Finally had a chance to get back online. One thing you need to remember is you are doing your best and that's all you can do. Don't beat yourself up over it. This is a crazy time for your family, but just focus on the here and now, the fact you are a person who has learned an enormous lesson and you know your family is the number one priority in your life.
Now as far as details about the affair.... many betrayed spouses have the VERY strong drive to know every single fact. I understand what you're husband is doing because I've been there and still have my radar out for any piece of info I can learn (sex details, what she wore, what they did, etc...). Although I've read it's important to talk about the affair, I think creating visual images (especially when the wounds are so raw) may not be the best thing at this time. And you'd be surprised how any little word can do that. The other day my husband merely mentioned that what they did was "dirty" and just that word created some ugly scenes in my head. After just hearing that one word I felt kind of ticked and wanted nothing to do with him the rest of the day.
I think when he does want details one thing you might consider doing is sharing what was negative (even if it's exaggerating). Think about what was negative about the whole experience. If it was uncomfortable or akward in any way. Whatever you can think of that was bad, bring that up. Even if the affair was the greatest sex in your life, think of what was bad in it. When people go into affairs they often "rewrite" the history of their marriages and focus on what was negative in them. This is what you need to do with the affair.
I sometimes will think that for my husband OW was the greatest experience in his life and that he lost his soulmate and now has to "settle" with me. Hearing the negative and ugly (even if it's just him "rewriting" it so I KNOW he sees it as negative and isn't missing OW (even if he was just convincing himself of this) would make me feel better.
But keep in mind, affairs take an average of 2 years to "work through." For some people it's quicker and for others longer. Hey, my husband's first affair was "only" a 3-month EA and it took me probably 5 years to get over!!!! I was really angry and mean for a long time.
By the way, a very good book you might want to take a look at and share with your husband is the following:
I have another option to present H with if you keeps pursuring you with questions. I was reading this last night in Michele's DB book, page 152.
Tell your H that you can set aside a half hour each week to talk about the A and any questions he might have. (And like Runningoutoftime said talk about the negatives in the A.) Tell him that you will LISTEN and do your best to answer if in turn, HE WILL LET you tell him how much you love him and the kids and how sorry you are again.
That way you're doing all this in a constructive and encouraging manner.
Thinking of you...and sending you positive thoughts.
glad to be back online. just got my chance since H's been using the pc for a couple of days now... installing.....downloading got his attention for a while.
so now things are calm, just don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. since it's just the way our M was before the A. if i was taken for granted in the M, it's much worse. it's like i totally don't exist anymore. we don't talk, i'm in the bedroom and he's outside, if i'm awake he's sleeping.
is that he's new way of coping now? i feel like i'm working on the M alone and singlehandedly. i don't know....i'm confused. i said something negative about the A during our talk, he replied by saying "is that what you're told to do". it's just so difficult, and i'm back to square one. BUT I'M HANGIN' ON .
btw, thanks for your insights and feedback.
the movie -- The Secret is not available yet in this country...but i'll keep looking. i'll also try to look for the books you recommended. i'm journalling too.
it's my mother-in-law's b-day this friday (TOMRROW). everybody's invited to the party. don't know if could go (depends on my hospital duty), even if i could go, i'm just too ashamed, to face his family especially those who already knew about the A. I DO NOT WISH TO GO .
Well... this will take time and you both may need some distance while he's holding onto his anger. Just keep pointing out the negatives regardless of what he says and repeat your support and friendship. Do nice things without expecting anything from him. Yes, you may be the one doing all the work, but that's not a bad thing regardless of where the marriage goes. I've learned a lot in focusing on loving unconditionally. Work towards that.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Just remember... you don't lose anything by trying, or even working on your marriage single-handedly. I did that for many years (and I didn't even have an affair!!!). You'll learn a lot about relationships and yourself. Difficult times, loneliness and pain only make us stronger.
The thing to hope for is that he wakes up at some point and realizes you've changed and are want to have a healthy family (and that's the goal!!! with or without him). Another thing... keep in mind he has a lot of anger to work through and that can take a lot of time. Also, many people don't have the insight to work through it easily (and sadly there are some people that don't make it through this... that's just the way it is. Not everyone has the strenght or insight... so focus on you and your children, try to be a friend to him regardless of what he does with your friendship, etc..... that's really the best you can do).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
it's been a while. i thought the site was still upgrading that's why i haven't posted.
well, to update, things are quite calm now a days. after the bithday celebration of my mother in law, H has been very quiet. he lash out out sometimes but not as harsh as before. i dunno.... he's busy nowadays going to the province and helping his parents, and stays there for 1 - 2 days. we make love everytime he comes home. after i was able to borrow money from my friend, H gave me the remaining amount i need to pay for my school fees so i can take my midterm exams. i did not ask him for it, and was ashamed to ask from him. i cried again because, despite what i did, he's still there to help. i really love him and was even sorrier and regretful for what i did to him. at this point, im confused of H's feelings and actions. i still think that we could end up separating anytime. am i just overly pessemistic...or what? pls can anyone enlighten me on this.
anyways, i appreciate what he did and thank God for everything now. this is just about it for now. hoping to read from you all soon. God Bless....i miss u guys
You need to let him breath don't force him to do anything, you must remember he did the best he could, & as hurt as he is, he still love you! You are his source of love & pain at the same time, see the conflict!
The relationship is done you must create something new because the old one is broke its over, & cannot be fixed, it must be replaced. You are still with your husband, but what you had before is gone. Take this opportunity to make it want you want it to be. Find out why you did what you did, what are you lacking/missing? Do the opposite of everything you did before! (180's) Don't pressure him (give him his space, he needs to process the events in his mind @ his own speed); if he comes around he does, if he doesn't move on (GET A LIFE!) Remember how you were during your affair, (no consideration about him or his feelings) now its his turn Own up to all your actions (don't tell him it's because of him, people always want to blame other for their own actions, you could have stopped at anytime!) Become transparent, don't tell him everything your doing, but don't hide anything (if you are no longer doing anything wrong you have nothing to worry about) When he wants to express his feelings, listen and don't be judgmental (even though he might be to you) Don't take all the things he say to heart, he's really hurt right now (what pain is worse, the things he saying or what you did? The name calling he's doing the both of you will forget about some day, what you did neither of you will!)
That's the best I got for ya!, and this whole thing is going to take time a whole lot of it!
WAW 32 ME 38 D11, S9 & D2 Together 10/96 Married 4/2000 Bomb 4/2006 PA1 9/2006 PA2 11/2006 I now know I want out, With my Kids!!!
i said something negative about the A during our talk, he replied by saying "is that what you're told to do". it's just so difficult, and i'm back to square one. BUT I'M HANGIN' ON . 
