i decided to email today since i could not reply to you on the boards. dont know why, it just says: read only previledge.
hey i could post already. maybe my connection was just down.
my H sent messages (sms) to me last night, while i was on duty.
it goes:
"Words cant express how deeply i'm HURT by what youve done to me. with all d LIES, DECEIT and BETRAYAL, after all the SACRIFICE ive dOne for YOU and d KIDS and thats what you gave me in return. i dont even knOw what to think of you anymore. im so SCARED of YOU. i can.t imagine youre capable of dOing those SHAMEFUL & DISGUSTING things. i lost all my DREAMS for US and the KIDS. im so confused & scared & i dOnt knOw what to do. im so tired of this LIFE.....
i cried as i read his message. if only i could turn back the time. i would not have done the things that would cause him pain even if im hurting during the M. i regret not doing anything to prevent the A from happening.
at home that night, he woke me from sleep to "talk" again. as i expected, hurtful words are uttered. called me names. i told him i could accept everything he says if it eases the pain even if only a bit. H told me i stabbed him very deeply in his heart. i cried as i'm crying now just recalling and typing everything in here.
i want to give up the M already, maybe that would make him happy and give him back his life before he met me. it hurts me so much that i caused him pain.
God bless you, for the time you spared for me on the board. im very thankful that somebody is there to read/listen. you have a kind heart, it shows in your advises.
Hope you won't get tired on me. _______________________________________
this morning i'm quite calm, so i thought of making my first journal.
this morning i thank God for another day He's given me - it gave me the chance to hug and kiss my 2Ds and tell them that i love them very much. it also gave me the chance to hug and kiss my H and whisper to him i love you (he doesn't believe me though).
i thanked for giving me wonderful Ds, today i gathered my strenght from them. just seeing them happy gave me a positive outlook for the day. they're in school now.
i'm sorry that they're able to hear our exchange of "outburts" last night. i know D10 could sense our conflict, that everytime thier father and i had the "talk" she would comment - like " if you guys wanna talk just lower your voice, especially daddee". she heard us while she was in the bathroom. then she read a poem to us by C.A. Lufburrow that goes this way:
I shouted aloud and louder while out on a plain one day, The sound grew faint and fainter Until it had died away. My words had gone forever, They left no trace or track, But the hills nearby caught up the cry And sent an echo back.
I spoke a word in anger To one who was my friend, Like a knife it cut him deeply, A wound that was hard to mend. That word, so thoughtlessly uttered, I would we could both forget, But its echo lives and memory gives The recollection yet.
How many hearts are broken, How many friends are lost By some unkind words spoken Before we count the cost! But a word or deed of kindness will repay a hundredfold, For it echoes again in the hearts of men And carries a joy untold.
i cried while she read for i understood what she means. then i remembered what she wrote in her diary last christmas - "mom and dad had the talk something that could lead to divorce. i'm sad because i won't be able to see my relatives anymore, or if i could still go to school".
i told my H about what the children might be feeling with all that's happening in hope that we could do something about it. still the resistance is there. it all comes back to me doing the A.
thinking about it, yeah that's right. i'm not in the position to say that we both should do this or that for the children, but at least i get to say what's on my mind, that would at least help us both think clearly.
as the argument was heating up, i asked my H if we could stop already, and spend the rest of the night with the children.(D10 palying warcraft on line, D13 preparing to got to sleep). thank God, we did stop. we sat beside D10 and H coached her while she played. she was so happy. i then saw to it that D13 took her bath before going to bed.
later that night, i sat in the terrace, contemplated again, cried again, and prayed.
I apologize, I haven't really checked my email in a day or two. I'll check in on your thread everyday though, I have been...
So sorry about the TM from H. He's really hurting and it sucks. But be strong and just remember that he's very, very angry. After I found out about my H's A, I was delibrately cruel to him at times. I felt that he must have had no feelings for me, no heart, no conscious to do what he did, so I would provoke him and say the meanest things to him just so that he could feel the pain I was feeling. Also, to prick him, stab him very very hard with my words because I couldn't any other way. Does this make sense?
THIS IS EXACTLY where your H is right now. But patience and remorse and space. The storm will avert. It will take time though. My own healing took about a year and a half...but that was for COMPLETE healing to the point where I could then want to GIVE to him again and TRULY forgive him.
So this will be a long ride, but I promise that after a few weeks, H WILL SETTLE down. He will retreat into his cave for a while. He will do things to lash out and pretend he doesn't care. He will exhaust himself as he says he is doing already thinking and thinking about your A and getting angry and angry and working himself up into a lather.
But, it WILL pass. Space is important too. Maybe you can plan more activities with your kids, but you will have to keep your H informed of where you are, who you're with everytime.
If it comes up, tell them that you want to try regaining his trust and ask him what it would take. What ACTIONS and WORDS it would take from you for him to feel SAFE again. And be consistent in what you do.
Have you written a letter of apology yet? You might want to try this as saying sorry verbally is one thing, but to write it out and for him to see it on ink and paper is another.
Also sign off with something like, "I never knew what love was until I was loved by you!"
I love this sentence, and in your case it's genuine and heart-felt as you really feel that H loved you best.
I understand that you feel ragged and tired and worn out right now. But don't give up. Brace yourself for the torrent of words and try not to retaliate. Visualize a BIG STOP SIGN in your head when you want to deny, defend, argue, etc. Just let him be. Let him rain down the words on you. At the moment he does that, find that LOVE in your heart (it's there, believe me!!) and just look at him with love in your eyes. But be silent...or just validate and say, "I understand, I'm sorry..."
I'm sorry you're in pain right now...I'm here. And I'll try to post on your thread as often as I can. I'm glad to help.
You're a brave woman for enduring all your childhood struggles. You didn't deserve to be so brutalized by those closest to you. But NOW, you're an adult and THIS is your opportunity to heal. Find yourself, your inner strenght and if you believe in God...gain love and strenght from that.
yesterday i made the letter to H. told him about the M, about my activities with friends, about the A. gave it to him after i left with my D10 for school. just dunno if he had read it.
he didn't lash out on me yesterday, thank goodness, but he was quiet. cold treatment?
anyways, i did my journaling too. i think its a good way to express my thoughts and feelings, i cried while writing sometimes.
we recieved the grades of D10 also yesterday. she was in the top 10 of her class and we are happy about it and so proud of her. i also get to watch her practice with her classmates a cheerdance. i could see that she's very happy with her friends, she watch a movie with them afterwards. D13 was at home watching her favorite drama series.
i thank the LORD for giving them the life so different from mine. also realized that if DBing won't work on my M, i would be missing important events in their lives, thier smiles, and i won't be there when they are sad. i hate myself now more than ever.
i cast all my anxiety to GOD, i hope H would find it in his heart to forgive me.
this is all for now, RAinbow. God Bless you now and always. bye-bye
It's good to hear about your D's. Don't beat yourself up over this. And don't hate yourself, just acknowledge you made a big mistake, and begin to forgive yourself. I wish my W showed as much remorse as you, but unfortunately her "friend" is still in the picture, so I have to struggle with that. Rainbow has some solid advice, read over it.
I am finding out that any little or big argument I have with my W tends to get me upset enough to make me think about the A, and it boils my blood. I don't lash out at her about it, since it usually blows up in my face and I am back to square one in a heartbeat, and trying to get back on track in a day or two makes it really tough.
I also realize that it will take about a year for me to be at ease about the whole thing, but the pain will be gone. It will take a long time for your H. Just be patient, continue to SHOW him that you love him. THAT is so important. I still need my W to SHOW me she loves me after she flips her lid at times, just so I can gain the confidence I had before her blow up. But it also helps to build new trust and confidence in me. Keep reassuring, and do it in different ways.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Quote: [ also realize that it will take about a year for me to be at ease about the whole thing, but the pain will be gone. It will take a long time for your H. Just be patient, continue to SHOW him that you love him. THAT is so important. I still need my W to SHOW me she loves me after she flips her lid at times, just so I can gain the confidence I had before her blow up. But it also helps to build new trust and confidence in me. Keep reassuring, and do it in different ways. /quote] -----------------------------------------------------------
dunno how to keep reassuring H that i love him and not the OM. but i hug and kiss him while he sleeps and when he wakes up. i wrote to him to asking him if he could let me hug and kiss him even though he doesn't want to. i try to prepare his food even when he wants the hskeeper to do it. but isn't it pushing myself to him???
H lashed out on me again this morning. kept asking about every little detail of what happend during the affair. about how the "sex" went on, things i did to the OM. told him as honestly as i can. he got angry cause i told him there some details that i forgot or can't remember. for one: i can't desribe how i the kissing went on or on what particular part of the body......does anybody keep records of that????....i think it's crazy....what do u think???? he told me to do what i did with the OM, and i did. dunno if it's a good thing or would help in DBing.
anyway, i give him all the space he needs. don't talk to him if he doesn't want to. i just continue with what i can do with my studies. i still wanna graduate u know and spend the rest of the time with the Ds.
i went over your recent post. i'm happy for you. it's nice that your W wants you to come and get her. it shows that you are important to her and wants to share that "something" with you. it's nice that you exercised again. that's showing you taking care of yourself at the same time. my H now does the same. just dunno when i could get the time and motivation to jog again. there's just so many things in my mind. i'm a worrier, i worry a lot and think of the posibilities that my DBing won't work, my kids, my schooling just about anything now.
cherish your moments with your kids. i'm doing that too now. i prepared their snacks just a moment ago and watch tv with them. that's just about what i can do for now being "broke". i hope they won't forget this day.
I still have some "issues" to work out that will take a long time. It hasn't been easy, and there are times I still feel like giving up. It's weird, but I don't fully trust my W 100% like I did before the A. I'm not sure I ever will. Just realize that about your H.
We still have our "fights", and they get me down and I start to panic again. Tonight W surprised me by coming home on her lunch break and ate here. It's a nice gesture, and I'm glad she's letting me know in her own way that I'm more important than her "friends". I did not expect her to show up as I made it clear that I was upset about her recent verbal attack on me over the phone earlier. I'm still upset about it, and to me it is a big deal as I see it as verbal abuse, something I have tolerated from her over the years. Well, all I can say is that I felt better about this gesture, and I am trying hard to trust her again. I think she wants me to see that I can earn her trust by seeing that I matter to her, but I am more receptive to her now than I was in the past few months.
I still have my "moments" when I get depressed about the whole thing, but that's when I need to start looking at the positives. Just do the same, try to build more positives than negatives, but without coming on as pushing yourself or clinging on to him. You kind of know when you are being "pushy", just do less of that.
Well, all I wanted to do with my W was hold her, and I wanted to kiss her (a lot) but she was eating, plus I was sleepy. It felt weird since she has been gone a week (on that trip) and now it's like she's getting back on track. A lot has happened since (with her), and I can't help but wonder. But see, that's where I make mistakes and start assuming. It's hard to fight it, and I know my W is trying. It's all about earning your H's trust back. You have to earn it, it will take time.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
DBing works, just keep a positive attitude. Go rent the movie, "The Secret". It's all about attracting positive things in your life.
If possible DO NOT go into details regarding intimacy with OM. H is doing that to punish himself. He wants to know all the little details so that he can replay it in his head and torture him. He may have even asked you if you "liked it" "enjoyed it" "was OM better" etc. Just say to him without getting too emotional, picture the stop sign, "I'm sorry for what I did, but I don't see how this conversation is going to help you heal or make you feel better? I'm sorry for what I did. I love you and never meant to hurt you. Please forgive me. I'm going to go into another room now because things are getting escalated with us. So please excuse me. I don't want you to be hurt anymore." And then maybe just gently leave the room. But do this in a loving manner.
R, please know that you're a good person and yes, you did a hurtful thing, but now you're remorseful and sorry. Don't go down the path of hating yourself. I know how easy it is for us to do that. But self-loathing is not a good thing. Just keep saying to yourself that 'you're a loving person, a good person and that you WILL save your marriage'.
While I cannot gaurantee anything, I can say that your M is a STRONG one. And your H is very angry right now, but in time, he will heal. It's remarkable what time will do.
So stay strong. You're an amazing woman. You've overcome a lot of struggles in life. Just pray to God and while doing that, visualize a happy outcome for your marriage. Visualize a time when H will hold your hand and tell you that he loves you. This will have a HUGE IMPACT on your state of mind. Positive thinking and positive visualization.
Keep doing all the nice things you're doing for H and the kids. That is going to earn you MAJOR brownie points. H may not say much at first, but he's noticing...
Don't blame yourself so much, ok? Try to FORGIVE YOURSELF! It is a hard thing to do and you may find that even after H forgives you, you will have a hard time forgiving yourself.
You are a good person. Your beautiful heart just shines through and I can see the immense love you have for your H and children.
One day at a time. Meditate on the positive things you want to see happen. Say the positive affirmations everyday. Come here on the boards and post and cry and get it off your chest. Continue to SHOW your love for H. Unconditional love is the hardest thing to turn down, runaway from in the world. So keep doing what you're doing.
PS: Remember, you're a good person R! You WILL GET THROUGH THIS with your M intact. YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE FAITH. It's like that phrase in the Bible that says you can move mountains with faith!
i logged in to the board now almost everyday. i feel relieved when i do so, with all of you being there giving feedback and advises.
H told me he didn't read my letter . well nothin i can do, if that's his decision. i just hope that he would read it one day.
yeah, i really i think i should not be elaborating on the details of A and the OM. i know it would hurt my H, but he keeps pushing and saying nasty things.
your idea is good , i'll try to do it next time he lash out on me. that would be this afternoon or this evening.....it already become a routine.
i'll also try to get hold of the movie The Secret. i'll try to see if its available here in the philippns.
thanks again....and may you be Blessed always.
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Yeah though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil for THOU art with me. THY rod and THY staff, they comfort me......
