman that he eventually married. He did want a partner, we all want that. But not in the circumstances of emotional rescue. That's a bad scene and has no chance of success.

I see people here talking about dating as a way of getting through the pain. I even posted a thread like this once about it. Until you have decided, really decided, the marriage is over, and have come to grips with the outcome and are on solid ground emotionally, and the divorce is done or is eminent, and it has been at least two years since the bomb (assuming you were in a long term relationship) forget about dating.

I think the number 1 year for every 7 in the relationship works fairly well. I felt I was ready after 3 1/2 half years. At that time I was not yet divorced (in case you don't know, the seriously troubled MLCers can really drag it on and I was standing for my marriage and also just knew I could not do it) but my now x-husband already had a 6 month old child with the other woman. A man had been pursuing me for two years, and I finally was able to accept that interest.

It did not work out the way I thought it might, but I am fine with it. I am whole. I reclaimed my identity and personality before getting involved again. It matters. A lot. Don't leave home without it. Cheers, a great post, thank you L. Wonder

Again I thank you for your support and understanding of this post...obviously most of you see where my heart and my head is at...this is a very scary time and I think we all want what is "familiar"....when you connect with someone on an emotional level that "familiar" feeling starts to take hold...

And it is painful if the journey is not done...it can result in great pain....I did experience that with my "friend"....we have corrected things and remain friends but still the pain of the whole mess is there....thus it is on my mind...and when I see somethings in postings little red flags go up....

I don't want to see anyone anymore hurt then they already have been...that was/is my motive for this post...

PHEW...............

Quote:

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To Lissett and David....I am not suggesting that you stop your fun flirting....I know how it makes one feel good...

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(sigh).

imLIN, I totally get your post, How can we not be smitten with these guys.

It bothers me when others think they have everything figured out for both themselves and other people. There is not a person on this sight that has the expertise (not sure it even exists) to tell another person that X amount of time and Y amount of "healing" needs to take place before you are capable of moving into a relationship with another. Personal experiences are, by their nature, personal. My only problem with any of this discussion is the assumption being made about what is going on and what is not going on.

How dare anyone tell me that should I meet another right now that the relationship is doomed because it's only been four months since my wife left my life for good? And I'm not saying that I want or am looking for a relationship right now. But it seems to me that the decision whether to or not is a personal decision.

Yes, people on here have hurts and people on here have be denied the love that was a daily part of their lives at one point. Does that make us more susceptible to moving into romance? Perhaps. Is there any chance that perhaps two people would be brought together by having shared similar circumstances and find that there was a connection between them? Again, I would say perhaps.

In the end the people who inhabit this board are adults. For the most part, responsible, caring adults who have come here because they had a great desire to try and salvage the life long love that they had shared with another person who has now abandoned them in every conceivable way a person can be abandoned. To suggest that should two of these people meet and develop a relationship that one or both of them are in some way relationship predators is way out of line in my opinion.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Life moves on and people move on. Our hearts are not static. When another person causes our hearts to move, and particularly if the experience is mutual, I'm not sure what the expectations are by some on this board.

Until about two or three weeks ago I would have told you that I would never love again, that there would never be another person that I would feel that way for in my life. Where was the rush of posters at that time telling me how silly that notion was? There was none. Where were all the learned people on this site saying, now Bill, you're just being silly, you're only 45, of course you'll find love again. Again, there were none. I was perfectly willing to believe that, should my wife never return (and God knows that she never will if you saw how she reacts around me), I would spend the rest of my life alone. And I'll be honest and say that the idea did not appeal to me very much. In fact it made me quite sad.

We're all looking for hope of various kinds. Would I like to think that one day my wife will wake up from this bizarre life that's she now living and come back seeking to rebuild what we once had? OF COURSE!!! Every fiber of my being would want that. But I can see that this is NEVER happening. EVER. In fact, she'll be married to another long before she ever moves back in my direction.

So maybe I'm deciding that I'm not happy with the prospects of 40 more years alone. Is that so bad?


Blessings,

Bill