Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Long Distance Piecing

Yes, I often think that the 2,000 mile distance between H and I actually saved our marriage. It really gave H the chance to be without S4 and I. I hear so many people struggle with being friends with their WAS on a day to day basis and wondering if they're just giving them their cake and letting them eat it too. But I don't have to deal with that. I also don't have to worry about the mood of the moment blowing things for me, because when I swing low emotionally, H isn't around for me to fire at. All my interactions with him are very intentional.

I'm interested to find out Deb's history and learn about her career issues, since that's what's on the top of my plate right now.

I also agree that being so far apart physically is really a blessing in disguise. It gives you time to work @ your own pace with less pressure.

My history - My husband took off on a sailboat adventure in May 06, without my knowledge. Said he is "sailing around the world", but I'm pretty sure he is sailing up and down the east coast and is now in the Carribean.

The worst thing he did was not pay a lot of his bills that are in his name only. I found out he's got a lot more money than I previously thought, when the tax statements came in this week. So, it's not that he can't pay his bills, it's just that he choses not to - go figure.

So, I continue to pay for the house and cabin and his truck in his absence (he gave me some money to do this). However, each month I see the money being depleted, which is alarming.

So when my employer offered a significant raise if I move to St. Louis, of course I jumped @ the chance (a promotion was also involved). So here I am in an apt. I now have enough money coming in to cover the cost of the house, but not the cabin. I have a renter there, but it doesn't cover the cost of the mortgages and repairs. The cabin and the house are on the market.

Yes, it's been and continues to be a nightmare. But, I know he is really sick. Just for him to admit to be bipolar and have drinking problem is a major step in the right direction.

The money right now is a big deal. I thought he was broke. But, he's not. I have already told him I am trying to pull this all together and get out from under these outragous mortgage payments.

I can breath a little easier now that I have more income. But, why should I use all my paycheck to pay the bills when he's floating on a boat for fun?? I haven't asked for more money yet, but I think the time is about here. The cabin would have foreclosed by now if it were up to him.

So, that's my history in a nutshell.

Crazy, huh??

Deb

Wow. I guess your H didn't give you mixed signals about his MLC. With a house, a cabin, a boat, vehicles, and a new apartment, I can see how money would come up. I have been lucky with my H in regards to money. It seems to be the one thing we can talk about directly without beating around the bush.

But you do have an advantage if your H is admitting some of his issues. My H is an alcoholic too, although I wouldn't say it to his face, at least not at this point. He manages to function at work and in our R (at the moment), but he definately could not give up alcohol. He isn't bipolar, I'd say he's pretty uni-polar, just straight depression. I often wonder what he would be like if he didn't drink.

How do you communicate with your H? Email, phone? How do you like St. Louis so far? I have never been there, but my H is from Kansas City and he has said he'd like to get stationed in St. Louis (he's in the military).

Yes, we use email mostly. He did call on Christmas Day and we talked for 3 hours on New Years Day. He says he will call again, but his phone isn't working.

I love St. Louis. It's much, much nicer than I had expected. We don't have this kind of architecture in Denver! Also, it's a treat living in a place that is not on the market. And I can afford to heat the apt. That's different from the big, cold house in Denver!!

Deb

I'm glad to hear good things about St. Louis. I've heard bad things before. But I wouldn't mind living so close to a big river and I'm partial to a happening city.

So now he wants me to visit him in the Bahamas in April. He will have been gone for 11 months in April.

For those of you that have been separated for about a year - what's it like to meet again?? We'll both be different, I know that. I just cannot imagine the scene - I am such a tolerable person (that's what he likes about me). But, I just can't sweep all the issues under the rug. When is the right time to bring up issues???

I want to have a nice vacation - I really need and greatly deserve one. Just feels like it will be so strange. He just dropped off the face of the earth and now he just wants back in my life (I think). He tried to find the nicest island for me.

He has not said anything about coming back to the states, although he has hinted about it several times.

Any advice??

Deb

Can I be the voice of reason and opposition? You have every right to feel the way you do. I'm actually concerned that you aren't cautious enough.

So here's this H or yours, who has reached out to you so much....two calls and some e-mails that ask you to come see him? Wow, that's really trying. (NOT) He has no job and what else doesn't he have? Meanwhile, you are indeed piecing; piecing your own life together from the ashes of the old one. You've worked on yourself and tried to be comfortable in your own skin. What does he have to offer you? Except maybe more of the same the next time he feels depressed. Does he want you or just a convenient life preserver when he's drowning? I'd be hesitant also.

He day trades and makes enough to comfortably live on. He offers me lots of challenges. For a bipolar, a life preserver is important. I can be that. His sister killed herself and she was bipolar, too.

Deb

Good luck with that.

Just_Me - Thank you, I will need lots of that, along with a strong will. Most people would just give up @ this point. My counsler said I was "extraordinarily forgiving and loyal". She had actually given up on the marriage many months ago. But, now she is taking great interest in my situation.

Of course, I will have to learn a lot about the disease. But, finally, it is all making sense now....the changing moods, the cycles.

Thanks for your tongue in cheek support.

Deb